


Something New

by alicat542



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-07
Updated: 2013-06-01
Packaged: 2017-12-04 14:14:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 53,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/711637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alicat542/pseuds/alicat542
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ali and Ashlyn meet in college playing for a club team together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Damnit” Ashlyn muttered to herself as she ripped the skin off of her fingernail. She quickly put her finger in her mouth before drops of blood could start forming where she just picked at the skin. She looked ahead at her computer screen. A blank email in front of her eyes. Frustrated she closed the computer and walked across her room to her bed. Ashlyn laid on her back, took her finger out of her mouth and continued to pick at the skin surrounding her nail. Tomorrow was her last free day before everything became hectic in her life all over again. The rush of classes, the flow of students everywhere, and the piles of homework. She was typically busy. All the time, constantly having one thing on her plate on top of another. Typically even though she was always this busy, she was bored. Constantly waiting for something exciting or even something horrible to happen to her, just something that would catch her attention. She had made a drastic decision by recently transferring schools and moving across the country, but she was afraid she would still be bored. She put her finger back in her mouth and chewed on her ring fingernail while she stared up at her ceiling. Something about the blank, drab, gray concrete soothed her. Her mind started racing as she looked at the lines in the ceiling. She thought about her parents, she thought about being in a new place, and the more she thought the more anxious she was, and the more anxious she was the more she chewed on her fingernail. She started tasting blood and decided to open up her computer again. Pulling her nail out of her mouth she constructed a short email to her parents:

Hey Mom and Dad,

I’m finally all moved in! The campus is just as beautiful and you said it would be, I can’t wait to see how it looks later in the fall, there are so many trees everywhere! It’s a nice place to clear my head. I think I’m going to like it here. I haven’t met any of my suite-mates yet, I think they move in tomorrow. I heard that they are all juniors too, last time I checked. I am all registered for classes and tomorrow I’m going to walk around and look for a job I think! I’ll keep you updated. 

I love you and miss you very much!

Ashlyn

She sighed now that she had that weight lifted off of her shoulders, she knew her parents would be worried if she didn’t contact them soon, they were always harping on her, weather out of love or nagging. Either way it drove her crazy and made her even more anxious. 

Her parents were skeptical about her transferring schools right before her junior year, but something about her old college just did not make her feel comfortable. She always felt like the odd one out, and always felt like she should be doing something else, or something more with her life, but she didn’t know what it was. On a whim she decided to put in a few transfer applications to schools that she wanted to apply to when she was first looking for colleges. She lived at home with her parents before, and just went to the community college down the street. But she knew this time she needed to get away and be her own person, and stop being bored with life and try to find something that she could fit in with. 

Ashlyn spent the rest of the night thinking about what she wanted to do and who she wanted to be, and just thinking made her anxious. She was sick of anxiety and sick of not knowing. She wanted to be as confident as people saw her. She used to always receive compliments of being very confident and sure of herself, but she couldn’t help but feeling like she was just winging it, and just trying to keep her head above water. Eventually she drifted off to a dreamless sleep with her room still half unpacked and still not an idea with what she wanted to do. 

All the transfer students were encouraged to go to a new student orientation with the incoming freshman. Ashlyn knew that encouraged was just a nice word for forced, and that part of the reason why they were here was to stay out of the returner students hair while they move in. She spent the morning listening to the perks of joining greek life, (which she scoffed at, knowing that wasn’t her niche), to the dangers of underage drinking (not something she had to worry about, she was 21), and on campus jobs. She perked up at this, knowing that a job might be something to get her out of her head for a little while. When they were dismissed she walked over to a bulletin board and saw fliers for new student mixers, clubs to join and job advertisements. She wrote down a few phone numbers to call for jobs in the campus book store and at the campus coffee shop. Her eyes ran over the list of clubs to join and rolled her eyes at most of them. She didn’t want to join an anime club, or a comic book readers club, or student government association. 

She was walking away when a weird headline caught her eye:

“SOCCER FOR DUMMIES” read the headline. She took a step closer to the ad and read carefully. “Are you really bad at sports but willing to make friends? So are we! Join or club soccer team! Practices are flexible and fun! Come to our info session Tuesday at 6 pm at the student center! There will be food!” 

Ashlyn couldn’t help but smile at the advertisement. She wasn’t ever good at sports, but she was always up for making new friends, and she was trying to find a place on campus, and tonight being Tuesday, she figured she would give it a shot.

The orientation was only half a day, so Ashlyn spent the rest of the afternoon walking around campus and venturing about a mile off campus to a small shopping strip to find more places looking to hire students. She walked into a few boutiques and grabbed a few applications, but nothing really caught her eye. She started sweating on her walk back to campus. She wasn’t out of shape at the least, but she wasn’t used to the heat all around her. She was from Florida, where even though it was hot, there was wind and oceans to cool you off. Here in Texas it was dry and flat. She wasn’t used to it, and wasn’t sure if she liked it. 

She made her way back to her room, the shirt she was wearing, soaked with sweat. As she walked in she noticed boxes all around her suite and many unfamiliar faces that were red with perspiration and work. She was first noticed by a girl with long brown hair. 

“Hi!” The girl squealed as she walked over to Ashlyn, extending her hand and grabbing Ashlyn’s. As Ashlyn went into a handshake the girl pulled her into a hug. Ashlyn was almost taken aback by the sudden friendliness that greeted her. 

“My name is Alex!” Said the girl, who had a large smile plastered on her face. “You must be Ashlyn! Kelley, Tobin! Come meet Ashlyn!”

Ashlyn was suddenly swooped into hugs and introductions by her suite-mates, who all appeared to be very friendly and very attractive she noticed. They all smiled and introduced themselves and were very eager to get to know Ashlyn. Ashlyn mumbled off the basic introductions as to who she was, where she was from, how she transferred, before leaving them to unpack.

Ashlyn wanted to make new friends, but just meeting a lot of very excited new people at once made her a little anxious. She hated that she was already starting off this new year, in a new and different place anxious, she wanted it to be different and she was feeling her same cycles coming back to her. She heard music come on from the common room of her suite, and decided to finish unpacking while her suite-mates were unpacking themselves. She hung up a few posters that she had acquired over the years as joke gifts from her parents and friends, like her Twilight poster and Harry Potter movie posters. Things she wasn’t interested in, but reminded her of home. She found her bag with her picture frames and photographs in it. She sat on her bed and laid out all of the pictures in front of her.

She smiled as she traced her finger of the images of her friends from home and couldn’t help but let her glance linger on the smiling faces in the pictures. She had so many pictures of them growing up, at the beach, in Ashlyn’s bedroom and in various classrooms throughout the years. She felt homesick looking at the pictures. She stumbled across one of her and her older brother and the homesickness became stronger and she felt a knot forming in her stomach. She forced herself to stop looking at the pictures and organized them in frames all around the room. 

She was in the process of organizing all the books on her bookshelf in the order of how much she liked them, when she heard a small knock on her door. 

“Come in!” Ashlyn said, sitting up off of the floor and moving a pile of books out of her way. The face of Kelley popped in through the crack in her door, smiling and looking around Ashlyn’s room.

“Hey Ashlyn! We all just realized that we are running short on school supplies and still need to pick up our books for classes tomorrow, and wondered if you wanted to come out shopping with us? And maybe for dinner afterwards? But if you want to finish unpacking that’s totally okay too!” Kelley said remaining perfectly friendly.

To be truthful, Ashlyn didn’t necessarily want to go. She was feeling anxious again. But she knew to herself that it was her time to change, be more social and different. She she put on a smile and agreed to go with her suitemates to the store. 

She rode in the back with Alex while Kelley drove to the store and Tobin rode shot gun. One of the first impressions Ashlyn made of the group, was they were rambunctious, but in a good way. She knew they all had several inside jokes and caught on quickly that these girls have been friends for a very long time. But they were also trying to fill Ashlyn in and make her feel comfortable with them. Kelley put on silly pop music and started dancing around while she was driving and Alex and Tobin danced right along with her. Ashlyn wasn’t that comfortable with them just yet, but was enjoying the group. She learned that all three of them liked to talk, a lot. There were such a chatty and energetic bunch that Ashlyn couldn’t help but feel comfortable around them. 

They walked into Wal-Mart so they could purchase the necessities that they all needed for class. Ashlyn picked out notebooks and pens and then wandered around and found her way to the sports aisle. She was looking at different soccer balls and feeling the textures of them. On a whim she decided to add a funky tie-dye soccer ball to her cart. As she turned down the asile she almost bumped into Tobin.

“Sorry!” Tobin said as she caught in eye on Ashlyn’s basket.

“No way! You play too?” She asked as she picked the soccer ball out of Ashlyn’s cart.

“Uhm, not really. But I was thinking about joining the club soccer team that the school has? I’ve never played before, but I’m just looking for new things to do.” Ashlyn stammered as she watched Tobin throw the ball in the air and start bouncing it on her knees. 

“You should do that! Alex, Kelley and I all play for the school team. The team isn’t much better than the club team to be honest, but we all love to play soccer! We all played in high-school together and decided to play in college together. You know if you ever want any pointers, we’d love to kick the ball around with you!”

Ashlyn smiled, almost out of relief. “That sounds great” she said as she turned her basket towards the checkout. 

The rest of the evening was spent emptying bank accounts on text books and moving furniture around the room. After a dinner of take out chinese, Ashlyn looked at the time and saw it was almost 5:45. 

“Hey guys, I’m going to a club meeting, but I’ll be back later tonight.” Ashlyn said, wiping her face with a napkin and standing up. She slipped on her shoes and waved goodbye to her suite-mates and headed over to the student center. 

There were a handful of girls there, maybe 20 of various shapes and sizes. Ashlyn grabbed a water bottle and sat down on a couch in the center waiting for the meeting to start. She looked at the swollen skin around her finger nail and started picking at it. The smell of strong shampoo caught her attention, and she looked up into a large pair of brown eyes. 

“Hey! Is someone sitting there?” The pair of eyes with good smelling hair asked. Ashlyn was mesmerized. She caught a better look at the girl and saw long wavy hair tumbling down her tan athletic shoulders. She looked up and saw the girl had a mesmerizing smile. 

“Uhm.. No.” Ashlyn stammered, unable to get out a better answer.

“Okay, I am now!” Said the girl, as she sat next to Ashlyn. 

“Hi, I’m Ali!” She said as she held out her hand to Ashlyn.

“Ashlyn” she said, quickly shaking the hand, and the going back to picking at her fingernail. 

“I’m so nervous, I’ve never played soccer before! Only volleyball, but this school doesn’t have a volleyball team, so I’m just looking to try something new!” The girl blurted to Ashlyn, who just smiled and nodded. “What about you, do you play?” Ali asked Ashlyn, who just shook her head. “Do you talk though?” Ali asked laughing. The corner of Ashlyn’s mouth went up into a smile and she looked over at Ali.

“Not when someone else does all the talking for me” She said with a smirk. Ali caught the smirk and felt a blush come over her face. Ashlyn smiled more fully and continued, “I’m new here, I’m a transfer and I’m just looking to get involved”. Ali nodded and smiled. 

“I’m a transfer too...” before she could continue with the story the meeting started, and Ashly soon learned that the flyer wasn’t kidding. This was a club for people who couldn’t play soccer. But since she had never played before, she wouldn’t hate them for it. She learned that practices were about an hour to an hour and a half three times a week. And you weren’t penalized for missing practices because it was just a club. Ashlyn took all the notes she needed and went and introduced herself to the girls in charge of the club team, who appeared to be really nice. 

Ashlyn turned to leave but felt someone grab her elbow. She turned and saw Ali smiling at her. 

“I can’t wait to get to know you better Ashlyn, or to kick your butt on this team, which ever you prefer” Ali said. Ashlyn couldn’t help but smile and respond “You make it sound like doing either one of those would be easy” Ali squinted her eyes but continued to smile at Ashlyn.

“I’ll see you tomorrow at practice” Ashlyn said with a half smile as she turned around and walked back to her dorm, wondering why for the first time she didn’t feel like she was faking confidence.


	2. Chapter 2

Ashlyn woke up early the next morning. She was typically an earlier riser, but today, she was up before the sun. She always hated first days. First days of school, first days of work, first day of vacation, anything. Because with first days was a lot of unknown blank space. She turned over in her bed and pulled her comforter over her side and closed her eyes, trying to think of anything that would make the anxious knot in her stomach go away. For some reason the only thing that quelled her fear even a little bit, was the thought of the soccer practice that was tonight. She wasn’t entirely sure why she had so much riding on this one club, but she needed something, no matter how petty, to look forward to. She chewed on her lower lip, but kept her eyes closed, trying to wish herself to sleep again. Her first class wasn’t until 9 am, and she had nothing to do beforehand. But, Ashlyn couldn’t turn her brain off, no matter how hard she tried, and every time she started thinking, all she could think of was the mass of nameless people who she would meet today and how nervous that made her, she thought about new professors and a new major, and she thought about the possibility of being bored and not having a purpose. When all of this was enough to drive her mad, she yanked off her blanket and sat up. 

She threw her hair into a messy bun and pulled on a tank top and running shorts and started tying her running shoes. She grabbed her ipod and shoved in her earbuds and started running around campus. The campus was rather small so her run around campus didn’t last as long as she had hoped, so she lapped around campus and increased her speed, feeling the subtle burn in her thighs. She was never overly athletic but liked to run. 

Running was something that could get her out of her own head, she could count her steps measuring how long it took her to run from point A to point B. Or she would listen to music. She would only listen to two types of music when she ran, either classical or very hard rock. Something that she could concentrate on, music that was complicated in a way, where she could think about the different instruments and the different progressions and movements. This helped her think logically, it helped make her less anxious and it got her out of her head. A place where she was spending too much time.

She finished her third lap around the school and slowed down to a jog and made her way to her dorm building. The sun was up by this point and the early birds were starting to walk towards the dining hall for breakfast, or sneaking back to their rooms after late night in a lovers room. One good thing about living in your head a lot, is that you could observe. Ashlyn knew this. She wasn’t a big fan of talking, but she observed almost everything. Even things that people probably shouldn’t notice. She noticed the way peoples voices would change when they were uncomfortable, or how they would stand when they were trying to avoid someone. Behavior like this made Ashlyn thankful she didn’t talk too much, she didn’t want to give people a reason to avoid her, or a reason to dislike her. She preferred living by herself sometimes. Though painful, she learned the alternative can be just as hard. 

She watched people going about her morning routine as she made her way back to her dorm and up the stairs to her room. She opened the door to her suite and threw her keys on the table, before flopping herself down on the floor into a stretching position. She spread her legs out and reached in-between them, feeling the slight pull of her muscles cooling down from the run. She then bent her knees and pulled her legs into her, before bending over and straightening her back. 

“Well good morning to you too” Ashlyn heard from behind her. Straightening up and wiping the smallest bit of sweat off her forehead, Ashlyn turned around and saw a very sleepy Tobin standing behind her. Ashlyn smiled over her shoulder and replied “morning” to the girl still in her pajamas. 

Tobin walked over to a box and pulled out a coffee maker and a coffee pot. And started ratting around within the box. “You always up this early?” Tobin asked, not looking up from the box. She pulled out things like napkins, plastic wear and sugar but still continued searching inside the box.

“Not always, I just didn’t sleep too well last night, and sometimes running clears my head” Ashlyn replied, pulling herself into a standing position and walking over to the kitchen counter. She grabbed a bag of coffee and handed it to Tobin, smiling. 

“Thanks!” Tobin said, and started to make a pot of coffee. “How are you feeling about your first day of classes?” she asked while she poured the coffee into a filter and started filling the pot with water. 

“Nervous, but I’m sure it’ll be fine.” Ashlyn said shrugging. Tobin smiled and nodded in her direction. Taking the moment of silence as a cue, Ashlyn went into her room and grabbed and towel and hopped into the shower. While she lathered, rinsed and repeated she just tried to stay calm, not get anxious and stay out of her head. She tried to think of things that she knew would relax her, things that would ease the knot out of her stomach. So she started thinking about her brother and how he always could calm her down, even when she was younger and would have anxiety. Thinking about her brother made her homesick, which didn’t help the knot in her stomach. 

She sighed and exited the shower and started drying off and padded into her room. She wasn’t typically the type of girl that would spend a lot of time thinking about what she would wear or what people would think of her. She liked fashion, but she didn’t necessarily like the effort. She picked through her shorts feeling the different fabrics run through her fingers. She settled on a white denim pair which she then matched with a pink v neck shirt and finished with a pair of black high top converse. She walked over to her desk and picked up two new notebooks and a few pens before throwing them into her backpack. She nodded to Tobin as she left the room, who was currently sitting on the futon drinking coffee and on her computer. 

Ashlyn headed to breakfast and picked up an orange and an english muffin before finding a table in the back corner by herself. She pulled out her class schedule and looked it over for about the 800th time. By this time she had memorized who all of her professors were, what classrooms her classes were in, and when they all met. She refolded the paper and put it in her backpack and picked up her orange and started peeling it slowly. She heard the sound of girls laughing and looked out of the corner of her eye to see a flow of brown hair sweeping across the cafeteria. She heard the laugh again and for some reason Ashlyn found herself smirking at the laugh. She continued peeling her orange and looked up to see the girl she met the night before at the soccer meeting chasing a boy around the cafeteria. She saw Ali playfully throw something at him, before grabbing a book out of his hand and walking defiantly back to a table, and sitting down and opening the book that she just claimed back from the boy. 

Ashlyn caught quick eye contact with Ali, as Ali settled back into her chair with a smug look on her face. Almost resemblant of a toddler who just got their toy back, something about this look made Ashlyn roll her eyes and conceal a smile that she felt growing inside of her. Ali smiled at Ashlyn, who then looked down and divided up her orange and ate it. She decided she was too nervous to eat her muffin and pulled out her class schedule again, if anything for something to look at, while she picked at her thumb nail. After a few minutes she looked up at the clock hanging in the dining hall which read 8:30, and decided it was an appropriate time to start heading to class. She walked across campus and found a seat in the second row of her class room. She pulled out a notebook and took a deep breath, preparing herself for the classes that she would have that day.

She had three classes that day. All of which went by pretty much the same. An introduction by the professor, handing out of the syllabus, and a quick introduction for each student. By the end of the day Ashlyn felt like she had answered what her “name, year and major” were about 800 times. She knew going to a small school would be interesting, but something about how personal this campus was almost reminded her of high school, and she wasn’t sure how she felt about that just yet. She had already organized her day schedules and written down all of the tests and readings that she had due until the end of the semester. She was overly organized all ready and had started reading the chapters that were due for the next week for classes. It was mid afternoon and Ashlyn stood up from her desk and closed the media studies book she was currently reading. 

Looking for a break she picked up her phone and scrolled through her contacts. And stopped on her grandmothers phone number and smiled. She kept scrolling and found her brothers number and pressed the call button. He answered on the third ring. 

“Hey dummy, I thought you’d never call” He answered

“Hey loser, you busy?” Ashlyn giggled

“Not particularly, to what do I owe this honor, it’s not every day my baby sis calls me up just to chat, whats wrong?”

“Nah, nothings wrong, can’t I just call to chat?” 

“Ash, I know you way better than that. You barely chat at all” Ashlyn scoffed at his remark. 

“Okay fine, how was your first day of classes? Have you made tons of new friends? Have you painted each others toenails and shared your deepest secrets?” Chris asked.

“I hope you can feel me rolling my eyes through the phone” Ashlyn laughed “But classes are fine, my professors are all pretty interesting, same old same old, I think I might join a soccer team though.” She answered.

“A soccer team? Don’t you have to like, be recruited to play college soccer? And like, have some experience?” Chris laughed.

“Don’t get too excited, it’s just a club team, and from what I hear they suck, but my roommates are all on the schools team and said they would practice with me sometime.” she said in a carefree tone.

“It’s good you like your roommates, have you made any other friends yet?” Chris asked.

“Nah, no one important.” But for some reason, when he asked this, she almost heard a certain laughter in her head, a laugh she heard this morning, and saw a long flow of dark brown hair. She shook the image out of her head and said “okay, I just wanted to call to make sure you knew I was still alive, I take it you’ll pass the message on to our parents?”

“Okay little sis, you know, if you want to talk about anything, just call me okay? I’m not to busy for you. Well, until I find a girlfriend at least.” He said with a smile in his voice. 

“Whatever asshat. I’ll talk to you later!” Ashlyn said hanging up the phone smiling. And just like she suspected, the knot in her stomach was almost gone. She put her phone back on her desk and looked back at her books. She had spent her afternoon alone in her room getting ahead on her reading for her classes. One of the perks of being a communications major, is that you didn’t necessarily have a lot of reading to do. She rifled through the small pile of clothes on her floor that she hadn’t managed to pick up from this morning, and found the running shorts she wore this morning. She threw them back on and found the Wal-Mart bags from yesterday. She dug out the tie-dye soccer ball and pulled off the sticker and walked out into her common room.

She saw Kelley with her planner in her lap looking confused over a few sheets of paper. Hearing Ashlyn leave her room she looked up and smiled in her direction.

“Hey lady! Whats up?” She asked eyeing the soccer ball. “Please tell me you’re getting out of this room and going to play, I do not want to look at upcoming test dates anymore!” Kelley said. 

Ashlyn nodded and had a small smile. Yeah, I’m not very good, so I was just going to go kick the ball around for a little while before the club practice tonight, so I don’t embarrass myself too much.” 

Kelley scoffed “please, you won’t embarrass yourself at all. You’re probably more talented than half that team by just looking at a soccer ball, come on, lets go outside and play!” she asked with almost a childlike grin and started nodding her head at Ashlyn.

Ashlyn shook her head in a playful way and gestured. “Come on, lets go outside and play!” She said laughing at Kelley’s enthusiasm. Kelley jumped up off the futon and ran out the suite door, Ashlyn laughed again and chased after her. 

The two of them spent the next few hours chasing each other around the quad, Mostly Kelley kicking the ball and Ashlyn trying to make her way to the ball without missing it. But instead of hitting the ball to pass back to Kelley, she almost blocked it every time. 

“Do you goal keep?” Kelley asked “you’re instincts are on point.”

“I mean, no. I guess I just can’t figure out how to pass the ball right.” Ashlyn said shaking her head. She spent the rest of the time trying to concentrate on passing and foot work and other things that Kelly taught her, rather than blocking the ball every time it came her way. 

One of the perks of living on a small campus was people felt comfortable coming up and talking to you, especially when you are on the middle of the quad playing soccer. People would come up and kick the ball around with her and Kelley for a little while and introduce themselves to Ashlyn. She met all sorts of new people this way and ended up wandering down to dinner with Kelley after they played for a while. At dinner they met up with Alex and Tobin, all of whom spent the dinner time lamenting about boring first day of classes and how they already felt overwhelmed by their work load. As they got up to walk back to their room, Alex noticed the soccer ball that Ashlyn was carrying around.

“Did you guys play around today? I’m jealous! I need to let off some steam!” Alex said on their walk back.

“Yeah, and let me tell you, Ash here has some awesome goal keeping abilities. She’s trying to pretend she doesn’t, but I can feel it! This girl is good!” Kelley said knocking Ashlyn in the shoulder. Ashlyn blushed and shrugged. When they got back to their room the suite-mates spent their time unpacking the final items for their common room and chatting about their families. Ashlyn decided that even though these girls can seem like a lot to handle, she liked them. They made her smile and she could tell that they would be a good group of friends to have around. 

At six pm Ashlyn put on a new pair of running shorts and a fresh teeshirt. She didn’t have a pair of cleats so she put on an old pair of tennis shoes and grabbed her soccer ball and jogged over to the field. She kicked the ball around and practiced some of the foot work that Kelley taught her earlier today. She was concentrating so hard on her footwork she didn’t even hear someone come up behind her, and certainly wasn’t expecting it when out of nowhere someone kicked the ball from between her legs and ran forward. Astonished Ashlyn looked up and saw a smiling brunette in front of her kicking the ball, with a skeptical look on her face. Ashlyn smiled and ran after her and tried to get the ball back from her, but this girl was good. She wouldn’t let Ashlyn get two feet from the ball before she did some fancy trick and turned it around on her. Finally Ashlyn gave up and let Ali keep the ball. 

“That easy huh?” Ali said with her contagious laughter, Ashlyn turned around to see Ali laughing, which she responded by ducking her head down and smiling. “Heads up!” Ali shouted to her, and she looked up and saw a ball hurling towards her. Instead of ducking, or letting it go over her head, Ashlyn got a running start and caught the ball in the air. 

“Wow” Ali said with a smile as she let out a low whistle. “That was some save my friend!Makes up for your sloppy defending.” Ashlyn rolled her eyes and put her ball under her arm. 

“Maybe I was just letting you win” Ashlyn said with a wink. “Where did that come from” she asked herself “who are you right now? her internal monologue was screaming at her. 

Ali let out a small giggle and walked over and shoved Ashlyn “for some reason, I doubt that you would just let me win. Don’t be a sore looser” Ali said sticking her tongue in between her teeth and giving Ashlyn a wide grin. They both looked up when they heard a whistle and saw the club leaders starting practice. Ashlyn soon learned that Kelley wasn’t kidding, this team wasn’t really anything but a bunch of girls just looking to run around a kick a ball around. She didn’t mind much though, because that’s all she was looking to do. And by the end of practice she was laughing and having a good time with all of the girls. They had just finished a small informal scrimmage when the whistle blew again. 

It was getting dark outside when practice ended and they all started walking in their separate directions towards the four different dorms on campus. Ashlyn grabbed her bag and her ball and started trotting back to her room when she heard footsteps behind her.

“Hey Ashlyn, do you live in central center too?” Ali asked as she caught up with Ashlyn who slowed her pace and started walking with Ali and she just nodded.

“Good, I hate walking alone, I always get bored” Ali said looking over at Ashlyn. Who for some reason had nothing to say back to Ali. Ali rolled her eyes and said.  
“Oh so you’re only all talk when you are in the field? You didn’t even have anything to say when my team kicked your teams ass in that scrimmage!” Ashlyn let out a small snort. 

“That scrimmage was nothing, and anyway, I don’t even know how to play. Just wait, in a week you won’t be able to keep the ball away from me” Ashlyn said with a smug look on her face.

“You sure are confident, has anyone told you that? And is that a hint of smugness that I hear in your voice? Just wait Harris, I’ll make sure I’ll win!” Ali said almost excited over the banter Ashlyn started. “And you’ll learn, I don’t really like to loose” she said towards Ashlyn, who looked over her shoulder at her to see Ali smiling down at the ground. 

“Something told me that, I’m not sure what it was. Maybe it was you chasing that boy all around the cafeteria this morning. Can’t a girl eat an orange in peace at 8 am?” 

“Oh that was my cousin, we grew up together and he always tries to get under my skin, he knows how to annoy me. All boys do. I don’t waste my time with them though” Ali said looking over at Ashlyn, with an almost expectant look. 

“Maybe they don’t waste their time with you” Ashlyn said laughing. 

“Are you already teasing me? We’ve known each other, what five seconds?” Ali said with a fake offended look. At this point they had arrived at the entrance of their dorm building and Ashlyn started to head towards her wing. 

“Bye Ashlyn, see you around!” Ali said nudging Ashlyn. 

“Eh, that’s if I decide I can put up with you” Ashlyn responded with another wink to Ali, before turning around and walking towards her room.

“I already told you, I don’t like to loose!” shouted Ali. Ashlyn didn’t turn around to see the smug look that Ali was making in her direction, but she could feel it in her bones. Her face felt really warm and weird for a second before Ashlyn realized that she was blushing. She tried to shake her head as if to shake the blush off. Her internal monologue going crazy now. And now, the knot in her stomach almost turned to butterflies. But before that could happen, Ashlyn shrugged the thought out of her head. She wasn’t ready for this. Not again.


	3. Chapter 3

The next night Ashlyn had a better rest than she did the night before. She didn’t toss and turn as much and didn’t wake up nearly as early. The sun woke her up the next morning, and Ashlyn laid on her back and chewed on her thumbnail, staring up at the ceiling. Her stomach was doing flips this morning, alternating between a knot and butterflies, and honestly she didn’t know which one she preferred. She shut her eyes and out of nowhere she heard Ali’s laugh in her mind, and pictured her brown hair cascading down her shoulders. Ashlyn tried to shake the image out of her head but it wouldn’t go away, and she couldn’t help but remember what happened last time her stomach felt this way, which then made the knot form. She started to get sick of this tug of war. And even though she tried to bury herself into her blankets and forget, and tried to will herself back to sleep, she started to taste blood in her mouth and opened her eyes and saw the skin around her thumbnail was bleeding again. She forced herself standing and walked over and found another pair of running shorts and settled into her new morning routine. 

She took the same path as she did the day before, a few laps around campus. It was warmer today than it was the day before and she still wasn’t used to the rough dry heat that Texas provided. The air was thick and the sun was pounding down on her back, even though it was only around 8:30 in the morning. The heat was a distraction though, something more for her to think about, and she was listening to music today. Loud and sharp classical music. She didn’t know what it was, but whatever she was listening to had lots of intensifying progressions and transitions, and trying to identify the different instruments eased the knot in her stomach a little. Her first class wasn’t until 11 today, so she decided to go straight from her run to breakfast, if anything to hydrate. The heat sucked everything out of her and she felt more tired than she had the day before. 

She jogged over to the cafeteria and went straight to the drink fountain and filled up a glass of water and grabbed an apple. She went and sat down at the table from breakfast the day before and nibbled on the apple, still listening loudly to the same song from her run. She decided it would be a good time to email her parents again, so she pulled out her phone and set down her apple. 

Hey mom and dad,

Classes are now in full swing and so far I like them! I only have one class today and it’s just German so it shouldn’t be too bad. German 101 should be a breeze after 4 years of it in high-school. My suite-mates are named Tobin, Alex and Kelley and they are all really nice. They are all friends from high-school so it’s a little strange trying to fit in with them, but they are nice enough and trying to include me. I’m still looking for a job, but today after class I’m going to go talk to the coffee shop and bookstore to talk about the openings that posted. Also, I joined a soccer team! It’s just a club team that they have on campus, but it’s pretty fun and all of the girls seem really nice!

She paused for a second and thought about what she was going to say next. She shook the thought out of her head and continued typing.

Anyway, that’s all that’s up for now. 

I love you and miss you! Tell grams I say hi! 

Ashlyn

Right as she was pressing send, a particularly loud progression of the song came up and she was so preoccupied she didn’t hear someone calling her name, or hear a chair from the table she was sitting at being scooted out. She saw her apple jiggle on the table which caught her attention and looked up at a grinning face. 

“Hey stranger” Ali said, but Ashlyn still had her ear buds in and didn’t hear. As she pulled them out she suddenly became aware that she hadn’t showered yet this morning, and that she was still gross from her run, and was desperately trying to remember if she put on deodorant. And all of the sudden the knot and the butterflies were back simultaneously, and she hated it. 

“Hey” Ashlyn said giving a small smile to Ali, and she picked up her apple and started gnawing on it again. 

“Come here often?” Ali said with a wink and started laughing at her own joke, while playfully slugging Ashlyn in the shoulder in almost over excessive sarcasm. Ashlyn could only roll her eyes at this girl and let out a small laugh. 

“Oh yes, you’re hilarious” Ashlyn said as she rolled her eyes strong enough for Ali to see. And all Ali did was laugh back. 

“So, what are you up to today?” Ali asked as she started peeling a banana that she had brought to the table with her.

“I only have one class today, and then I may go look for jobs and stuff, what about you?” Ashlyn took a swig of her water and wrapped the core of her apple in a napkin, and started picking at her thumb. 

“I only have one class too, and I know German 101 is going to be a bore” she said as she took a bite into the banana. 

“Who do you have for German? I have 101 today at 11.” As Ashlyn said this she saw Ali raise an eyebrow. And smile. 

“Some Dr. Smith, at 11” She smiled and locked eyes with Ashlyn who smiled and shook her head. 

“Me too. Even though I’m almost fluent, I figured an easy class for my language credit isn’t too shameful.” As she said this Ali laughed and took a sip of water before responding.   
“Good for you, because I may need your help! I’m horrible at languages!” Ali smiled and finished eating her banana as Ashlyn stood up. 

“I’ll see you in class then. I should probably shower before class, so I don’t scare everyone away” Ashlyn said smiling and picking up her trash. She waved and walked away, and turned her back before she saw Ali let out a puff of air and run her hands through her hair. 

Ashlyn jogged the short distance back to her dorm and went straight to the shower. She scrubbed and lathered until every trace of her run was gone and mentally tried to quiet her stomach, as it started the game of flips all over again. She turned the water on as hot as it would go and leaned her forehead against the wall. Feeling the hot water pour down her back she closed her eyes and steadied her breathing and let the steam clear out her head and almost physically make the knot in her stomach melt away. She stood there for a few minutes, feeling welts rise on her back with the water, she snapped out of her trance and turned off the water. She stepped out and wrapped herself up the towel before walking over to her room. 

With her towel still wrapped around her she looked at her face in the mirror, swollen from the hot water, and stared at her reflection for a few minutes. She looked into her own eyes, and searched and saw poofy bags under her eyes that seemed almost engrained in her face, and she saw her own freckles and and the shape of her cheekbones. But even as she was looking in the mirror, she didn’t know who she was. And then the knot came back and she started to get frustrated with herself. 

She had about an hour before class and shuffled through her clothes again, almost getting nervous because suddenly she cared about what to wear. And she couldn’t help but want to roll her eyes at herself. Which made her frustrated and made the knot grow. Which made her pick at her fingernails. 

She settled on a pair of denim shorts and a dark gray vneck shirt. She got dressed and picked up a strand of her limp hair in the mirror. Before combing it out and putting it into a side braid. She slipped on her hightops and picked up a pair of sunglasses. By the time her anxiety over her personal grooming was over it was time for her to leave for class.

She picked a seat near the front of her class room again, and looked down at her watch and realized she was about 20 minutes early or class. She pulled out a notebook and a pen and her planner and tried not to think about much of anything. 

Dr. Smith: German 101 Day 1 she wrote at the top of the first page of her notebook. She felt a gust of wind almost and looked to her left when she felt a presence beside her. 

“Hey Ash! You smell really good!” Ali said as she sat down next to Ashlyn and dug through a tote bag that was bursting at the seams. She pulled out a pen and a notebook and casually tossed the bag down at her feet. Ali pulled her legs into an indian style position in the chair and folded the spiral notebook over to open up a clean first page. 

“Thanks” Ashlyn mumbled, feeling suddenly frustrated by the compliment. And her stomach started playing it’s favorite game. And she started picking at her fingernails. “This girl’s a mess” she thought to herself as she watched Ali pull her loose wavy hair up into a messy bun, and Ashlyn couldn’t help but watch her shoulders flex in the blue tank top that Ali was wearing and she smiled. Ali noticed the smile and winked at Ashlyn. “She’s got to stop doing that” Ashlyn thought.

The class started soon after that and it was the same as the day before lots of introductions and book lists. Ashlyn had bought her text book already and shared it with Ali, who hadn’t yet bought it, while the teacher went through the first few pages of the book. Ashlyn didn’t really bother to take notes, because she already knew how to count to ten in German. But she saw Ali take diligent notes for each thing the professor said and even re-write what the book said. Ashlyn watched her loopy handwriting form words and then start doodling hearts and such in the margins. 

Ashlyn packed her book and notebook in her bag when the class was over and almost rushed out of the room. She heard footsteps behind her and felt a tap on her shoulder. 

“Hey, what are you up to now?” Ali said, matching Ashlyn’s pace, as she started weaving through people exiting classrooms. 

“I think I’m going to go to the bookstore to see if they’re still hiring” Ashlyn said, pressing herself up agains the wall for a second while one boy ran through the hallway. She turned her head to Ali who was smiling.

“Mind if I tag along? I figured I should buy the textbook or this dreadful class.” Ali said as the two caught their pace again.

“Sure” Ashlyn said. As they exited the building and walked over to the student center, which held the bookstore. The air in the building hit them like a cold cloud, a nice break from the constant heat. And they parted ways at the bookstore. for a moment while Ali went and asked for help finding a the textbook and Ashlyn went to talk to the manager. She picked up an application and the manager confirmed they were hiring and that he felt like Ashlyn would be a great fit, he pretty much promised her the job if she turned in the application, soon. Picking up on his cue she sat down at a table in the student center and filled out the application pretty quickly, and walked back into the store and handed it to the manager who promised that he would call her soon. Smiling she walked around the small space and found Ali, who had purchased the textbook and was putting her debit card back into her wallet. 

“They tell you that college is expensive, but they don’t warn you that you will spend an arm and a leg on textbooks for language that you will barely use” Ali said, scoffing. 

“I can help you out on your homework if you have trouble.” Ashlyn said, almost surprised by the fact that those words just came out of her mouth.

“Thanks, I really appreciate the offer” Ali said as they made their way back to their dorm tower. “So, do you run every morning?” Ali said as she crossed her eyes over to Ashlyn.

“Well, I never used to, but I guess it’s becoming almost a habit now” Ashlyn shrugged. 

“I’ve been meaning to start up, especially now that we are playing with the club, I should probably get into better shape. Are you looking for a running buddy?” Ali asked as she focused on her feet still walking forward. Ashlyn’s head started spinning, not really sure how to answer the question, she liked having the time to think by herself. But for some reason, she didn’t want to turn down spending time with Ali. 

“I’m sorry, I just invited myself. You probably don’t want me to interrupt. Don’t worry about it” Ali almost stammered as she pulled her hair out of the bun. They were reaching the entrance of the dorm now. 

“I’ve never run with anyone before” Ashlyn admitted. “But you can join if you want.” Ashlyn said lowly and looked over at Ali with a questioning look. 

“Okay, I just don’t want to intrude” Ali said.

“How did you know I ran?” Ashlyn realized and kept the questioning look in Ali’s direction. 

Ali shrugged. “I saw you today when I was sitting on the quad this morning doing some reading, but you looked really focused so I didn’t want to bother you” Ali said easily. They had come to their parting in the dorm building.

“I’ll probably leave tomorrow at around 7 if you want to meet in the lobby?” Ashlyn said, almost awkwardly, forcing herself to look up at Ali. 

“Okay Ash, see you there!” Ali said with her ever energetic smile and waved as she walked down the hallway to her room. 

Ashlyn felt her stomach turning and she picked at her thumb as she walked back to her dorm room. Ali was a mess all right, but something intrigued Ashlyn And the intrigue made her nervous. And the nerves made her pick at her thumb. Her stomach twisted and turned as she went back to her room and she tried to make something fill her time so she could get out of her own head.


	4. Chapter 4

Ashlyn propped the window open to her room and let the heat come in, but with the heat there was also a gentle wind, which was welcomed by her. Sitting in on her bed in front of her window she breezed through the German homework that she had already acquired, and was almost upset with the fact that it didn’t take her longer to complete the homework. Once she finished it she was bored again. She felt her phone buzz and saw that she had received an e-mail. 

Hey Ashlyn, 

Thanks for applying for the open position at the bookstore! I read through your application and it seems like you’d be a perfect fit! You start on Monday and I’ll give you the rest of your schedule then! Thanks again!

Bernard Adams 

Book Store Manager 

Ashlyn felt a little bit better now that she knew she had something that would fill up her time a little bit more and something that could keep her out of her head. She still had too much free time to be perfectly comfortable with herself, but the thought of doing anything new made her anxious. She adjusted herself out of her bed and shuffled over to the bookshelf and thumbed through her favorite titles. She picked up her copy of the complete works of Jane Austen and looked at the table of contents. She grabbed her water bottle and made her way to the common room of the suite and plopped down on the couch. She found her way to Persuasion and started reading the familiar story. 

Jane Austen was always a good way to get out of her own head, and a few hours later she had finished reading the novel and she breathed as she put down the novel. Glad that she was able to get out of her head for a few hours. And if anything, the constant pondering of Jane Austen’s characters about unrequited love did not soothe her mind like she had hoped, and if anything all it did was make her picture a certain new friend of hers. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The next morning Ashlyn woke up before her alarm. The sun wasn’t even awake yet and she woke up with her fingers already in her mouth. She faced the wall and continued her routine of trying to make her head shut up and trying to will herself back to sleep, neither of which worked at all. Her stomach was turning flips and suddenly she was regretting agreeing to go on a run with Ali. She was thinking of ways to get out of it, like suddenly becoming ill. Or accidentally over sleeping. Or, just not showing up. She was racking her brain with an excuse when her alarm went off at 6:40. Telling her it was now or never if she was going to back out. Ashlyn turned off the alarm and flipped over onto her other side, facing her open closet, and pulled her knees up to her chest, curling herself into a little ball. Feeling incredibly nervous and anxious for what she felt like was no reason. She knew this was going to be agonizing in some way or another.  
“It’s just a run, friends go on a run together” she said as she coaxed herself out of a ball formation and stood up, stretching her legs in front of her. She found her last clean pair of running shorts, threw on a sports bra and a tank top and put her hair on top of her head in a bun again. She laced up her tennis shoes and headed down the stairs into the lobby, before it was too late for her to change her mind. As she entered the lobby she saw a dark haired figure pacing back and fourth. She stopped in the stairwell for a second and watched Ali pace back and fourth and start jumping up and down, and then continue pacing. 

“Jesus Christ” Ashlyn said under her breath as she noticed what Ali was wearing, a bright red sports bra and a pair of black sophie shorts, with a pair of tennis shoes. Ashlyn could almost count each of Ali’s abs, but resisted the urge. She clomped down the stairs and saw Ali stop pacing and look towards her and a smile grow on her face. Ali yawned as she waved good morning to Ashlyn. 

“Hey” Ashlyn said as she walked up in front of Ali, and the two walked out of the front door together. 

“7 am came a lot earlier than expected” Ali said in a nonchalant manner and continued to yawn as the pair walked towards the path that Ashlyn had been running in the morning. Ashlyn shrugged and smiled at Ali.

“Okay, so this is where I usually start...” She said nervously as they came to the path. Ali nodded and took off jogging in front of Ashlyn, who couldn’t help but smile and followed her at a slow jog. She went and matched Ali’s pace and they stayed that way for the first lap around campus. She felt Ali quicken her pace and Ashlyn matched it. Ali sped up even more and looked at Ashlyn with a sly grin on her face, and Ashlyn thought she almost heard a small chuckle. Taking notice, Ashlyn raised an eyebrow and smiled down on the ground. She started at a full sprint and passed Ali with ease. She felt herself getting further and further away from Ali, and slowed back down to a jog for a second. Then she felt a weird stinging on her butt, and saw Ali speed past her, and this time she heard a very distinctive and contagious laugh coming out of Ali’s mouth. 

“Oh my god, she just slapped my butt!” Ashlyn’s mind screamed as she watched Ali run in front of her. She could see the muscles in her back working couldn’t help but look the shaped ass that was running in front of her. “Damn” she breathed and forced herself to stop. She smiled and sped up again, matching her pace with Ali’s. At this point they had finished their third lap around campus and both of them were breathing rather hard. As if they were thinking the same thing, they ventured off the path and headed back to the dorm building. They stopped in the lobby, both of the girls welcoming the cool feel of air-conditioning on their faces. 

“You weren’t kidding, that was fun!” Ali grinned and bent over, grabbing her sides and bending towards the floor. Ashlyn had to divert her eyes and just nodded feeling frustrated at herself for a second that she couldn’t keep conversation going any better.

“Yeah it always helps clear my head” Ashlyn said. Ali stopped stretching for a second and looked up at Ali, keeping her toothy grin on her face. 

“Haha, my head isn’t too clear right now, but it was still fun” Ali said with a wink towards Ashlyn, whose face got redder than it already was from the run. “Anyway, did you hear about the party tonight? Some of the girls from the team were talking about going, and it sounds like fun!” Ali said, with a questioning look on her face towards Ashlyn. 

“I don’t know” Ashlyn said, dumbfounded for a second. This was the first she had heard of a party tonight, and she typically wasn’t the party type. “I don’t know, it’s still the first week and I typically don’t go to parties...” Ashlyn trailed off. 

“Come on! It’ll be fun! Loosen up a little! Maybe you’re a little chattier if we put a few drinks in you.” Ali said, sticking her tongue in between her teeth and smiling at Ashlyn. Ashlyn continued to blush and said “Maybe, I don’t know.”

“Whatever, I’ll be at your room at 10:30 tonight, you’re going.” Ali said before she walked down her hallway. Before she was out of Ashlyn’s sight she looked over her shoulder and let out a sigh and wiped some of the sweat off of her face. 

Ashlyn headed back to her room and almost collapsed on the floor when she entered. She laid down in a stretching position with her legs open in a v, and laid her torso flat on the ground. She pushed her arms in front of her and stretched them out as far as they could go. She felt her muscles twitch from being tired and how the tugged underneath her. She hauled herself up from the ground and grabbed her water bottle off of the table from where she left it the day before and chugged. Feeling incredibly exhausted from the work out this morning, and the fact that she didn’t have the normal time to clear her head this morning, and she hadn’t been sleeping well. She refilled her water bottle and waved a good morning to a sleepy Kelley exiting her room, and jumped into her shower, finishing her morning routine.

She went through her three classes that day, and noticed a commonality all throughout campus, everyone was talking about the party that was tonight, and everyone was thankful it was Friday. She was still tired by the afternoon when she wandered back to her room. She turned on the television onto some mindless BRAVO program and laid down on the futon she closed her eyes and picked at her thumbnail until she had fallen asleep into a restless nap.

She woke up about two hours later to the sound of laughter and the door slapping. She sat up very groggy with her hair plastered to the side of her face. 

“Awww” Alex said giggling at the sleepy Ashlyn.

“I’m sorry man! We didn’t mean to wake you up!” Tobin said.

“It’s okay, I didn’t need to be napping anyway” Ashlyn said as she pulled herself into a sitting position.

“Bro, please tell me you are going to this party tonight” Kelley said as she pulled a glass down from the cabinet and filled it with water. The three girls all sat down around the room and looked at Ashlyn waiting for her response. 

“Uhm” She shrugged “I guess I am, I promised a friend of mine that I would go... And knowing her, I won’t be able to get out of it.” Ashlyn said in a skeptical tone. 

“Hell yeah you’re going! The first party of the year is always the best!” Alex said with an excited smile. “You can pre-game with us in here if you want before hand? I have tequila!” Alex said grinning and nudging Ashlyn in the sides. Who couldn’t help but smile at the excited girls around her. 

“Of course I will, can my friend join if she shows up early?” Kelley responded by nodding excitedly and high-fiving Ashlyn. 

“Yes!” Tobin cheered, clearly excited about tonight’s shenanigans. 

“Wait, aren’t you guys in season? I thought you weren’t supposed to drink?” Ashlyn said with a skeptical look.

“Psht, that isn’t for another month” Alex said “which means we have to party now!” All three of the girls seemed sincerely excited that Ashlyn had agreed to come and started talking about the plans that they had, and how excited they were for the party and how this was the best frat on campus. Ashlyn just sat back on the futon and listened and nodded when it was appropriate. The knot in her stomach formed as usual and her stomach started churning as she became more and more nervous about this party. 

To be honest, Ashlyn had never been to a college party before. She had gone to a few house parties, and she’d been drunk before. But she had never been to a fraternity party. Her school before this didn’t have frats and certainly didn’t have parties. She didn’t know what to do, or what to wear, and suddenly she was starting to think it was a bad idea. 

The girls ventured down to the dining hall for dinner, still talking about how exciting the party was going to be. And the whole time Ashlyn’s head was on high drive. The wheels hadn’t stopped turning all day. She pushed food around her plate and didn’t really feel like eating. She looked around the cafeteria and saw Ali sitting with a large group of people, smiling and laughing at a joke that caused the whole table to erupt. Her stomach started doing flips again, which caused her pinky nail to end up in her mouth. 

That night the whole suite spent the night getting ready for the party, and Ashlyn had so much anxiety surrounding it, she was just ready for it to end. Around 9:30 they all started getting dressed and ready for the party. Alex came out in little skirt and a tank top. Kelley wore a pair tiny white shorts and a shirt with a deep v. Tobin wore skinny jeans and a a tight spaghetti strap shirt. All the girls had done their hair into flowing waves and put on more make up than Ashlyn had seen them in all week. Ashlyn looked in front of her closet for a while and was utterly dumb founded and had no idea what to wear. Kelley popped her head in the door and saw Ashlyn’s frustration and started chuckling. 

“Alex! I think we need your expertise here! Ashlyn is struggling!” Kelley belted across the room. The pair heard Alex stomp into the room and saw them staring at the closet. She picked through some of the tops that Ashlyn had hanging up before laughing and picking up the pair of white denim shorts off the floor and handing them to Ashlyn. 

“Here, wear these, I’ll be right back” Alex said as she tossed the shorts to Ashlyn and sauntered over to her room. She returned a few minutes later with a black sequined top that she handed to Ashlyn. “Put these together and no one will be able to keep their eyes off of you” she winked and walked out of Ashlyn’s room, tugging Kelley by the hand. Ashlyn tugged off the pants she was wearing and slid the shorts up her thighs and threw on the tank top. She looked at herself in the mirror and couldn’t help but sigh at her reflection. She felt like she couldn’t be sexy or even cute no matter how hard she tried. She pulled her hair out the bun that she had been wearing it in all day and fluffed her hair out. It cascaded in loose waves over her tan, freckled shoulders, and she ran her fingers through it at the crown of her head, pushing it off of her face. She walked over to the bathroom and pulled out her makeup bag, and rifled through it for a second before getting frustrated. She walked into the common room where she saw Tobin standing over by the counter with what appeared to be a gallon of tequila. 

Kelley walked over to Ashlyn and picked up the make up bag and gestured her over to a chair, and without even asking Kelley had applied eye liner and mascara to Ashlyn and shoved a drink in her hand. Ashlyn smelled the drink before she even brought it up to her face and wrinkled her nose. Kelley grabbed one of her own and smiled at Ashlyn, before clinking glasses with her and chugging the whole drink down. 

Ashlyn took a few slow sips of the drink and felt the burn down her throat. Her eyes watered at the strength of the drink. She put her glass down and took a deep breath and licked the remaining tequila off of her lips. She watched Tobin make Kelley another drink, that appeared to be mostly tequila with a drop of orange juice. Ashlyn walked over to her room and slipped on her comfortable high tops and put her thumb into her mouth as she followed the sound of Alex and Kelley’s laughter into the common room. The two were sitting on the futon with Kelley’s head on Alex’s shoulder and they were laughing at something Tobin just said. 

She almost didn’t hear the knock over the laughter, but the faint sound caught Ashlyn’s attention, and she picked up her glass that she had set down earlier and finished the drink. Before shaking her head at the potentness of the drink and opening the door. Her head was already fuzzy because of the tequila, but suddenly her head started swimming even more when she saw Ali in front of her. Ali had on a dark red, silky looking tank top, paired with a pair of black shorts. Her hair was pulled half back off of her face, with her bangs still covering the right side of her forehead. When the door open she had a wide smile on her face, a smile that she always seemed to have Ashlyn noticed. 

“Uhm, hi.” Ashlyn said, almost stammering, she opened the door wider and Ali stepped in, or tumbled into the door.

“Sorry” Ali said with a huge grin on her face. She entered the room and stood by the entrance for a second while Ashlyn closed the door. 

“Do you want something to drink?” Ashlyn said looking around the room, her hands were down at her sides, but she was picking at her thumb nail again. Her tongue started feeling thick and she was wondering just how much tequila Tobin had put in her drink. Ali nodded and went and walked over by the other girls on the futon. “Guys, this is Ali, she plays on the club team with me and is in my german class with me.” Ashlyn said trying to string the words together properly. “Ali, this is Tobin, Alex and Kelley” she said, nodding to each of them at their separate places around the room. Ali waved hello to the girls and they all made their introductions as she sat in a chair across from the futon and chatted with them. Ashlyn refilled her glass using about the same measurements that Tobin had used before and made Ali a drink. Ashlyn walked over and pulled up a chair next to Ali and handed her the glass. Ali had already come to the room tipsy, and by the time the girls decided it was an appropriate time to head to the party, they were all stumbling and slurring.

They walked out of the dorm building and started heading in the direction of the frat houses, all of the girls giggling and talking and leaning on one another. Ali fit right in with the group and had no issue blending in with them and becoming friends. Ashlyn was almost envious at how Ali’s confidence and how it appeared that she could fit in almost anywhere without even trying. Even though she was jealous, she couldn’t help but find it enthralling and exciting. Even though she had thought earlier that Ali was a mess, she was just colorful enough that Ashlyn saw through the mess, and was only met with intrigue. Though all of the girls were having trouble walking correctly Ashlyn couldn’t help but notice that Ali was almost strutting in the wedge heels that she was wearing with her outfit. And Ashlyn again had to force herself to stop staring. 

They could smell and hear the party before they saw it. It was as though a cloud of smoke was rising from the party and they could hear howling and hooting from the boys in the party and a strong beat of whatever music was playing. Ali turned around and looked at Ashlyn excitedly as they started hearing the music and brushed her bangs out of her face, almost sloppily and reached for Ashlyn’s arm and dragged her forward. The other three girls had their arms linked and were chatting about the party and had non stop laughter while Ali linked her arm with Ashlyn’s. Ashlyn felt her stomach do backflips while Ali did this, which is a dangerous combination with the amount of liquor that Tobin had force fed her. The knot in her stomach tightened, and suddenly Ali reached her hand down and intertwined her fingers with Ashlyn’s, who didn’t know how to respond or what to do, but didn’t try to pull away. 

They entered the dark frat house and suddenly everything was a blur. There were flashing lights and loud beats and screaming and sweat and Ashlyn’s mind was feeling even fuzzier than it had in a long time. Ali pulled her forward into a crowd of dancing people. She looked back and tried to identify Kelley and Tobin and Alex, but they were nowhere to be found in the giant mass of people that engulfed her and Ali. But Ali had a tight grip on her hand and pulled her deeper and deeper into the crowd. The music was so loud that Ashlyn couldn’t even think or have a moment to comprehend what she should do or how she should act. As if on cue Ali started dancing, which confused Ashlyn even more. Her stomach was turning and she didn’t dance and was starting to feel incredibly anxious in this crowd. But Ali smiled, which instantly made the knot in Ashlyn’s stomach loosen, and let go of Ashlyn’s hand for the first time since they entered the house. She put her hands on either side of Ashlyn’s hips and moved them in time with hers. Although Ashlyn couldn’t hear it, she saw Ali’s face erupt in laughter and locked eyes with Ashlyn. 

“Relax” Ali’s lips read, and even though she couldn’t hear the words, Ashlyn started to relax, even just a little, and started moving her hips with Ali, which made Ali smile even brighter. And suddenly, she felt light and loose. She knew that it was probably the alcohol, but she felt her stomach relax and she started moving with the crowd. And she didn’t feel anxious anymore or nervous and she didn’t mind the sweat from the crowd or the noise anymore. She was dancing with Ali and actually having fun for the first time in a while. She didn’t feel butterflies or even a knot, she didn’t feel much of anything thanks to the tequila, but she felt the energy of the crowd and the energy of Ali’s smile, and her eyes locked with hers. 

Right as Ashlyn started getting comfortable Ali turned around and stopped dancing with Ashlyn, but instead started dancing on her. And as quickly as flipping a light switch, the butterflies and the knot were back without any notice, and she became aware of the sweat all around her, down her neck and her arms, and how loud the music was and how bright the lights were and how drunk she was and she felt her knees feel weak and wasn’t confident in anything anymore. She stopped dancing and just looked around the room for a second and thought about backing up and leaving, but Ali turned back around and gave the same soundless laughter that Ashlyn saw earlier, she grabbed Ashlyn’s hands again and put them on her hips this time, and she turned back around and continued dancing with her back against Ashlyn, and again Ashlyn didn’t understand where this confidence was coming from. The knot in her stomach loosened ever so slightly and she tried to not feel awkward as she danced with Ali and tried to relax and let the liquor take over again, but it was hard. Ali leaned back into Ashlyn, and she felt the dark silky hair on her bare shoulders and Ali’s hips were still moving in time with Ashlyn’s. And she started feeling warm all over in so many various ways, besides the sweat and the heat of outside and huge crowd, she was warm all over and her stomach loosened again. Ali was still leaning into Ashlyn and tilted her head back and smiled at Ashlyn, and Ashlyn let back a weak smile, and still tried to regain her thoughts.  
They stayed this way for a few hours, until the party died down and everyone was either too intoxicated to stay or too tired. And as the room started to clear out Ali grabbed Ashlyn’s hand and lead her out of the frat house. She didn’t let go of Ashlyn’s hand the entire walk back to their dorm and the two walked with their hands linked all the way back to the dorm, stumbling every now and then with tequila still in their system, and not saying a single word to one another. When they reached the lobby of the dorm Ali pulled her hand away from Ashlyn. 

“I know you say parties aren’t your scene, but you know how to have a fun time” Ali said smiling out of the side of her mouth, her eyes squinted up at Ashlyn. Ashlyn didn’t really know how to respond so she just shrugged and looked down at the ground. 

“You know, one day, I’m going to break through that shell of yours, Ashlyn” Ali said, in almost a matter of fact tone, she wasn’t smiling anymore and she said the words without a slur. She was looking straight into Ashlyn’s eyes. Her stomach didn’t knot, and it didn’t start flipping, and she didn’t feel the need to start picking at her finger nail. Ashlyn knew that Ali was serious.

“I’d have to break through it myself first” Ashlyn said, looking back down at the ground. But she felt Ali still staring at her. When she looked up she saw Ali had a different sort of sad smile on her face, and this smile made Ashlyn’s stomach turn and twist like it was on a roller coaster ride. Ali reached out and grabbed one of Ashlyn’s hands.

“Don’t worry, friends can help each other do that.” She smiled. “I’m not tired yet, do you want to come back to my room for a little while?” Ali said with sincerity in her voice. And before Ashlyn responded Ali intertwined her fingers with hers, and again took the lead down the hallway towards her room. Ashlyn stuck her free hand in her mouth and started chewing on her ring fingernail, and didn’t resist the urge to follow Ali into her room. She didn’t smile, and she wasn’t as drunk anymore. But in the back of her mind, she started feeling dread, because she was already starting to fall for this fun stranger who took her under her wing.


	5. Chapter 5

Ali pressed her finger to her lips as she unlocked the door to her suite, but a smile spread across her lips as the opened up the door to the dark room. Ali never let go of Ashlyn’s hand the entire time, and Ashlyn was still racking her brains with reasons to let go. Even though she wasn’t as intoxicated, her brain was still fuzzy and she could feel herself tip toeing the line between drunk and hungover but she had enough tequila in her system to still not pull her hand away. Ali lead Ashlyn into her bedroom in the suite. Though it was still dark, it wasn’t as dark as the rest of the suite. There were twinkly christmas lights hanging up and down the walls all over Ali’s bedroom, giving it sort of a glow. Ashlyn looked over and Ali’s face was glowing with the lights. She looked around the room and saw pictures lining the walls, so many pictures it almost made Ashlyn feel like she was in another place. She passed her eyes over a few, and she could almost hear Ali’s contagious laugh through the smiles in the pictures. A soft smile spread over Ashlyn’s face as she walked through the room looking at the pictures. 

As Ashlyn moved through the room and continued looking at pictures and then looked at her bookshelf. While her eyes passed over the novels and their titles she heard Tchaikovsky playing softly in the background. Her eyes looked up to Ali, who was standing over a glowing laptop, her hair illuminated by the glow of the computer and of the twinkle lights in her room. 

“You listen to this?” Ashlyn asked as she looked through the titles more carefully. She smiled noticing that some of her favorite authors were also on Ali’s bookshelf. 

“Yeah, it helps me keep my head on straight” Ali said, shrugging. Ashlyn sat down on the floor in front of the bookshelf and crossed her legs over one another, and sighed as she pulled her hair over her left shoulder. She picked up Fahrenheit 451 and opened to the first page and let her pointer finger run over the first sentence. “It was a pleasure to burn.” The first sentence of the book read. The sentence made chills run down her spine and she was so immersed in the enthralling first sentence of the book she didn’t even notice Ali had taken a seat on her bed and was watching her. 

“That’s one of my favorites.” Ali said “Every time I read it, I am just so engulfed in it I can’t put it down.” Ashlyn nodded in agreement with Ali. “I didn’t tell you, but you looked fantastic tonight. “Ali said as she kicked off her wedges and pulled her feet underneath her. Ashlyn smiled and blushed. 

“Thanks, you too. Everyone couldn’t keep their eyes off of you” Ashlyn said as she put the book back on the shelf. Ali shrugged. 

“What’s your favorite color?” She asked, her eyes never leaving Ashlyn. Ashlyn, looked up from the bookshelf, caught off guard from the question. She didn’t like answering questions and her stomach started knotting again. 

“Uhm. Blue, well, Sea-foam, I think. Why do you ask?” Ashlyn answered as she picked at a piece of the rug that she was sitting on. 

“It’s weird, because I feel connected to you, but I don’t know you, so this is me trying.” Ali said shrugging her shoulders again, and pulling her hair out of the clip it had been in all night, grabbing a hair tie off of her desk and putting her hair into a loose bun. “That probably sounds really weird, but I don’t mean it like that. Just for some reason, you seem really interesting, and you’re really quiet, so I figured you’re in your head a lot, and I’m just interested in what you’re thinking.” Ali said quietly. She reached over into her dresser and picked out a pair of Sofie shorts and a sports bra. 

“I promise you, I’m not as interesting as you might think” Ashlyn said, blushing at Ali’s confession. She had no idea why a girl as crazy and wild would even be interested in what she was thinking. She pulled her bottom lip into her mouth and started to gnaw at the skin of her lip. Ali walked out of the room and re-entered less than a minute later, in the Sofie shorts and sports bra and sat back on her bed in the same position she was before. The music continued to play slowly and softly in the background. 

Ashlyn turned back at the book shelf “Which one is your favorite?” She asked, breaking the silence. She looked up at Ali and saw the one sided smile that made Ashlyn’s stomach flip slowly cross her face. 

“I have a lot” Ali said as she furrowed her eyebrows. “All of Jane Austen’s works are my favorite, I just really feel like I can connect with her female characters, and I get that a lot of people go on feminists rants about her, but I still love her” Ali said as she lifted her face to meet Ashlyn’s who was had her own smile spreading across her face. 

“She’s my favorite too, you know I read Persuasion today.” Ashlyn said and Ali smiled. 

“I knew I liked you.” Ali said with a teasing tone, sticking her tongue between her teeth and smiling hard. 

“I knew you liked me too” Ashlyn said with a wink. But the second she did that her stomach flipped, and as quickly as the gust of confidence came, it left and on cue, she was picking at her pinky finger again. 

“I think it’s just your mysterious demeanor, I want to see whats inside that quiet head of yours” Ali said, completely unfazed Ashlyn. Ashlyn almost felt disappointed for a second and when she looked up she saw Ali wink and pat at her bed at the space next to her. “You can sit next to me, you know. I don’t bite” Ali said.

“Maybe I’d only be interested if you did” Ashlyn said, feeling the strange burst of confidence enter her again. She stood and crossed the room over to Ali’s bed and sat down next to her, on the other side of the bed, and started picking at the corner of her thumb. She tried not to giggle when she saw Ali’s eyebrows raise almost into her hair-line and exhale. Her heart was pounding like it did all night and she didn’t know what to do next. 

“I had no idea that you could dance like that, you probably had everyone at that party begging for your attention.” Ali said looking over at Ashlyn, when she looked down at Ashlyn’s hands she placed her hand over them, and Ashlyn stopped picking at her thumb. When she stopped Ali moved her hands away from hers. Between coming down from the tequila and her sudden embarrassment, Ashlyn’s face flashed red, from the tip of her ears down to her chin. Which made Ali giggle.

“I don’t dance much. I was just following your lead” Ashlyn said, her heart beating out of her chest, not really sure what to say or do. She felt like so far, though it had only been a week, all she was doing with Ali was trying to follow her lead. She saw Ali yawn and lay her legs out across the bed, shifting into a laying position and resting her hands on her arms, facing Ashlyn and still looking up at her. Ali smiled up at Ashlyn. 

“Where’s home for you?” Ali asked settling her head into the crook of her elbow. 

“I’m from Florida, I’ve never really left there, except for now. I wanted to get away from home for a little while. I’m just trying to figure out where I am and who I am.” Ashlyn said. Amazed that she had said that out-loud to Ali who smiled.

“My mom is from Miami, I sometimes go to visit her there, but I’m from Virginia.” Ali said her eyes getting heavy. 

“Why are you all the way in Texas, then?” Ashlyn asked as Ali curled herself into a ball and was falling asleep. 

“You aren’t the only one that’s trying to figure out who they are.” Ali said, already half asleep. Ashlyn nodded and looked at the girl in front of her. She stretched her legs out in front of her so they were parallel with Ali’s sleeping body. She swung one leg off of the bed and got ready to go, but Ali put Ashlyn’s leg. “Can you read me your favorite quote from Persuasion before you go?” Ali asked, her eyes still closed. Ashlyn was astounded, because for some reason, this request seemed really intimate. But she picked up Ali’s copy and walked over to the bed and sat back down. She felt through the pages of the book looking for her favorite. She smiled when her eyes crossed the quote, and saw that it was highlighted in Ali’s copy. 

“You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope...I have loved none but you.” Ashlyn read aloud to Ali. Ali had a small sleepy smile on her face. 

“Thanks” she whispered to Ashlyn as she was falling asleep. Ashlyn looked at the girl in front of her, and couldn’t help but think again, that Ali was a mess. But not in a disrespectful or condescending way. Just that she was so wild and colorful. Ali was right. They had a weird connection and Ashlyn felt it too. 

She stepped off of Ali’s bed and wandered down the hall back to her room. All the lights were still on from how they had left it earlier, and realized that her suite-mates probably had made other arrangements for the night. She flipped off all the lights and took off her party clothes, and settled into a pair of loose basket ball shorts and a sports bra. She popped two aspirin and drank two glasses of water before she laid down in bed, she already felt a headache coming and hoped to avoid a horrid hangover tomorrow. 

She laid on her back, and even though it was dark, she stared at the ceiling. Picturing the different cracks and the different grooves the ceiling made. She put her thumb in her mouth and pulled at the loose skin, and tried to ease the knot in her stomach at least a little. But when she did that, she thought of Ali, and when she thought of how Ali made her feel, she remembered why she hated feeling that way, and the knot grew more tangled. She looked over to her desk and saw a series of pictures in her frames. She clicked on the desk lamp and looked at the frames. She looked at the picture of her and her brother when she was five, and they were both holding up fish that they had just caught, with huge toothy grins on her face. Her eyes moved to the next frame, a picture of her and her grandma, taken when she was 15. And then her eyes moved to the last frame. A picture of her and one other girl. They appeared to be the same height in the picture, and the girl had full dark blonde hair. Their faces were pressed close together in the picture and they both were smiling so widely, dimples were on their cheeks and chin. Ashlyn looked at this picture and shoved out every thought of Ali that she had in her mind. She looked away from the picture, and now every thought of butterflies, or even a knot and her stomach had completely transformed into dread and guilt. 

The wheels in her head turned and turned and she tried to fall asleep and she tried to not run over every moment of the evening with Ali dancing in front of her, Ali holding her hand, her reading her favorite line to Ali. And she tried to shut out the image of her and the girl in the picture. But her brain was on overdrive, and when Ashlyn finally went to sleep she didn’t feel like she would be able to rest at all. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

She woke up the next day thinking she woke up before the sun again. She rolled over in bed and put her face into the pillow, racking her mind for everything that happened yesterday, and smiled into her pillow, before realizing that she had a pounding headache. She turned onto her side and looked at her clock, and she realized it was almost noon, she sat up almost immediately out of shock because she never sleeps in past 9 am. She looked over at her open blinds and realized her mistake, it was pouring down rain outside, and the sky was as dark as the dusk. She pulled her hair out of the pony tail she had slept in and fluffed it out to see if it would help her headache, but this decision was soon met with regret. She still reeked of sweat, and tequila, and of course the unforgettable smell of a frat house. She stood up and looked in her mirror, her eyes were crusty and red rimmed and at a half squint, and she had the remnants of black eye make up settling on the bags under her eyes and on her cheekbones. She looked like a walking hangover. 

She passed her common room on her way to the bathroom and saw that all of her roommates doors were shut, and she realized that they were probably still sleeping. She saw someone had thought to clean up the used glasses and tequila bottle, so someone came home sober enough. She took a shower and felt relief as the hot water poured over her head, soothing the headache. She made extra care to wash her face and try to remove the makeover her roommates had put on her the night before. She walked back to her room and put on a pair of loose fitting sweat pants and a tank top over a sports bra, and brushed her hair out, leaving it down. She rustled through her desk and found aspirin and put two in her hand. She popped the two and then decided to add a third one for good measure. 

She wasn’t ever a big fan of drinking, and even less of a fan of getting drunk, mostly because she was susceptible to hangovers and she always felt like she was in a weird daze for about a day afterwards. She sat criss cross on her bed and placed her head in her hands and played with her hair, running over again the events of last night. Every time she closed her eyes she thought of Ali’s body on hers, and Ali’s hands holding her hands, and her hands on Ali’s hips, and Ali’s laughter. The more she thought of this the more her stomach started to knot and the more her heart started to hurt. She glanced over at the photographs in the frames on her desk, which made her heart hurt even more. She reached over and placed the frames face down and picked up her phone and dialed her favorite number and listened to the call tone. She had reached the last ring and was about to hang up when Chris answered.

“Two calls in one week, huh?” Chris said in a sleepy voice.

“Don’t tell me you’re just waking up?” Ashlyn said scoffing at her brother.

“I mean, whats it to you? If it makes you feel any better, I feel like shit. I drank way too much last night” Chris said with a whine in his voice. Which made Ashlyn laugh again. 

“You and me both, big brother. I always think I like tequila, until the day after” Ashlyn said laughing and shaking her head. She laid back on her bed and started playing with her wet hair again.

“Ahh, so that’s why you called? Some sort of post frat party guilt I see?” as he said this Ashlyn had already begun rolling her eyes. 

“No guilt, I was a good girl. Mostly. Yes. I was good. I try not to follow after you too much.” Ashlyn said, trying to figure out how much she wanted to confess to Chris.

“I mean, if you take after me at all, I bet you are feeling like complete shit today. What do you mean, you were mostly a good girl?” Ashlyn grimaced at her brother through the phone, and started picking at the scab on her thumb, and was silent for a second before she answered her brother.

“I just danced with somebody.” She said, still racking her brain remembering last night. Because suddenly all the memories became fuzzy, and she was trying to make sure she wasn’t making the whole thing up, and even her thinking that the night before wasn’t true made her stomach hurt. Chris responded by making a wolf whistle into the phone. 

“With just somebody? A cute somebody? Did you make your brother proud and have your first hook up at your new school?” Chris asked, making Ashlyn dread how she was going to answer and making her pick even harder at her thumb. 

“Yeah, I guess they’re cute...”Ashlyn said, almost regretting calling her brother now. She stared out the window and watched the rain pour and the water drip down the window. The larger drops absorbing the smaller drops, and the sky looked just as dreary as her head felt. Muggy and dark.

“Do I get a name?” Chris asked. He knew that he couldn’t push Ashlyn too much. She didn’t always reach out and call him. 

“Ali...” Ashlyn mumbled into the phone, and suddenly she was more nervous than she had been the night before. She ran her fingers through her drying hair and and played with the loose ends. 

“Want to tell me about her?” Chris asked, his voice was softer this time.

“Well... I don’t know too much. She plays on the club team with me, and she’s really good from what I can see. She’s in my German class with me and she’s asked me for a few notes and to help her out if I can, we went on a run together yesterday morning and then we went to the party together and she danced on me last night, and we went back to her room...” Ashlyn trailed off, feeling foolish.

“You did hook up!” Chris said, almost excitedly.

“No. We didn’t. But we went back and we were still pretty drunk and we just talked for a while about books and our families and everything. I don’t know. It was nice. This probably sounds so dumb because I barely know her.” Ashlyn admitted, her stomach unknotting a little bit and the butterflies finally disappearing. 

“It’s not dumb, Ash. It’s exciting. A new girl, and a new place. That’ll be good for you. You know that right?” Chris sounded incredibly sincere over the phone and it made Ashlyn’s heart ache and suddenly she just wished that they were together at home, playing video games together, or anything like that. 

“I don’t know if I’m ready. I just don’t know if I can handle it. When I’m around her it feels right, but I just. I don’t know.” Ashlyn said, her stomach churning less, but none the less she continued to pick at her thumb. 

“Just give her a chance, if she’s interested, you’ll know. Not everything in life is going to cause you hurt. Except for tequila, that almost always causes you hurt.” She could almost feel the wink that he was giving her through the phone. And she knew that he was right.

“Thanks Chris.” Ashlyn said, and though she felt like her brother was the only person who she could talk that much with, or be that honest with, she felt emotionally drained. The anxiety was driving her crazy. 

“Okay Ash, I have to go get ready for work and be there in about an hour. But let me know how it goes with this girl, okay?” Chris said.

“I will. Thanks bro” Ashlyn said and clicking to end the conversation her phone. Her stomach wasn’t gnawing at her as much and the pounding in her head was starting to ease, just a little. She was still laying back on her bed and looked at the gray, drab concrete on her ceiling, and saw how much it fit the sky outside. She closed her eyes and a smile came across her face as she was picturing reading from Persausion to Ali last night. Right as she was in the midst of remembering, she heard a knock at her door.


	6. Chapter 6

Ashlyn scuttled to the common room door and looked through the peep hole to see the back of a dark haired head. Her lips tried to hide a small smile and she opened up the door. As she opened it, Ali turned around with a bag in her hands.

“Okay, so I was going to come over here and ask if you wanted to go practice soccer for a little while and then I saw that it was raining outside, and I don’t know about you but mud isn’t my favorite thing to wash out of my hair so instead I brought over my German homework, and as a reward for you for helping me, some board games and movies?” Ali looked up with a devious smile on her face, her still damp hair hanging past her shoulders and clinging to her cheeks. Her eyes were bright, but still red around the edges. 

“I just have one question, how are you this perky after all that tequila last night?” Ashlyn said opening the door wider so Ali could come in and closing the door behind her, she was astounded as she saw Ali flounce over to Ashlyn’s open bedroom door. Ashlyn just shook her head and followed Ali into her bedroom. Ali was sitting at Ashlyn’s desk and started to pull out her German text book. Ashlyn sat on the corner of her bed closest to her desk and watched Ali as she started doing her homework.

“I took aspirin after you left so I’m not that hung over” Ali explained “and then I woke up and it was gross outside and I was bored, and well, I had a good time hanging out with you last night so I wanted to see what you were up to today.” she shrugged as she started writing the words for numbers in german on a sheet of paper. She looked up at Ashlyn through the corner of her eye and caught the blush that Ashlyn was trying to hide, and grinned with her tongue between her teeth. She got through the first few questions of the German homework before she sighed and looked up at Ashlyn. “Can you help me now? I’m useless with languages.” All of this was review to Ashlyn, and she had already done the homework, so she helped and in less than half an hour Ali had finished her homework. Ali shut the textbook and pulled her legs into her lap and brushed her drying hair off of her face. 

“So, I didn’t even ask, how were you feeling today?” Ali asked as she turned the chair around facing Ashlyn on the bed. 

“I mean, I’m okay. I always hate how I feel after drinking.” Ashlyn shrugged. Ali was still staring at her, and the way that she was almost intent to make eye contact with Ashlyn made her nervous again, and she looked down and started picking at her thumbnail again. When she started doing that Ali put her hand over Ashlyn’s as if to stop it, just like she had done the night before. And just like last night it gave Ashlyn chills. Ali pulled her hand away and pulled her bag up into her lap.

“Okay, so I have movies and board games. Which one? Or both?” Ali said as she started pulling things out of the tote bag that she brought with her, and placing them in front of Ashlyn on the bed. Ashlyn picked up a deck of cards that Ali had put on the bed and started shuffling them so she would have something to do with her hands, while she looked through the movie titles that Ali had.   
“Comedy or drama?” Ashlyn asked as she was scanning over a few of the movies, still shuffling the cards. 

“Lets start off with drama” Ali said as she picked up a few of the DVD’s. She selected one at random and walked over to the tv that was placed in the corner of Ashlyn’s room and put in a movie and had the volume at a moderate level, where you could still have a conversation over it. She gestured towards Ashlyn’s bed and waited for Ashlyn to nod before sitting down next to her on the bed. 

“Do you know how to play gin?” Ashlyn asked while she continued to shuffle. She looked up and Ali was smiling again and nodded. And Ashlyn pulled her legs into her lap indian style and dealt the cards. They played the game for the entirety of the movie, Ashlyn didn’t pay much attention to it, they played about six rounds of gin during the time and Ashlyn won five of them. Every time she would win Ali would pout and grab the cards and shuffle them, insisting that it was just luck. Whenever she would do this it made Ashlyn hide a smile or a laugh. Sometimes during the movie Ali would “shh” Ashlyn, even if she wasn’t speaking, and would look up at the screen during her favorite parts, and when the scene was over she would look back at the cards and start playing again without skipping a beat. 

“You’re really good at making yourself at home” Ashlyn teased, when the credits for the movie started to roll and Ali stood up and put in another movie, before plopping back down next to Ashlyn. Ali shrugged, and instead of picking up the deck to shuffle and play another round, she put the cards back in their container and scooted next to Ashlyn. When the title menu came up and Ali pressed play Ashlyn laughed.

“The lion king?” She asked as she raised an eyebrow at Ali.

“Hey! I love this movie! It’s beautiful!” She said raising an eyebrow back at Ashlyn and laughing. 

“I knew that you were secretly 8 years old.” Ashlyn said, teasing her again. 

“I would say the same for you, but you weren’t dancing like you were 8 years old last night.” Ali said. As she said this, Ashlyn looked away from Ali and blushed again. “Don’t be embarrassed, it was totally hot.” Ali nudged Ashlyn and grinned. 

“Like I said, I was just following your lead, and you defiantly were good...” Ashlyn said almost feeling nervous. She didn’t really know how to respond to her and tried to focus on the movie. 

“Somehow you get even cuter when you’re embarrassed” Ali said, watching Ashlyn’s face, which at this point came out to a full on blush. She looked down and picked at her fingernail again and refused to look up at Ali, even when she grabbed her hand and stopped her from picking at her scabbed hands. 

“Why do you do that?” Ali asked as she picked up one of Ashlyn’s hands and held it in her own. Ashlyn didn’t answer but shook her head just once and put on her stoic expression again, and she didn’t know how crazy this drove Ali, in so many different ways. Ali didn’t let go of Ashlyn’s hand, and they spent the rest of the movie like that. With Ali’s hand on Ashlyn’s, neither of them eager to move out of that position. Ali appeared to know the movie well, she didn’t spend a lot of time watching it, and instead was watching for Ashlyn’s reactions. Often looking over at her with a big grin on her face waiting for Ashlyn to react. Whenever Ashlyn would sense this she would try and hold a blank face, in which Ali would react in a pout, which would make Ashlyn laugh. This cycle continued for the whole movie. When the movie ended neither of them got up immediately to turn it off, or neither of them moved. They both sat there, holding hands just sitting in the silence listening to the rain pour down. It wasn’t a heavy silence or even a dark silence. It was light, and almost whimsical, a comfortable silence that neither of them felt the need to fill. Ashlyn was okay with it being quiet, and she was okay sitting there, soaking in Ali. Ali stood up and put in a third movie, neither of them caring what the title was, and she went back and sat next to Ashlyn, this time, putting her head on Ashlyn’s shoulder, and her hand back on hers. The volume was on low and the two could hear the rain over it. Neither of them checked their phones, or their computers or focused on anything else during this time. They just sat there for another few hours resting on each other. 

Kelley trotted into the room as soon as the next movie was over, and flipped on the lights into the slowly darkening room. 

“Hey guys!” she said with a smile on her face, while Ali and Ashlyn sat up further in the bed, separating from one another just a little bit, but Ali’s hand was still on Ashlyn’s, where it had been throughout the movie, slowly tracing over her knuckles and the scabs around her fingernails. “Please say you want to come to dinner with Alex, Tobin and I? We are starving, and are just now not hung over and okay to drive?” Kelley asked, her eyes looking over at Ali and Ashlyn. 

“Yes please! I am so hungry! Ashlyn’s held me hostage here all day and hasn’t fed me!” Ali said with a wink towards Ashlyn, which made her stomach flip. Ashlyn, for the first time realizing how hungry she was, agreed, and she went and put on proper clothes for the first time that day. She changed in her room while Ali was still sitting on her bed, and exchanged her tank top for a real shirt and slipped on a pair of skinny jeans. She tried not to feel Ali’s eyes on her while she changed, but she was painfully aware of it, and this gave her goosebumps all over her body again. When she was dressed and had put on shoes, Ali jumped up from the bed and slid on her shoes. She walked over to Ashlyn and grabbed one of her hands and they stood there while Ali looked into Ashlyn’s eyes again. 

“I can’t get a read on you” Ali murmured. Still looking into Ashlyn’s eyes. Ashlyn didn’t know why everything the pair did together felt so intimate, and she didn’t know if she disliked it or not. She couldn’t look away from Ali’s glance, and she couldn’t move her hand from Ali’s. She was frozen there, and her brain was frozen. She wasn’t swimming in anxiety and though she had goosebumps and her stomach was turning, she was calm. Ali perked up on her tip toes for a second and placed a light peck on Ashlyn’s cheek, before dragging Ashlyn out of the door and into the common room. Where it looked like Alex, Kelley and Tobin had just woken up. 

“Hey ladies” Ali giggled, while she looked at the group, who all had dark circles under their eyes and wore their hair in loose buns. They mostly responded with groans and eye rolls while Kelley grabbed her keys and the group headed to her car. It was packed with all five of them packed in, it was Kelley and Alex in the front, with Tobin, Ali and Ashlyn in the back. Ashlyn in the middle. Ali’s hand rested gently on Ashlyn’s knee the whole time while they rode to some chinese restaurant that the group had agreed on. 

Ashlyn didn’t know what to do about this close contact with Ali. On one hand, it made her stomach flip and it made her nervous and anxious and filled her with dread. But on the other hand, it made her feel warm, a warm that counteracted the goose bumps. A sort of warm that you felt after you drank a full mug of tea in one sitting, or lying under the comforter when it is raining outside. It made her feel comfortable. But the sense of comfort is what scared her and made her nervous and filled her to her ears with dread. The girls ate dinner together while Alex, Tobin and Kelley all talked about their adventures once they lost Ali and Ashlyn to the crowd. Much to Ashlyn’s surprise, they had wandered in the room at about six am, which explained why most of them slept most of the day. The girls filled the small restaurant with laughter and antidotes of the night before and everyone in the group was enjoying everyone’s company. 

It was night time by the time they arrived back on campus, when they got back to the suite, Ali went back into Ashlyn’s room and got the games that she had brought with her earlier, and the group sat around the table all while continuing to pass on conversation. Ashlyn learned quite a bit about Ali during this conversation, little details that she hadn’t known before. She learned that Ali had a brother named Kyle that she was really close to, and when Ali talked about him her eyes were sad. Her relationship with Kyle reminded Ashlyn of her relationship with Chris, and this was something that made her smile on the inside. She learned that Ali was also close with her family and grew up in Virginia. Ashlyn sat and listened to these details and soaked them up, just wanting to get to know Ali better. 

There was something that was for certain, Ashlyn didn’t know why but she and Ali were somehow connected, and she didn’t know how to stop it even if she wanted to. Just being around her made her not as anxious, even if she was nervous, it was a different sort of dread. She liked Tobin, Kelley and Alex, but they already had a formation of a friendship and Ashlyn was just butting in on that. The friendship that she formed with Ali was new, and something that was just theirs. It was a new wave crashing onto the shore that was Ashlyn’s life, rejuvenating the sand that was her anxiety. The whole night, the two of them stayed close to each other and Ali would do things that would make Ashlyn jump so slightly, like placing her hand on her knee, or grabbing her hand and holding it for a second, or leaning her head on her shoulder when she was done telling a long story. Being near her was something Ashly could get used to, and whenever Ali moved, it felt like it was too soon. 

It had gotten late into the night and Ashlyn was starting to get tired, so the group decided to disband for the evening, all going into their separate rooms in the suite. Ali followed Ashlyn back into her room and packed up her belongings from the day. When she finished she sat on the edge of Ashlyn’s bed and picked on a frayed string on her teeshirt. The two sat in the same comfortable silence that they shared earlier, and neither of them felt the need to change that. Ashlyn sat adjacent to Ali with her legs stretched out, watching Ali out of the corner of her eye. 

“Have you got a read on me yet?” Ashlyn said, legitimately curious as to what Ali was thinking. Ali looked up and crinkled her nose and smiled at Ashlyn, and furrowed her brow before responding.

“I don’t know. But I’m not going to stop, I have a feeling about you, Harris.” She said smiling out of the corner of her mouth, teasing Ali again. She reached over and put her hand on Ashlyn’s calf and let it linger there for a second, still having a sly smile on her face. 

“Are you going to tell me what kind of feeling you have?” Ashlyn said, watching Ali’s face carefully, trying to read the expression that she could give off. But Ali noticed that Ashlyn was good at reading people, and wasn’t going to let her win this game. 

“When you break that scary shell around you, then I’ll tell you” Ali said, earnestly. She didn’t have an air of sarcasm around her this time, which surprised Ashlyn. But soothed her at the same time. The feeling of self soothing then lead to the same anxiety and dread that it always left. She couldn’t open herself up to someone in that way again, and she wished she could tell Ali that without hurting her, but at the same time she didn’t want Ali to stop trying. She was conflicted on the inside and it hurt, but being around Ali dulled it even for a second, and she was okay with that. 

“I’m going to go” Ali said, standing up. She dragged her hand up Ashlyn’s leg and up to her hand where she intertwined her fingers with hers. This sensation made Ashlyn’s body react in ways that she was not expecting, and suddenly she felt like she couldn’t stand still any longer, and like she was going to explode out of her skin. Her face was on fire, but Ali was only looking at her eyes, and she didn’t even notice the flare up on Ashlyn’s skin. She smiled and leaned down and brought her face level with Ashlyn’s, before smiling and placing her lips directly in front of Ashlyn’s. Ashlyn was sure she could feel her shaky break and was sure that Ali could hear her heart pounding out of her chest. Ali grinned again and placed one hand on the side of Ashlyn’s face and kissed the other cheek. 

“One day, I’ll break through that shell” Ali said, with a small smile, as she picked up the bag and walked out of the room, shutting the door behind her. Ashlyn wanted her to break through the shell, she could feel it down to her core and in her bones. But the little voice in the back of her mind, telling her not to trust Ali was still there. She tried not to listen to it as she listened to the rain that night and even more when she tried to sleep. Her stomach turned and her brain ached from over thinking. But a different voice, in the back of her mind confirmed something. Ali liked her back. And this made her stomach turn even more.  


	7. Chapter 7

It didn’t take very long for Ashlyn to create a new rhythm and a new normal, once she started her job at the bookstore and fully got into the swing of classes and practices her days were less anxiety ridden and she was starting to feel a little more confident about herself. She was starting to really enjoy school, she liked all of the communication classes that she was in, and they challenged her enough to keep her interested, but not enough to make her dislike the course. The club team was going extremely well, and though no one on the team would make the national team any time soon, they all had fun kicking the ball around and releasing some stress every now and then. The girls noticed that Ashlyn had some goalie like tendencies, and with the help from her roommates as well as all the girls on the team she would typically play as the goal keeper for the team. Alex, Tobin and Kelley helped train her and were always willing to go and kick the ball around with her for a little while to help her improve. 

And of course there was Ali. Through the first month of school Ali and Ashlyn almost became connected at the hip. It was something that was just natural for them to do, and without even realizing it the two had become very close and were spending almost every day together. Between their morning runs, their German class, which was slowly becoming Ashlyn’s favorite class, to the club team, and the night hang outs, homework sessions and movie nights, the two pretty much spent most of their waking time together. Weirdly Ashlyn was okay with this. She was never used to getting close to girls, especially not this fast and this close. She knew that she was starting to have romantic feelings for Ali, which is one of the few aspects of her life that gave her the most anxiety. Even though the two were becoming closer and closer, both physically and emotionally. Ashlyn still had a hard time opening up to Ali. But Ali was patient with her. She never asked too many questions, and would often back off when she sensed Ashlyn was getting anxious. The pair were becoming increasingly good at reading one another and testing one another out. 

It was the last week of September, and school had been in session for a little over a month. Ashlyn had just gotten off of work from the bookstore, which was a job that she enjoyed a lot. It was never really busy, she often had a lot of time to read for herself or hang out with the other employees that worked there. Ali would often come and visit in between classes, which Ashlyn would never admit how much she enjoyed these visits from Ali. She walked to the cafeteria and met Ali at their usual table and they were soon joined by Alex and Kelley. The group of girls spent dinner lamenting about midterms that were coming the week after next and the bad cafeteria food when the subject of fall break came up. The first week of October the school gave the students Monday-Wednesday off of classes, and a lot of students took this opportunity to go home for a long weekend, or take a mini vacation together. It was a little break in the middle of the semester before students really got stressed out about midterms. 

“Yeah, I still don’t know what I’m going to do yet. I don’t really know if I want to go back home and just hang out with my brother and dad. I haven’t decided yet.” Ali said while she picked at a stray piece of spaghetti on her plate slowly slicing the one noodle into about 15 pieces with her fork. 

“If you want, you can come home with me?” Alex said. “Kelley and Tobin are coming with me, but I’m sure my parents would be okay with another person?” Alex said politely to Ali, who nodded and took the suggestion.

“Thanks Alex! I’ll think about it.” Ali said

“I think I’m going to go home, it’ll be good to see my brother.” Ashlyn said as she traced a drop of water around her empty glass. The group nodded and all continued the discussion about how a break would be good for them. They walked back to Alex and Ashlyn’s suite together where Ashlyn and Ali went into Ashlyn’s room to do their German homework. They took their usual seats in Ashlyn’s room, Ali at her desk and Ashlyn laid out on her stomach on the bed with her book in front of her. The two did their German homework in a comfortable silence, while Ali played music on Ashlyn’s iPod speakers on a low volume. Occasionally Ali would ask Ashlyn a question about the vocabulary or the proper conjugation of a verb. As usual Ashlyn finished the homework way before Ali, and stayed in the same position doodling in the margins of her notebook. She didn’t notice Ali get up from the desk and move over to the bed. 

“Scoot over” Ali said, as she nudged Ashlyn’s side with her knee, trying to move next to Ashlyn on the bed. Ashlyn looked up at Ali and gave her a devious smile and stayed in the same spot. Ali snorted in response and instead swung a leg over Ashlyn and sat on her back, straddling her. This was enough to set Ashlyn over the edge. Her and Ali had gotten pretty touchy feel-y the past few weeks, Ali would often old Ashlyn’s hand when the two were together or lean on her or have her hand on her leg, but this is the first time Ali had done anything this extreme. Ashlyn turned a harsh shade of crimson, in which Ali responded with letting out a snarky giggle while she slid off of Ashlyn and moved next to her on the bed, lying on her side next to Ashlyn who was still on her stomach. She propped her head on her hand and picked at a lock of Ashlyn’s hair and curled it around her finger lazily in silence for a moment. 

“Do you think I should go home?” Ali said, breaking the silence looking at Ashlyn who was writing her name in a fancy font in the margins of her notebook. Ashlyn shrugged before responding. 

“You do want to see your brother, and I’m sure you’re getting sick of me after all this time” Ashlyn said sliding her eyes over to Ali, while smiling out of the corner of her mouth. 

“Yeah I know, I just don’t know if it’s worth it. And you may miss me too much. When was the last time you went more than 24 hours without seeing this face?” Ali said while batting her eyelashes at Ashlyn, who turned to Ali and rolled her eyes in an over-exaggerated manner. 

“I doubt it. What are you going to do for almost a week without having me to annoy? You’re going to have to find a new victim.” Ashlyn giggled as she said this and Ali poked her in the side and tugged at the lock of Ashlyn’s hair that she was still holding.   
“Virginia is sooo BORING.” Ali said in almost a whine that made Ashlyn laugh. She knew what Ali was digging for, but she hadn’t decided how much longer she was going to make her wait. 

“Think of all the fun you’ll have, doing... Wait, what can you do in Virginia?” Ashlyn said.

“That’s my point, nothing! And all of my friends from home, all two of them are at their schools across the country. Maybe I’ll just stay here and rot in my own boredom.” The way she could instantly become an over-exaggerated 8 year old was a quality that Ashlyn loved.

“Or, I mean. You could come to Florida with me. I guess.” Ashlyn said with fake enthusiasm and a shrug. Ali sat there for a second not responding, before Ashlyn looked up at her with a big grin on her face, indicating to Ali that she was serious with her invitation. 

“Get that shit eating grin off your face!” Ali said, laughing and poking Ashlyn in the side again, which made Ashlyn giggle again. “But I suppose you would be a little more interesting that home, and here.” Ali said with a fake shrug. “Wait, don’t you need to ask your parents if it’s okay if I come home with you?” 

“I already asked, they said it would be their pleasure to have Alexandra Krieger the great in their house.” Ashlyn said, which made Ali roll her eyes again.

“Oh because you’re so sure that I would say yes.” Ali said fake offended again. Which made Ashlyn skin raise in goose-bumps. Ali smiled down at Ashlyn again. “Thank you though, I would love to spend fall break with you.” The way Ali went from 0 to 90 and then back to 0 was one of the things that Ashlyn admired about her, how quick she went from a whiny 8 year old to making Ashlyn’s stomach flip and turn was a form of excitement that Ashlyn still wasn’t used to. And anyway, Ali had one thing right. Ashlyn would’ve missed her over break. More than she would know. 

“Can you two stop flirting and come play soccer with us?” Kelley whined from the hallway, and the pair could hear the sound of a soccer ball bouncing on the ground, and then a bang as it hit the cabinets. 

“Kelley, stop! I’ll go with you too!” They heard Tobin exclaim from outside the door, and they heard Alex, Tobin and Kelley all start laughing. 

“Just a minute!” Ali called out to Kelley before sliding on top of Ashlyn again, straddling her back for a second. Ashlyn was red for so many different reasons, between Kelley saying they were flirting and Ali’s hands being on her right now, she was tongue tied. Ali laughed, seeing Ashlyn blush and reached down and kissed her cheek before sliding off her back and helping herself to Ashlyn’s closet, reaching in and pulling out a pair of shorts and a teeshirt. The two had become accustomed to sharing clothes once they realized they were around the same size and were spending all their time together, and around the same time, all sense of modesty was lost. Every time, Ashlyn had a hard time not staring at Ali as she slid off her jeans and slid a pair of shorts over her tan thighs. Most of the time if Ali caught her staring she would start laughing and joke around with Ashlyn, trying to avoid this embarrassment. Ashlyn turned onto her side facing away from the dressing Ali. She felt a sharp whack on her back and realized that Ali had hit her with a teeshirt, indicating that she was done getting dressed, Ashlyn quickly dressed in something similar to Ali and the pair went into the common room where Ashlyn’s suite- mates were all waiting. Ali walked over and messed up Kelley’s bun with a devious smile before opening up the door and jogging down the hallway. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

That night Ashlyn was in bed going through her nightly routine where she would play over every moment in the day where she was with Ali, and start to dread it. She put her finger in her mouth and started to chew on her thumbnail. Her stomach and head had a nightly pattern of becoming scrambled and nervous at the idea of Ali, but at the same time Ashlyn didn’t want to stop spending time with her. It was a constant tug of war between her desire and her self preservation mode, which would make her feel even worse. She brushed her fingers over her cheek and smiled to herself at the idea of Ali so frequently kissing her cheek, and how whenever this happened she felt feather light and like she could float on a cloud. She thought about Ali straddling her earlier today and her whole body felt warm. She liked Ali, a lot. But she was also afraid of what Ali could do to her. 

She was sick of this constant battle of her head, and how she would stay up every night thinking about it. She talked to Chris about it, and Chris would frequently give her the same advice without seeming too pushy. She needed to talk to Ali, and tell Ali how she felt and why she had all of these walls built up. But she wasn’t ready for that yet, she wasn’t ready to let anyone in, which made her despise herself. She knew out of anyone, Ali deserved to be let in, to see all of Ashlyn, but Ashlyn didn’t even want to see that part of herself yet. She needed to get out of her head for a second, so she sat up in her bed and reached over the side and grabbed her laptop. 

Hey Mom and Dad,

I’m really excited to come home for fall break. School has been going great so far, but it’ll be nice to have a short vacation and to come home and see you guys and Chris, even for a little while. I talked to my friend and she said that she wanted to come home with me! Thanks again for your frequent flyer miles! Tomorrow her and I will book our flight and I’ll give you all of that information once it happens. You guys will really like Ali, and she is already excited to meet you guys! I’m excited to see you guys again, it’ll be great! Thank you again, and I’ll see you soon. 

I love you both!

Ashlyn  
She pressed send stared at the blank screen. She set her alarm early enough for her run with Ali in the morning and was trying to hide her face under her blankets to coax herself to sleep. She wanted Ali to come home with her, and more than anything she wanted her to meet Chris. But now that she was thinking about having Ali in her home, with all of her memories around her, it was going to be harder to keep her shell around her, and she was starting to dread it. It was Chris’ idea to invite her home for fall break, and she was tip toeing between this being a fun and great idea, and it being a horrible horrible idea. 

The next day Ali and Ashlyn went through their normal routine, going on their morning run, breakfast, German class, work for Ashlyn and then soccer practice. After practice Ashlyn and Ali wandered back to Ashlyn’s room exhausted from the practice in the heat. Ali laid down on Ashlyn’s bed when they got back and Ashlyn grinned and threw a stuffed animal at her.

“Why do you have to lay down in my bed when you’re all sweaty after practice” Ashlyn said, throwing another stuffed animal that Ali dodged and swatted away. 

“Don’t act like you don’t like the idea of me in your bed” Ali said with a wink as she sat up and made room for Ashlyn to sit next to her. Ashlyn picked up her computer and pulled up an airline website. Ali intertwined her legs with Ashlyn’s and laid her head on Ashlyn’s shoulder. Ashlyn was having trouble breathing normally with Ali being this close to her and trying to concentrate on booking their flight to Florida. In that moment she was very aware that she needed a shower, and probably smelled from practice and how close Ali was to her. But she was also aware that Ali didn’t seem to mind, she was always this close to Ashlyn, no matter what. Once they had booked the flight Ashlyn texted her brother the flight details.

“Are you sure you’re okay with me coming home with you? Are your parents okay with it?” Ali said, still laying on Ashlyn, but directing her eyes up towards her. Ashlyn started gnawing on her bottom lip, picking the skin off of it and her brain was mixed with answers, some that she wanted to give to Ali, some that she couldn’t give to Ali and some that she had to give to Ali.

“I really want you to come home with me.” Ashlyn said, when she stopped chewing on her lip, looking down at Ali and making eye contact with her. It was true, she wanted her to come home with her, she was just nervous. 

“I just don’t want to rush you into anything” Ali said. And that statement hung thick in the air for a second. Both of the girls sat there for a second thinking about it, and the room had almost become awkward. But neither of the girls were willing to move, to make physical evidence of the awkwardness.

“I know” Ashlyn said, breaking the silence, but still chewing on her lip and not wanting to make eye contact with Ali. Ali grabbed Ashlyn’s hand and intertwined her fingers with hers again and started tracing over her knuckles, something that she did often. But this time she lifted up Ashlyn’s hand to her mouth and kissed her hand.

“I really care about you, and I know we have only known each other a little longer than a month, but I do. Like I said when we first met, I feel strangely connected to you and I know sometimes I can get intense, but you can tell me to back off. And if you don’t want to spend time with me then you don’t have to, I just know I’m a lot sometimes and that you may not want to open up to me and I may be forcing you to...” Ali had started rambling, still looking at Ashlyn’s hand that she had just kissed, and was holding it in both of her hands. Her eyes were darting back and fourth and she just kept holding Ashlyn’s hand and tracing over her hand. This was the most nervous and vulnerable that Ashlyn had ever seen her, and Ashlyn saw her in a new light. And she knew that whatever this codependent relationship with Ali was, she needed it, and it was helping her. 

“Ali, I care about you. And you’re one of my best friends. I don’t want you to think that I don’t want you around, because I do. I want you.” Ashlyn said, letting that last statement hang in the hair, at that confession Ali looked up, her eyes still looking a little bit worried. But Ashlyn tried to not look as nervous as she felt and tried to look strong. But she knew her lip bottom lip was shaking. Ali looked at her bottom lip and licked her lips. Which made Ashlyn’s hands start shaking. 

“You know how I said that I was going to break behind that shell? I still mean it. I bet you’re beautiful underneath.” Ali said, still holding both of Ashlyn’s hands and looking at her in the eyes. She felt her breathing slow a little and she was trying to talk herself out of being nervous. Ali picked up both of her hands and kissed each one and smiled at Ashlyn, before kissing her softly on the cheek. Ashlyn’s skin burned with the promise that Ali had left her. “I’m going to go, but I’ll see you tomorrow for our run.” Ali said as she picked up her things and left Ashlyn’s room. 

Ashlyn walked directly to the shower after Ali left and turned on the scalding water as high as it would go. She was feeling more anxious than she had felt in a while. She cared for Ali so much and so soon and this was causing a knot of dread in her stomach. She leaned against the wall and felt the water scorch her back. She felt welts rising on her back but she needed this sensation right now. She closed her eyes as the water poured over her, the drops falling over her eyelids and down her cheeks. When she closed her eyes she pictured her and Ali just in her room kissing her on her cheeks, but this time she pictured Ali kissing her on her lips, and even though she was standing under boiling water, shivers erupted all over her body. Then Ali’s face started morphing with someone else's in her mind, which made her shaking even worse. Her hands were shaking and she was trying to breathe to control it, but it was too hard. Her eyes were still closed and salt water tears were mixing in with the burning water from the spout. She jerked her eyes open and turned off the water.

She padded back into her room and got dressed for bed as soon as she could and turned off her lights and went under her blankets. Deep into the blankets, trying to make it as dark as she possibly could. The taste of blood was continuously in her mouth between her torn fingernails and nail beds and her bottom lip. She tried to stop her anxious tears from falling but she had no control over anything at this point. She heard her phone buzz and saw she had two text messages. One from her brother confirming the flight information and one from Ali. 

“I promise. You’re beautiful both inside and outside of the shell. I’m ready when you want to let me in.” Read the text message. Ashlyn put her phone down and put her thumb back in her mouth and closed her eyes so tightly she could see stars, her body yearned to be with Ali right now, wishing that that could make her feel better. But her brain needed to be alone. She tossed and turned in this limbo until she fell asleep, already sick to her stomach.


	8. Chapter 8

“Okay, wait how many days are we going to be gone again?” Ali asked as she sifted through her drawers. It was the day before the girls were going home to Ashlyn’s house and both had put off packing until one of the last possible minutes. They had both finished their long day of classes, work and practice and were finishing homework and packing. 

“We leave Friday and come back Wednesday afternoon. So I guess thats... Almost six days” Ashlyn said counting on her fingers. She was laying across Ali’s bed on her back throwing a stuffed zebra up in the air and catching it. She wasn’t paying much attention to what Ali was packing, she was zoning in and out of the conversation, to be perfectly honest. Her anxiety for the past few days have been horrible since the night that Ali had made a promise to break through Ashlyn’s shell. She didn’t even know what to call that night in her mind. And every since then, Ashlyn had been trying really hard not to follow her instincts and avoid Ali and push her away. Everything inside of Ashlyn was telling her to ignore Ali’s texts and to ignore her in class and stay withdrawn, but another part of Ashlyn almost yearned for Ali. It was so weird for her. She had never needed another person before, aside from her brother, and she hated it. 

“Okay, so I’m packing shorts and shirts and a few pairs of jeans. Do I need a swim suit?” Ali said as she ruffled her hands through her hair. Ashlyn looked over at Ali, who was still standing in front of her closet, her hip popped out and her fingers weaved in her hair. She was still wearing a pair of shorts from practice and a tank top and was chewing on her bottom lip, which Ashlyn had never seen her do before. Ashlyn was still tossing the zebra in the air, but couldn’t stop looking at Ali. 

“Yeah, it should be nice enough to go to the beach, and we have a neighborhood pool, it’ll probably be in the 70’s or 80’s.” Ashlyn said, as she tore her eyes away from Ali and started chewing on her own bottom lip. She hadn’t even begin to think about the fact that Ali would see her in a swim suit. Or worse, that she would see Ali in a swim suit. The more she thought of this trip the more she was starting to dread it. She was still throwing the stuffed animal in the air when something was flung in that direction and intercepted Ashlyn catching it. She turned her head just in time to see Ali slingshot another bikini top at Ashlyn and start giggling. Ashlyn rolled her eyes at Ali, and picked up the two bikini tops that had been thrown at her and tossed them into Ali’s open suitcase which was starting to overflow. 

“You really don’t have to bring that many sets of clothes, we aren’t going to be doing anything too exciting” Ashlyn said as she looked into the suitcase. Ali shrugged and plopped the suitcase down on the bed next to Ashlyn’s feet. Ashlyn scooted over so Ali could sit next to her on the bed and zip up the suitcase. 

“I just get nervous that I won’t have the right thing to wear, and I want to look nice for your family or whatever.” Ali said as she started to fold tee shirts and shorts. She was chewing on her own lip and was focusing on the suitcase in front of her. Ashlyn was picking at her thumbnail and staring up at the ceiling. And for the first time, the situation was actually, very awkward between them. She looked down at her thumb nail and saw the beginning drops of blood and stuck her thumb in her mouth as she adjusted herself into a sitting position while she still held her thumb in her mouth. As she was sitting across from Ali she noticed that Ali had dark circles under her eyes, and her lips were chapped and she kept biting at them, and her hands were very jerky as she was folding her clothes. Ashlyn continued to look at her for a second before she reached out and tucked a stray strand of hair behind Ali’s ear. Her fingers lingering on the side of Ali’s face and ear for a second before she put her thumb back her in her mouth. The gesture made her so nervous that she didn’t know why she had done it. Ashlyn noticed that Ali’s eyes lightened up a little and a soft smile spread across her face. 

“Do you think Chris will like me?” Ali said as she finished folding the last shirt. She picked up the suitcase and placed it on the ground and stretched out her legs and laid her back against Ashlyn. Ashlyn stared at the top of Ali’s head for a second. She could smell her shampoo and almost wanted to rest her face in her hair. It looked as soft as feathers and smelled like a botanical garden and for some reason this was incredibly distracting to Ashlyn. 

“He will. Him and I always like the same people.” Ashlyn said still staring at the top of Ali’s head, she felt Ali relax more into her. 

“I just know how close you are to him and how you really care what he thinks. And I’m scared he won’t like me and that you’re family won’t like me. And I’m dumb for being this nervous, it’s not even like we’re... Well.. We’re just friends.” Ali said, and Ashlyn could see her hairline change to a dark red, and the top of Ali’s ears start to flush, which made Ashlyn’s stomach twist and turn. Ashlyn wasn’t used to trying to calm Ali’s nerves, or try to comfort her. Typically it was the other way around. Which made Ashlyn’s stomach turn in a whole new different way. 

“You don’t have to worry about my parents, but they’ll like you. And so will Chris. You don’t have to be nervous.” Ashlyn said, almost awkwardly, not really sure how to answer Ali’s question or calm her nerves. “And, you already know that I think you’re pretty alright, so that’s all that matters.” Ashlyn said with a small smile in her voice. She felt Ali relax even more, and heard Ali let out a small giggle. And suddenly the room wasn’t as awkward anymore. Ali stretched all the way out and laid her head in Ashlyn’s lap. She started tracing pictures over Ashlyn’s thigh and pretended not to notice when goosebumps erupted all over Ashlyn’s body. They sat there for a minute, listening to whatever music Ali had playing on her iPod speakers and Ashlyn feeling Ali breathing on her lap. She wanted to play with Ali’s hair so badly, and she didn’t know why she had this deep yearning to do so. She tried to resist, so she settled with combing Ali’s hair behind her ears again. Ali’s skin felt warm to the touch and Ashlyn noticed that the top of her ears were red again, which made her stomach settle just a little bit. 

“I’ll make a deal with you” Ali said still tracing over Ashlyn’s thigh with her pointer finger. The sensation was driving Ashlyn wild in about seven different ways and she was doing everything she could to keep her breathing steady. 

“What’s the deal?” Ashlyn said as she looked up at the sparkling lights hanging from Ali’s wall. She had memorized the pattern of the blinking of the lights and was staring up watching it happen while she felt Ali take a deep breath. 

“I won’t be nervous about meeting your family, if you won’t be nervous about me meeting them.” Ali said, turning her head so she was looking directly up at Ashlyn, who closed her eyes for a moment, letting the words sink in. 

“I’m not nervous about you meeting my family. But deal” Ashlyn said as she still avoided eye contact and was watching the lights blink on and off in different patterns. She felt Ali sigh and she looked down to see Ali chewing her lip again. “I promise, I’m not nervous about you meeting them. It’ll be great.” Ashlyn said smiling down at Ali, who made a weak smile back and still chewed on her lip. “I see you picked up my bad habit” Ashlyn said as she poked Ali’s chin. Ali stopped chewing her lip, and shook her head, and then ran her tongue over her lips instead. Which sent electric chills up Ashlyn’s body so fast she was sure that Ali could feel it radiating from her. 

She had left Ali’s room about an hour later under the premise of getting sleep. Which she had intended to do, but her brain was running in circles. She looked over at her packed suitcase and put the printed boarding passes on top of the suitcase. She double checked the time and set her alarm for a reasonable hour for her to awake, shower and get to the airport in time for the flight. Her room was pitch black, and she sat on her bed tracing patterns over her own thigh this time, remembering Ali’s touch. She closed her eyes and thought about the blush of Ali’s ears when Ali was talking about Ashlyn’s family. She had said something that caught Ashlyn off guard. “It’s not even like we’re...” Ashlyn knew what she wanted Ali to say and that though sent her stomach spiraling even worse. She had spent the past few days in an anxious bundle for so many different reasons, and now she saw this rubbing off on Ali, which made her feel guilty, which made her feel anxious. 

She was tasting blood again in her mouth and had adjusted so she was laying under all of her blankets facing the wall with her blankets over her head. She continued to chew on her lips all night and woke up tasting blood still. When her alarm went off in the morning, she felt like she hadn’t slept at all. She took a quick shower before she put on a pair of skinny jeans and a v neck teeshirt and her wet hair in a bun. She put chapstick on her lips and tried to cover up the fact that they were gnawed on, and cracked and bleeding. She knew her mom would point this out. She put a pair of sunglasses on her head and moved her suitcases to the door. Right as she did this she heard a knock on her suite door. She opened it up and saw Ali there with her suitcase and a wide smile on her face. Ashlyn gave her the once over as she pulled her suitcase out into the hallway. Ali was dressed in a pair of red denim shorts and a black v neck that clung her her body with a pair of sunglasses on the top of her head. The dark circles under Ali’s eyes were gone and her lips were no longer chapped. In fact Ali didn’t look as nearly as nervous as she did last night, which made Ashlyn’s stomach feel significantly lighter. 

The pair made idle smalltalk on the way to the airport and through security. They ended up at their gate with about 30 minutes to spare before boarding and the two went to a newspaper stand to get a few things for their flight. Ashlyn laughed as she looked over at Ali, who had acquired a small stack of trashy magazines and several different versions of gummy candies while Ashlyn on the other hand, settled for just a bottle of water. The two sat down at the gate and Ashlyn looked over Ali’s shoulder at the magazine that she was looking at, while Ali pulled a gummy worm through her teeth. 

“Sometimes, I forget that you’re 21.” Ashlyn said as she poked Ali in the arm, who was now drinking a juice box of all things. 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about” Ali said with a smug look on her face. As she smiled with the straw of the juice box between her teeth. Ashlyn couldn’t help but laugh at the girl next to her, who can act like a complete 8 year old, but still manage to be drop dead sexy at the same time. The flight boarded and the two found their seats, which was just in an aisle of two. As the boarded the plane, Ali looked at Ashlyn and raised her eyebrow as she took the seat next to the window and smiled with the same smug look on her face. 

“I wasn’t going to fight you for it.” Ashlyn said laughing at Ali who was staring out the window watching the men load luggage onto the plane. 

“Good, because I would’ve won anyway.” Ali said grinning. She reached over and grabbed Ashlyn’s hand and intertwined her fingers, she turned away from the window and smiled at her. Her eyes were bright with excitement and her smile was just as eager. “But, I also have a secret to tell you. I’m terrified of take off and landing, so I’m probably going to be even more of an 8 year old.” Ali said as she squeezed Ashlyn’s hand a little and let go. 

Ali wasn’t kidding. When the pilot announced take off, Ali grabbed Ashlyn’s hand and didn’t let go through all of the safety instructions. When the plane started speeding up and lifting off the ground, the plane felt like Ashlyn’s stomach had all week. Quickly moving and shaky. Ali put both of her hands around one of Ashlyn’s and leaned into her shoulder, her eyes were closed and her hair slumped around her face and her shoulders. Ashlyn reached down and placed a quick peck on the top of Ali’s head. Which was debatably the most intimate gesture she had ever initiated with Ali, which made her stomach speed as fast as the plane. Ali didn’t move her hands or her head off of Ashlyn’s shoulder until the plane leveled and they were safely up in the air. 

The flight, though it was about three hours long, went by pretty quickly. Ashlyn was used to flying by herself, and having the peace of her headphones, a book and sometimes a quick nap. But she learned quickly that this wasn’t going to be the case with Ali. When Ashlyn put in her ear phones, Ali plucked one out of Ashlyn’s ear and placed it in her own, with no explanation but a devious smile. Ashlyn tried to read a book of her own for a second, but Ali would stop her every few minutes and tell her a story about something she had read in a magazine, or just a story in general. Ashlyn wasn’t annoyed though, she was entertained and almost intrigued by Ali. They spent the flight chatting, sharing headphones and magazines and gummy candies. Ali had pushed up the arm rest that divided the two seats and adjusted herself so she was closer to Ashlyn. She continued to adjust her legs and fidget the entire plane trip, but continuously maintained physical touch with Ashlyn, who tried not to enjoy it. By the time the plane was about to land Ali had completely placed herself in Ashlyn’s arms, her body leaning into Ashlyn while she put one of Ashlyn’s arm around her. Ashlyn couldn’t help but laugh.

“You’re such a mess.” Ashlyn said, as Ali reached for Ashlyn’s hand and placed it in her hair. 

“Whatever, I’m you’re favorite mess.” Ali said as she almost forced Ashlyn’s hand to play with her hair. Which Ashlyn only laughed at and obliged to the girl. When they were landing Ali turned into Ashlyn and closed her eyes again, and Ashlyn felt more comfortable petting her head and resting her chin on top of Ali’s head, until they felt the wheels hit the ground. Ali detangled herself from Ashlyn and started to put her things in her bag, while Ashlyn picked up her phone and called Chris to tell him that they had just landed. 

The pair deplaned and walked over to the baggage claim. Ashlyn’s stomach was fluttering with a new kind of butterflies. She was excited. Excited to have Ali all to herself this week. Excited over how well the plane ride went and excited to see her brother. She scanned her eyes around the baggage claim looking for the familiar face. 

“What does he look like?” Ali said as she started scanning around the airport for Chris. 

“Like that” Ashlyn said pointing at a tall figure about 50 feet away from them, her face exploding into a bright smile. She sped up her pace and walked directly into Chris’ open arms. She stood there for a second, her arms wrapped around him, and instantly felt at home. 

“Okay okay, back off little sis” Chris said, smiling down at Ashlyn who had just let go of him. “It’s like you missed me or something.” He said with a huge grin on his face. Ashlyn softly punched him in the side and hugged him around the waist one more time still smiling. She let go and looked over at Ali, who had a soft smile on her face and was watching the pair.

“Chris, this is Ali. Ali, this dumb ass is my brother” Ashlyn said pointing to the appropriate people, while Ali and Chris shook hands and introduced themselves. They all walked over to Chris’ truck. Chris put their bags in the tailbed and they all piled into the front seat, Ashlyn in the center. As they sat down and starting driving down the familiar road towards Ashlyn’s house, Ali grabbed Ashlyn’s hand and excitedly stared out the window. They all went through basic small talk as they drove towards the Harris’ household, and Ali didn’t stop looking out the window the entire time, almost like she was memorizing the landscape. Ashlyn smiled at Ali and couldn’t stop. Chris caught Ashlyn’s expression and smiled himself, and between the three of them the car was overly cheery. 

“Okay, I’m going to drop you two off and then I have to go to work, but I should be home around dinner time” Chris said as they pulled up to Ashlyn’s house. A modest two story house with a few trees in small yard. He got out and pulled out the suitcases and Ashlyn hugged him again. “It was nice to meet you Ali, I’ll see you two later!” He said as he got back into his truck and pulled out of the drive way. Almost instantly Ashlyn felt her phone buzz. 

“1. You didn’t tell me that she was smokin! 2. She is totally into you.” Read a text from Chris. Which made Ashlyn’s smile extend across her face. She tried not to show Ali her smile, but Ali raised in eyebrow in her direction, but Ashlyn just pocketed the phone and went inside the house. Her parents were at work and wouldn’t be home for a few more hours, so Ashlyn took the time to lead Ali up to her bedroom. They both took their suitcases upstairs and Ashlyn took in a deep breath as she opened up the door to her bedroom. Suddenly a wave of nerves came over her when she realized that Ali would be seeing her room for the first time, she tried to shove the nerves down as she hoisted her bag into the room and placed it in the corner. She sat down on her bed and pulled her legs into her lap while Ali surveyed the room. She say Ali’s eyes linger around the room, at the photographs and posters, at the bright bedding and books on the shelves. She had her hands in her pocket as she looked at the pictures in frames, and her eyes narrowed over a few of the faces. Ashlyn looked at Ali and noticed that she was staring at a picture of Ashlyn and another blonde haired girl and Ashlyn stomach dropped and she instantly started ripping the skin off of her fingernails. 

“Sweet digs!” Ali finally said as she took off her shoes and placed her sunglasses on Ashlyn’s dresser she went and laid on her stomach on Ashlyn’s queen sized bed, her eyes still surveying the room. “And Chris seems pretty awesome, it’s really nice to see you interact with him.” Ali said. Her response was genuine, and so was her smile. “I just have one question for you? What are the sleeping arrangements?” Ali said looking over at Ashlyn with a cocked eyebrow, which sent Ashlyn’s nerves in a frenzy.

“Well.. I can sleep on the couch and you can sleep in here. Or you can sleep on the couch.” Ashlyn said her eyes pacing the room.

“Or we could just both sleep in here. I’m like a dog I don’t take up much room.” Ali said, laughing, she let out a bark for good measure and grinned up at Ashlyn. She felt her hands shake a little but she nodded and smiled. 

“Whatever you want.” She smiled at Ali.

“Oh you are too easy!” Ali said with a grin, and slapped Ashlyn’s thigh. “I told you I always win.” Ali’s smile was smug and devious at the same time. Ashlyn just looked down at her bleeding nail bed and rolled her eyes. She knew one thing for certain. These few days with Ali were going to drive her absolutely crazy, in one way or another.


	9. Chapter 9

They spent a few hours sitting and laying on Ashlyn’s bed, both of them exhausted from the morning of travel. Ashlyn was laying on her back with her eyes open tracing the patterns that she had grown up staring at on her popcorn ceiling above her. Her and Ali didn’t talk much at first which Ashlyn was okay with. The excitement and adrenaline of arriving at home had worn off a little and now the exhaustion of the past few mostly sleepless nights had started to catch up with her. She wasn’t tired enough to fall asleep, but she did need rest. While she laid on her bed, her arms crossed behind her head while her head ran through so many thoughts. She stared up at the ceiling and had to almost force herself to keep her eyes open. While she was doing this, Ali was sitting on the bed next to her, her chin in her hands looking around the room, taking in the surroundings. 

After a while Ali stood up and paced around the room, walking slowly and taking in the room even more deeply than she had before. Slowly staring at the photographs that Ashlyn had posted around her room, staring at each one for minutes at a time. She would look at all of the posters hanging up in the room and would smile as her eyes glanced over them. She walked over to the bookshelf before she sat down on the ground facing the shelf. Ashlyn had stopped tracing the patterns in the ceiling for a second and looked over at Ali. Ali had her hair entirely over one shoulder with her head cocked to the side, reading all of the different titles on the bookshelf. Ashlyn tried not to smile to herself as she saw the similarities between now and the first time she had visited Ali’s room. The sun was shining into the window, glimmering off of the mane of Ali’s hair, making each individual strand shine. Ashlyn couldn’t see much of her face, but she could see a small wrinkle at Ali’s temple as she was reading the titles of the books. Ashlyn shut her eyes and faced back up to the ceiling. The room was quiet for a little while longer before she felt the bed shift next to her, but she was close to drifting into sleep and she couldn’t will her eyes to open. She felt something warm press into her, and while this happened a small smile pressed over her sleepy lips. 

“Wake up” Ali whispered to Ashlyn, who still had the small smile across her face. She opened one eye and looked over at Ali. Her lips turning downward as she turned her face over to Ali and furrowed her eyes and mouth into a pout. 

“Why the pout?” Ali said, her eyes lighting up with playfulness. 

“I’m sleepyyyy” Ashlyn almost whined to Ali, which made Ali roll her eyes scoff. 

“Yeah yeah” she said, poking Ashlyn in the side, who squirmed and tried to roll over on her side. But Ali was relentless, she continued poking Ashlyn until she sat up in the bed.

“Okay okay, I’m awake, happy now?” Ashlyn said rolling her eyes dramatically at Ali who was grinning widely.

“Of course I’m happy, I already told you I don’t like to loose” Ali said, small wrinkles forming around her eyes as she smiled and winked at Ashlyn. Ashlyn looked unamused for a second before she pinched Ali’s side, which resulted in Ali letting out a small yelp and crossed her eyes at Ashlyn, who giggled. “Do not tickle me Ashlyn, because I will win” Ali said, narrowing her eyes playfully at Ashlyn, who stifled a yawn with the back of her hand and scoffed at Ali’s remark. Right as Ashlyn was reaching to grab Ali’s side again she heard her parents enter the house. 

The two went downstairs and were quickly greeted by hugs from Ashlyn’s parents and Ashlyn introduced her parents to Ali. After they shook hands and made small talk, Ashlyn noticed that Ali was wringing her hands most of the time and biting her lower lip, chewing on the skin. Ashlyn reached out and lightly placed her hand on Ali’s shoulder for a second during discussion of the flight, and how tired they were and what they wanted to do for dinner plans. Ashlyn felt Ali relax under her touch, which made her stomach unknot itself. She was starting to feel okay, having Ali in her home, and watching her get along with her parents, and suddenly she wasn’t dreading this trip as much as she thought she would.

They ate dinner together soon after that Ashlyn’s dad had cooked, and Ashlyn was again was astonished at how well Ali was at adapting. Ashlyn could hardly keep up with her, she was cracking jokes with her dad, and complimenting her mother and talking with Chris as though they had been friends forever and this wasn’t her first time in the house. Ashlyn’s parents typically weren’t that hard to please, but they seemed to genuinely enjoy Ali’s company, and conversation came so naturally to the table that Ashlyn almost felt like she could fully relax for a second. The whole dinner she didn’t feel the need to bite her lip or pick at her fingernails, which was a nice break from the almost constant anxiety that she had been feeling recently. Chris and Ali bantered almost as well as Ashlyn and Chris typically did, and by the end of the meal Chris had started flicking food in Ali’s direction, which was a true sign of success. Ashlyn smiled and she felt her brain reeling again and she felt her stomach relax at how much she liked the idea of Chris and Ali interacting with one another, and how she liked the idea of Ali getting along with her family, and how relieved she was with this. 

After dinner, Chris, Ali and Ashlyn all went and sat on the back porch for a little while. Ali and Ashlyn were sitting together on a small wicker patio couch while Chris sat across from them in a patio chair. The sun was setting in the direction of the house, and Ashlyn felt her stomach loosen even more, which was still a strange sensation for her. The only word that could come to mind, was “beautiful”. The setting was beautiful, Ali was beautiful, interacting with her family was beautiful. They made idle small talk for a while, mostly while Ali talked about her brother Kyle. Ali had leaned into Ashlyn as they were sitting on the couch together, her back against Ashlyn’s side, while Ashlyn put her arm around her. When she did this she saw Chris raise an eyebrow ever so slightly in Ashlyn’s direction and then lowered it before Ali could see. 

“So Ali, are you dating anyone right now?” Chris asked. Immediately as he said this, Ashlyn felt her stomach knot back up, as though she had never gotten rid of her anxiety. She felt Ali tense into her her side for a second before straightening up and almost spacing herself away from Ashlyn. This movement almost made Ashlyn nauseous. She whipped her head over to Chris and glared in his direction, not necessarily caring if Ali saw her reaction to this. Chris kept a blank stare on his face and blinked in Ali’s direction, awaiting her answer. 

“Hah, no not at the moment, I’m enjoying the single life actually. Why do you ask, are you interested?” Ali asked laughing off the question. This response did not make Ashlyn feel any better, and if anything it made her stomach tense up even more. She was grotesquely aware of the food sitting in her stomach and she had a heightened sensation of how close she was to Ali. She inched away from Ali and pressed her body into the corner of the bench, and she started picking at her almost non existent thumbnail. She loved Chris so much, but at this moment she was almost livid towards him. She caught Ali out of the corner of her eye, who had half of her bottom lip in her mouth, and the tips of her ears were slightly red. Ashlyn didn’t know how to read this and her stomach started flipping and knotting like it had never stopped. 

“Haha, thanks for the offer, but I just was trying to get to know you better.” Chris said with a shrug. Ashlyn didn’t let her body relax just yet, and she was still more than irritated with Chris. She couldn’t stop glaring at him from across the patio. She inhaled sharply and caught a whiff of Ali’s shampoo for a second, there had just been a huge gust of wind and a few strands of Ali’s hair were dancing in the air. Ashlyn stared at them for a second, taking her eyes off of Chris and letting her blood pressure lower again. “Maybe you two will find somebody tomorrow at the beach!” Chris said with a wink. At this point Ashlyn felt that she was just trying to get a rise out of her, and she tried her best not to let her face react.

“I don’t know. I’m not really looking for anyone. I’m pretty happy just with my friends as it is.” Ali said. Her ears were no longer red and she had stopped chewing on her lip. She slouched into her seat a little, relaxing and placed her arm on Ashlyn’s leg. Which made the hair on the back of Ashlyn’s neck rise and goosebumps erupt all over her body. Chills were all over Ashlyn’s body right now. The words echoing in her brain, and they repeated on a stream. Ali wasn’t looking to date anyone. And this shouldn’t have made her nausea increase her her toes curl. But it did. And she regretted bringing Ali home, as quickly as she had changed her mind. She didn’t understand why she felt comfortable before and suddenly she felt almost, silly, for feeling comfortable around Ali. She was sitting there, having an internal dilemma again feeling the wind on the back of her neck and how heavy Ali’s arm suddenly felt on her leg. Though it was cool outside she almost felt uncomfortably warm.

“Bathroom..” She mumbled as she lifted Ali’s arm from her leg and stood up. She walked upstairs to her bedroom and sat on the edge of her bed for a second. She turned her head up at the mirror in front of her bed and saw the blotches of red on her face. She continued looking at her reflection for a second and watched her chest rise and fall, and with each breath the splotches on her face would fade. She took in one last large breath and patted a few stray hairs down on the top of her head. She continued to breath deeply for a second and try not to think about why she could be upset. She knew she was being stupid, she knew that she was over thinking and she knew that she was feeling sick to her stomach for almost no reason at all. But no matter how much she tried to rationalize this in her mind, she still felt sick. She stood up from her bed and walked to the bathroom and turned the water on as hot as it could go from the faucet. She watched the steam roll of of the ribbon of water and let it enter her nostrils, she tried to relax as she kept her eyes shut. Feeling the heat of the water rise above the faucet. She gripped the bathroom counter and straightened her back, feeling each vertebrae stretch as she slowly stood up. After a few minutes she had effectively pushed the thoughts of Ali out of her mind for a moment, and she turned off the faucet and left the bathroom. She walked into her bedroom and saw Ali sitting on her bed with a book in her hands, flipping through the pages slowly. Ashlyn lingered at the door for a second watching Ali as she pushed her hair behind her ears, as her eyes slowly scanned the page, as her fingers traced over the words, and Ashlyn was captivated again. 

“Where’s Chris?” Ashlyn asked as she entered the room and sat down on the bed next to Ali. Ali was still scanning the book slowly with her eyes and slouched her shoulders.

“He said he had to go because he had to get up early for work, but that he would see you tomorrow.” Ali said, without any sort of emotion on her face, she stretched her legs out in front of her and continued to read, her eyes narrowed and a v curved between her eye brows. Right as she answered Ashlyn felt her phone buzz.

Hey sis, I figured it would be better if I just left for the night. Ali’s pretty legit. I approve. Sorry if I pissed you off, I figured one of us should make a move towards her, you know I didn’t mean anything by it.

Ashlyn knew that Chris was just joking around but she was still a little angry at him, even though she was trying really hard not to be. She felt in her mind that she was being stupid, but it didn’t stop her hands from shaking ever so slightly or her heart from pounding just by being this close to Ali. She tried to not let out a sigh and instead her body just tensed. As she was having this internal monologue she tilted her head and saw Ali still reading with almost a shadow of a smile on her face, the image made Ashlyn’s heart pound even more.

“Would it do any good if I asked you what you were thinking?” Ali said, still looking down at the book. Her brow was still furrowed and her eyes were narrowed looking at the words on the page, but her eyes weren’t scanning back and fourth anymore and Ashlyn knew she wasn’t reading the words on the page anymore. Ashlyn responded with a sigh. 

“Just a lot. I don’t really know what I’m thinking.” she shrugged, she pulled her legs in front of her and crossed her legs and tilted her head over to Ali. Ali lifted one of her hands and brushed Ashlyn’s cheek. Which made her skin ignite in a flame all over. She was hot and cold between the chills that erupted all over her body and the burning sensation of Ali’s touch. And suddenly her head and her stomach were doing simultaneous cartwheels. 

“Why don’t you figure it out while I go get ready for bed?” Ali said as she stood up. She walked over to her suitcase and pulled a few things out before walking to the bathroom. Ashlyn stood up herself and threw on a pair of sofie shorts and a loose fitting teeshirt. She laid down on her back and put the fingers of her left hand on her temple and felt a pulsing there. She didn’t know why her head was acting this way or how to get it to stop, but she felt incredibly mentally exhausted by the day. She felt something sharp in her shoulder that she hadn’t noticed at first, and reached over and picked up the book that Ali had been reading. It was Persuasion, which made Ashlyn smile. Ali walked into the room in a pair of boyshorts and a teeshirt that was about as long as the underwear she was wearing. The sight of Ali in front of her took Ashlyn’s breath away for what felt like the thousandth time that night. Ali walked in the room and shut the door behind her. It almost looked like the was floating the way she glided into the room and put her dirty clothes back into the suitcase. Her hair was rolling down her back in loose waves. Ashlyn tried not to look at the way that the teeshirt clung to her arms and hung off of her hips, and at the way her hair moved with her body. 

“So, we don’t believe in pajamas?” Ashlyn teased, she turned her head to hide her blushing face. She heard Ali snicker and felt the bed sink next to her. Ali grabbed the book back out of her hands and flipped through the pages again. She was laying on her back her hair fluffed around her on the pillow behind her, she held the book above her head and scanned through the words on the pages. She rested one of her legs against Ashlyn. Ashlyn looked at the tanned leg next to hers and her stomach twisted.

“I can put on clothes if you want.” Ali said, her nose crinkling at the laughter she was trying to hide. Her eyes turned down to Ashlyn and watched Ashlyn looking at her leg. Ashlyn’s eyes darted away and she looked up into Ali’s eyes. Which were still illuminated with laughter.

“Whatever makes you comfortable” Ashlyn shrugged. “I’m sorry about my brother.” She said, her eyes still locked with Ali. She saw Ali’s eyes go from illuminated to dark in a few seconds, which made Ashlyn’s stomach turn again.

“He was just joking around, it didn’t upset me too much. I was just hoping he wasn’t trying to tell me he was interested.” Ali shrugged, and pressed her leg against Ashlyn’s side even more.

“I never really know with Chris.” Ashlyn said, trying to figure out exactly how to respond. She knew she would need to explain why she left so suddenly left and was starting to feel dumb again.

“You don’t have to apologize for him. I just don’t really have time for guys shenanigans anymore.” Ali said shrugging, her eyebrow was raised, and she was still looking at Ashlyn, not moving and not breaking the glance. “I just shrug off guys flirting with me, I know what I want and no amount of flirting can really do anything to change that.” Ali said this and her eyebrow raised higher into her hairline. Ashlyn was trying to figure out if Ali was digging for something. But Ashlyn didn’t have the guts to say anything to her about it, it made her too nervous to think about. Her heart was beating really fast and her hands were trembling again. 

“Well, we’re probably going to have beat guys off of you tomorrow at the beach.” Ashlyn said, her eyes leaving Ali’s for the first moment in a while. She looked down at Ali’s leg that was touching her, and noticed that Ali also had goosebumps on her legs. Ashlyn was trying so hard not to stare, and to resist the urge to run her hand down the toned leg in front of her. Her breathing was shallow, her eyes darted back up to Ali, whose nose was crinkled and her eyes were illuminated again.

“Probably, but that’s why I have you around, you may have to fight them off extra hard when you see the swimsuits I packed for tomorrow. I dress to impress.” Ali said, her lips forming into a teasing smile, which made Ashlyn’s stomach jerk downward as though she was on a roller-coaster that just went down a hill. 

“You’re a mess.” Ashlyn said shaking her head. She was almost whispering at this point. There faces were about six inches apart and Ali was still leaning onto Ashlyn. Ashlyn was sure that Ali could hear her heart beating and see her hands shaking, and she couldn’t decide if she wanted Ali to notice or not. 

“But I’m your favorite mess. Can we watch a movie as we go to sleep?” Ali asked as she shifted upward in bed and reached over into a bag and pulled out her laptop. Ashlyn nodded and Ali started up her computer and put in a disk, the opening music started to play and Ashlyn started smiling even harder.

“I love this movie, how did you know?” Ashlyn said, Ali reached up and turned off the light and crawled into the blankets, she laid down on her side and put the computer in front of her. Ashlyn adjusted so she was sitting criss cross behind Ali, the screen created a glow around Ali’s face and her teeth looked even whiter than normal.

“Just a guess, but it’s one of my favorites. I’m glad you like it too.” Ali said grinning, the opening credits for The Princess Bride started playing, and Ali settled into the sheets even more. “You can lay down you know. I don’t bite.” Ali said, not looking up at Ashlyn, her eyes focusing on the screen. Ashlyn almost knew the movie by heart, and her heart was beating just as hard as it had been all night. 

“This girl is going to give me a heart attack” Ashlyn thought before she pulled back the blankets and laid down.

“As you wish.” Ashlyn whispered as she laid down behind Ali. Ali adjusted her body so she was completely pressed against Ashlyn’s body, which made Ashlyn’s breathing shallow again. She didn’t really know what to do, and she couldn’t decide if she was loving this or hating this. Ali’s hair was directly below Ashlyn’s nose and her hair smelled so wonderful and her body was so comfortable next to Ashlyn. Ashlyn inhaled deeply and took, what she considered as a big chance. She wrapped her arm around Ali’s body. She felt Ali smile below her and Ali intertwined her fingers with Ashlyn’s. They stayed in this same position watching the movie until the both fell asleep with the shadow of a smile on their faces.


	10. Chapter 10

Ashlyn woke up the next morning before Ali. The sun was streaming in through the window and she could feel the light behind her eyelids before they sprung open. She opened up her eyes slowly, still groggy with sleep and adjusting to the light of the room. It was still pretty early in the morning from what she could tell, and she was too tired to move just yet. She inhaled deeply and realized that she could smell Ali’s hair. She was laying down on her back, with Ali nuzzled into her side, Ali had one arm thrown around Ashlyn and her head on her chest, her hair spewed all around Ashlyn’s chest and her legs intertwined with Ashlyn’s. Once she realized this Ashlyn’s body again erupted into the familiar flames that Ali gave her. Her body was suddenly aware of everywhere that Ali was touching her and she tried so hard for her stomach to relax and to not pick at her fingernails. She lifted an arm and started stroking Ali’s hair, and Ali nuzzled her head more into Ashlyn’s chest even deeper and ever hair on Ashlyn’s body raised slightly. She sat there for a moment, feeling utterly comfortable with Ali nestled into her, but after a little while she decided that she couldn’t take it anymore she was almost starting to feel too warm all over, and feeling to comfortable with Ali laying into her. She slowly slid out of bed and watched Ali flip over onto her stomach and hug her arms around a pillow. Ashlyn put on a sports bra and kept the sofie shorts that she had worn to bed and slipped on her tennis shoes. She caught a glimpse at the living room clock as she left her house and saw that it was only a little after seven. 

She didn’t bring her music with her while she went on her run. She needed to think and she needed to hear her thoughts, but she also needed to run so that her thoughts would be clear. She started off at a slow jog and was counting her steps, and matching her breathing with each step that she took. and this calmed her down a little. She could hear the pounding of her footsteps and the chirping of the birds around her, the wind was blowing around her and she picked up her pace, still matching her breathing with her running. Her mind was running as fast as her legs were, replaying the events of the past twenty four hours. She could just think of Ali’s body wrapped around her and how it felt as though she was being electrocuted in a million places at once. She thought about how every time Ali talked her eyes couldn’t help but dart to her lips, and how whenever Ali would bite or lick her bottom lip it would drive her absolutely crazy. She thought about how whenever Ali touched her thighs she only had one thing on her mind, and that thought just made her blush. Ashlyn was conflicted, and she hated it. She wished that she could give in to Ali’s advances, or she wished that she knew that these were actually advances or not. She didn’t know what exactly was going on with her and Ali and she was even more terrified to find out what the possibility of what it could be. One one hand she was sure Ali was flirting with her and she was sure that she liked it, on the other hand the little voices in the back of her head were telling her that Ali could just be leading her on, playing a game with her. The thought of both made Ashlyn sick. 

She ran around her neighborhood about three times, she was used to running this route, it was what she typically did when she lived at home. But for some reason, whether it was the speed she was running at, the topic of what she was thinking or the fact that she still hadn’t caught up on sleep, she felt tired. She stopped in front of her house and stood under the shade of a tree in her front hard and caught her breath for a second. She breathed deeply and wiped the sweat that had gathered on her hairline. She had her hands holding each of her sides and walked into the house and saw that her parents had already left for the day to go to work or errands or whatever that they had planned to do today. The house was quiet, and Ashlyn assumed that Ali was probably still asleep. She tiptoed up the stairs and tried to quietly open up the door to her bedroom slowly hoping that it wouldn’t creek as she did it. When she shut the door behind her she heard a snicker, she whipped around and saw that Ali was sitting straight up in the bed reading Persuasion again, her hair draped around her shoulders and the sun bouncing off of her skin and her hair, even though she had just woken up and sleep still hung heavy in her eyes, she still looked breath taking.

“You went on a run without me?” Ali said, her lips going into a little pout but her eyes still illuminated with a smile, showing Ashlyn that she was just kidding.

“Sorry, you looked so peaceful sleeping, and I wanted to clear my head for a second.” Ashlyn said as she pulled off her shoes and sat on the edge of her bed.

“Why would you need to clear your head?” Ali asked as she extended her leg and poked Ashlyn in the butt with her foot. Which made Ashlyn squirm and laugh and she shook her head, but she could tell that Ali was insistent for an answer. 

“Just about how annoying you are.” Ashlyn said laughing and avoiding Ali’s long legs as they failed and tried to kick Ashlyn even more, but her laughter was uproarious, showing Ashlyn that she wasn’t offended.

“I am not annoying, I am adorable.” Ali said, pulling her knees into her chest, Ashlyn’s eyes dragged along her body and tried again not to linger on how the shirt clung to Ali in ways that made her stare and how her her thighs were exposed, revealing tanned skin that was hidden most of the time. Ashlyn looked and caught Ali’s eyes and saw that she was licking her lower lip which sent chills down her exposed spine. She wanted nothing more in the world than to crawl next to Ali and have them resume the position that they were in the night before, and just inhale Ali into her. But she stayed frozen, on the edge of the bed, suddenly aware of how sweaty and red her skin was from her run.

“Are you hungry?” Ashlyn said, as she averted her eyes away from Ali and stood up from the bed. She looked over at Ali who was nodding and smiled at Ashlyn and slid the legs off of the bed and stood up. She walked over to her suitcase and bent over as she was looking for a pair of shorts. Ashlyn was trying so hard not to look over in Ali’s direction her face was growing redder and redder with each passing second. Ali grabbed a pair of running shorts and slipped them on over her underwear and winked at Ashlyn as she crossed in front of her and headed to the bathroom. 

Ashlyn made her way downstairs and pulled out eggs from the fridge and a bottle of orange juice and had started cooking by the time Ali padded down the stairs. She was still wearing the running shorts and the oversized shirt she wore to bed and had her hair piled on her head in a bun, she had a grin on her face and walked over to Ashlyn before she went and sat on the counter next to the stove as Ashlyn started scrambling eggs. Ashlyn felt her eyes on her while she cooked, but the silence was still comfortable. She suddenly felt exposed at the fact that she was just in a pair of shorts and a sports bra and how the small hairs all over her body were erect and how goosebumps were slowly forming over her clammy skin. She finished the eggs and slid them onto a plate and started making bacon when Ali reached across the counter and grabbed a loaf of bread and put a few slices into the toaster. After a few minutes of a mostly silent environment they sat down at the table and ate their breakfast. Ali’s eyes were on Ashlyn most of the time, scanning her, and she didn’t try to hide it, and Ashlyn still didn’t know exactly how she felt about it. 

“You okay?” Ashlyn said after she tore a bite of toast and put it in her mouth. Ali sipped her orange juice and her face was still blank, as it had been most of the morning, an unreadable expression that made Ashlyn almost sick to her stomach, she didn’t know why this made her so uncomfortable or why she cared so much, but she didn’t like this.

“Nothing bad, I’m just trying to sort out my thoughts.” Ali said without changing her facial expression, if anything she just shrugged and picked at her bacon. 

“Anything interesting?” Ashlyn wasn’t used to asking Ali the questions, because she always was so open with her thoughts and what she was thinking, and the thought of the unknown make the eggs re-scramble in her stomach. Ali could tell that Ashlyn was trying to figure out what is going on in her mind, and her eyes were scanning across the table before they stopped and she stared the jug of orange juice for a second, before she just blinked and shook her head, but crinkled her nose and smiled at Ashlyn, showing her that she was still okay. The smile made Ashlyn’s stomach loosen a little, but her brain was still trying to sort out exactly where Ali was at this moment. Ashlyn finished eating and put her thumb in her mouth and gnawed at the skin around her thumbnail and watched Ali as she finished her eggs and toast. Ashlyn put the dishes in the dishwasher before the two walked up stairs to Ashlyn room, and Ashlyn sat on her bed with her legs extended directly in front of her and stretched them out feeling a little burn still from the run that she had, and felt her thighs pull a little, releasing some of the tension from her body. 

“What would you like to do today? I don’t really live an exciting life, but we could go to the beach, or to the pool, or hang around the house..” Ashlyn said as she leaned down and laid her stomach flat on her extended legs still stretching. She racked her brain for more ideas of what they could do but she couldn’t think of anything exciting, which made her disappointed in herself. 

“Can we go to the beach? I haven’t been in so long, and plus I have a new hot swim suit I want to try out on the boys.” Ali winked as she said this and turned around and dug through her suitcase, that comment stung for a second, and Ashlyn felt it deep in her stomach and her feelings hurt more than would’ve been expected. She ripped at her fingernails again and watched as the droplets of blood formed around her cuticles and ran together. Suddenly she was dreading today and taking Ali to the beach and even being at home. She wanted to lay alone in a dark in the silence in the cold and just crawl under her blanket, and she didn’t necessarily know why. Ali left the bedroom with a pile of clothes in her arms and went into the bathroom, while Ashlyn dug around her room for her swim suit, she settled with a pair of black boys swim trunks and a blue bikini top, she threw on a navy wife beater on top of the swimsuit and rewrapped her hair up in a bun on top of her head. Ali walked into the room a few seconds later with a pair of denim shorts on and the straps of a pink bikini poking out from under a tank top. Her hair looked soft and brushed and was down again reaching past her tanned shoulders and she fluffed it back with her hand. She had a smile on her face and reached for her sunglasses. 

The two piled into Ashlyn’s jeep that she had left at home and drove the short distance to the beach. Ali messed with the radio stations and picked some top forty station and hummed along to whatever song was playing. Ashlyn tried a few times to start conversation with her but it didn’t necessarily work. Ali mostly nodded or grunted in her general direction, or shrugged. They pulled up to the beach and Ashlyn pulled out the bag that she had packed with towels, snacks, sun screen and a soccer ball and they walked onto the sand. As soon as she had reached the sand Ali pulled off her flip flops and walked barefoot through the pale sand. The beach wasn’t overly crowed yet because it was only about 11 am and it wasn’t the middle of the summer, but it was still warm enough outside that people would probably start to make an appearance after lunch. Ashlyn set the bag down and laid out a towel and took off her shirt. She started rubbing sunscreen on her arms and neck and watched as Ali paced silently. She walked towards Ashlyn and took off her shirt and shorts. Ashlyn realized that Ali wasn’t kidding, this bikini was hot. And looking at Ali in it was starting to make Ashlyn hot too. She turned her eyes downward and focused on her rubbing sunscreen on her shoulders. Ali put her clothes down and walked away from Ashlyn, walking along the shore line slowly in a mostly straight line, looking downward as the waves crashed against her feet. Ashlyn again wondered what was on Ali’s mind and how to break through it and started to get frustrated with herself, and with Ali, and with this stupid vacation. 

She laid down on her towel and felt the heat of the sun on her stomach and her neck, she knew she was going to walk out of this with more freckles than when she came, and probably a bit of a tan. Her eyes were shut and she focused on the sounds around her, the sound of the wind gently blowing, the waves softly crashing against the sound, of kids laughing as they would run up into the water and get knocked down by waves. Her eyes were shut and she was trying to drown out her thoughts with the sounds around her, but it wasn’t working. She heard a familiar laughter and it made her stomach turn and her eye brows bunch together like an angry caterpillar across her forehead. She stayed laying down with her eyes shut for a while, while she heard the laughter get louder. She finally sat up and almost felt the heat melt off of her when she saw Ali surrounded by three guys, all who appeared to be around their age. Ali was standing near the shore again talking to the guys, her hand was on her hip and her head was cocked back in laughter. The boys were all enamored by Ali, which Ashlyn could tell by the look on their faces and how engaged they were with her. She said something and then touched one of their shoulders and suddenly Ashlyn felt as though her entire body was on fire. Her face burned and her stomach lurched and she honestly thought she was going to puke. Her face was flaring and her hands were shaking and she didn’t know what to do. She stood up and dusted a little bit of sand off of her, she grabbed the soccer ball out of the bag and started kicking it around, walking around the empty beach for a second. Her hands were still shaking and her body was still engulfed in flames. She dribbled the ball around for a second and then got angry and kicked it over in Ali’s direction as hard as she could.

“Ash, what the hell!” Ali said, the ball had just hit one of the boys in the back of the leg and he turned around angrily glaring at whoever kicked the ball. Ashlyn shrugged in their general direction, one of the boys picked up the ball and dropped it on the ground again and kicked it towards the other boys. They quickly started a game of two on two, where Ali was paired with one of the boys and the other two boys against each them. Ashlyn stood where she was, astonished at what she was watching happen before her and again felt incredibly jealous. 

She turned her back from the game and walked in the other direction, along the coast. The water hit her feet, and it was warm and soothing to her. she stood in about ankle deep water and walked further and further away from where she laid down her towels, and further away from Ali. The sensation in her stomach was miserable and and she tried to pace her breathing down and let her hands stop shaking but her whole body was burning and she felt much hotter than it actually was outside. She walked further and further down the beach until she no longer recognized where she was and decided that she should turn around and start heading back. She walked even slower before, counting each breath that she took and matched them with each step she took at the same time. She walked in the ankle deep water and focused only on her feet and the steps she was taking. A few minutes later she walked away from the water and further onto the beach. She walked gingerly and tried not to step on any of the sharp shells beneath her feet, she picked up a few shells here and there. Mostly only tourists did this and she mostly thought it was lame, but looking at the different patterns around the shells calmed her a little, she ran her finger over the patterns and felt the textures and it soothed her. She picked up about a handful of shells between her walk back towards the spot where she laid out her towel. 

She had been gone for about an hour and a half on her cool down walk and she didn’t see Ali anywhere around. Their stuff appeared to be mostly untouched since she left. She laid down on her stomach and pulled out her phone from her bag, and there were no missed calls or text messages and she had no idea where Ali was. She was too confused to look for her right now, and instead pulled out a bag of apple slices and ate them. She felt each grain of the apple in her mouth as she chewed, and realized she wasn’t even tasting them, and instead was eating them to pass time. She pulled out her copy of persuasion that Ali had slipped in the bag and read the pages slowly, before she realized she was still too irritated to focus on reading. She laid her arms in front of her and crossed them and rested her head on them, while feeling the sun beat on her back as it raised higher in the sky. Her eyes slowly closed again and she tried to breathe when she heard the sound of Ali’s laughter again. Her eyes darted up and she saw Ali with the soccer ball under her arm, her hair now piled on top of her head, similar to the bun that she was sporting this morning. She was talking to the boy that Ashlyn had hit with the soccer ball. Ashlyn couldn’t hear what they were saying but her eyes were burning, the boy was eating up whatever Ali was saying to him and Ali was laughing almost too loudly at what ever jokes that he was telling her. She watched the boy hand Ali his phone and Ali type something in before handing it back to him. She stood on her tip toes and pecked his cheek before he walked away in the opposite direction. Ashlyn’s hands were shaking so hard that she could see them shaking and her breathing was just as shaky. He cheeks were burning, and her temples and every place that she had ever felt Ali kiss her. She was trying to talk herself out of being angry but it wasn’t working. 

Ali all but pranced over to Ashlyn with her nose crinkling and a smile on her face. Ashlyn buried her face into her folded arms and refused to look up at Ali as she went and sat on the towel next to her. She laid down on her stomach next to Ashlyn, and the air was thick between them, but Ashlyn didn’t want to talk to her, and she didn’t know what to say.

“How was your walk?” Ali asked in a nonchalant manner, which only made Ashlyn angrier. She shrugged and turned her head away from Ali. They laid there for a while, in an uncomfortable silence that was new to them, and it was only making Ashlyn feel sick. After about another hour of this she sat up and looked over at Ali, who was reading the copy of Persuasion that Ashlyn had set down, her sunglasses pushed up into her hair. She looked over at Ashlyn when she sat up, her face still stoic as it had remained all morning except when she was talking to the boys. 

“You ready to go?” Ashlyn asked still not looking at Ali, she was brushing the sand off of her swim trunks.

“Sure, if you are? You okay?” Ali asked looking at Ashlyn, who responded by standing up and shaking the sand off of the towel that she had been using and repacking the bag that they had taken with them. Ali deposited her items into the bag and they started the walk back to the jeep. Ashlyn drove home and Ali didn’t hum to the music this time or fidget with the radio, she sat there with her hands in her lap looking out the window as Ashlyn drove home. The second they got into the house Ashlyn went directly to the bathroom and took a shower. She turned the water on as hot as it would go and watched the welts raise on her arms and thighs. She sunk down into the tub and pulled her knees into her chest and felt the water beat over her body in strong ribbons. Her hair dripped in front of her face, and her mind was blank for the first time all day. She felt the water run cold over her, and she stood up and turned the water off and wrapped herself tightly in a towel. She walked into her bedroom where Ali was no where to be seen and closed the door behind her. She looked at her face in the mirror again, seemingly unchanged from the night before, but her eyes weren’t anxious anymore. Just sad. She stayed in her bedroom until her parents came home and she made her way downstairs for dinner, she spent the rest of her afternoon laying in bed with the lights off and her body curled together. 

Ali had been in the family room watching television for most of the day while reading Persausion, Ashlyn had discovered at dinner with the conversation that Ali was having with her parents. Dinner consisted of Ali talking with Ashlyn’s parents, and Ashlyn pushing food around her plate and drinking water slowly. Chris couldn’t make it tonight so there was no one to fill in the silences. When they finished her family dispersed to the different parts of the house, and Ashlyn went and sat on the porch, feeling the wind in her loose hair and breathing slowly and smoothly. She heard the porch door close behind her and turned and saw Ali standing behind her, looking out at the setting sun.

“Can I sit?” Ali asked gesturing towards Ashlyn. Ashlyn didn’t know if she wanted Ali there, so she shrugged and curled her body into itself. Ali sat down next to her on the patio bench that they had sat on the night before. The air was thick again, and tonight Ali didn’t press her body into Ashlyn’s and Ashlyn didn’t want her to.

“Are we going to talk about why you’re pissed at me?” Ali asked, her lips curled downward, she was still staring out into the distance and her eyes were brooding. 

“I’m not pissed.” Ashlyn said, her voice was low and her eyes were focused on the trees out in the distance, and how the leaves moved when the wind blew.

“Bullshit.” Ali whispered. It wasn’t angry and it wasn’t spiteful, it was more of just a fact. Ashlyn didn’t feel like denying it so she just slumped her shoulder downwards. 

“What was all that today?” Ashlyn asked, finally turning her head towards Ali, who still wouldn’t look at Ashlyn.

“What are you talking about?” Ali said.

“The boys on the beach.” Ashlyn said softly, her eyes focused on Ali.

“I was flirting. Having fun. I’m allowed to do that you know.” Ali said her voice was hard and spiteful.

“I thought you weren’t interested in a relationship or anything.” Ashlyn said her eyes looking down at her bare feet in front of her, and she thought about how she could paint her toenails or do something with her hands right now to distract herself.

“I mean, I’m not, but whose stopping me from flirting?” retorted Ali with almost a scoff in her voice. This hit Ashlyn like a brick was thrown into her stomach.

“I guess no one is stopping you.” Ashlyn said as she put her legs down and went to stand up.

“Jesus Christ, Ash.” Ali said finally whipping her head towards Ashlyn. “What do you want from me? Because this game is exhausting.” Ali said, and Ashlyn felt like she was in a game of dodgeball where she was the only person on one team, and she was being pelted consistently and ruthlessly by the other team. 

“What game?” Ashlyn asked, her voice was hurt and thick. “I’m not playing any game.” Ashlyn said trying to wrap her brain around this whole conversation. 

“This mixed signal, extremely brooding, mysterious game where you are some creature that needs to be taken care of who doesn’t show any emotion at all. That game. Where I have been throwing myself at you and you just look the other way.” Ali gasped at the end of her statement, her eyes were heavy and she suddenly had bags under her eyes and her shoulders slumped.

“I’m not playing a game. This is who I am. And I thought you understood that. I still don’t understand why you were throwing yourself at those boys today.” Ashlyn said ruffling her hands through her hair and placing them hard on her hips. She felt herself giving herself a bruise on her hips with how hard she was squeezing, but she needed the pressure there. 

“Because maybe I wanted you to show an ounce of emotion for once, because maybe I wanted to see that you cared about me. Or maybe I wanted to feel like I wasn’t constantly being rejected.” Ali spat at Ashlyn, her eyes darting to the ground.

“I’m not rejecting you.” Was all Ashlyn could muster, as tears were clogging her vision and it was becoming harder for her to see Ali in front of her.

“Then what are we doing, Ash. Where is this going?” Ali said, tears were starting to form in her eyes and she held Ashlyn’s gaze strong. 

“I’m not ready.” Ashlyn said as a single tear escaped and fell down her cheek. Ali watched this happen and stood up and slowly approached Ashlyn. Ashlyn felt her skin burst into flames again in so many ways, and wanted nothing more than for Ali to stop coming near her, for Ali to back away, but Ali didn’t. She went and stood in front of Ashlyn and grabbed one of her hands.

“Why?” Ali said. Her hands were holding both of Ashlyn’s, which were shaking so profusely that no matter how hard Ali held them, she was still shaking. She looked up into Ashlyn’s eyes and they stayed there, staring at each other for a second. She leaned in towards Ashlyn, their noses touching and their lips only centimeters apart. Ashlyn could feel Ali’s breath on her and her lips were tingling. Ali leaned in closer and their lips almost touched before Ashlyn turned her head away almost violently.

“I can’t.” was all Ashlyn said before she turned away and walked up to her room, shutting the door behind her.


	11. Chapter 11

Ashlyn was laying in her dark room. She was on her side completely covered by her blanket up to her head. Ali hadn’t followed her up to her room, and Ashlyn hadn’t heard a peep from her in the few hours since they had had their fight. Ashly hadn’t moved since she pounded up to her room hours ago. She blinked back tears that were streaming down her face and her breathing was ragged and shallow. Her hands hadn’t stopped shaking all day and she was so upset she couldn’t even think about chewing her lip or chewing her nails. She could just shove her face into a pillow and sob. She couldn’t stop picturing Ali’s face inches away from hers, how she could virtually taste Ali’s lips with how close they were. Her stomach lurched and she almost dry heaved. She always was nauseous whenever she was this upset and she hated herself for it. She was hating herself for everything, and she almost felt like she was drowning in her own self loathing. She wanted to open up to Ali, she wanted to have kissed Ali and she wanted to give Ali everything that she wanted, but she couldn’t. She was looking at a wall in her mind, a wall that she had spent so many years building, and she was searching for a chink, but she couldn’t find one anywhere, she couldn’t see the other side where Ali was waiting and she wasn’t strong enough to break it down. 

Her sobs racked her body and made her shiver all over, even though she was covered up to her head in blankets. She didn’t hear the door open and she was too deluged in her emotions to feel the bed sink beside her. It wasn’t until she felt arms wrap around her did she realize that she wasn’t alone anymore. She was still sobbing but she felt Ali petting her head, laying her hair down and rubbing her arms. Ashlyn was torn between feeling more anxious and calming down. She wanted this, but she didn’t. She wanted Ali’s arms around her, and she wanted to be left alone. She wanted to be pulled above water, and she wanted to drown. Her sobs quieted and her breathing evened a little but the tears were still relentless and pouring down her face. Ali’s body was pressed firm against hers and her arms were still around Ashlyn’s body. Once she had her sobs under control and her breathing consistent her body stopped shaking a little. Ali responded to do this by rubbing small circles on Ashlyn’s arm. She took in a final deep shaky breath, and felt her lungs fill and her stomach expand fully and she held the breath for a two whole seconds before she deflated and exhaled. As she deflated she fully let herself give into Ali, she didn’t fight Ali holding her any longer and just hung there, in Ali’s arms completely limp. 

“Why?” Ashlyn asked in a horse whisper. She closed her eyes, because she felt even more exhausted than she ever thought she could feel. She didn’t have the energy to move, to think or to cry anymore, she could only lay there, still while Ali held her.

“Why what?” Ali whispered into Ashlyn’s ears. Her chin was rested on Ashlyn’s shoulder, and she was still moving her hands in circular motions on Ashlyn’s for arms, she stopped and rubbed up and down Ashlyn’s back. Ashlyn shuddered at this, but was too exhausted to stop it. 

“Why did you come in here?” Ashlyn asked. Her eyes still shut.

“Because I was worried about you, dummy.” Ali said, with a small smile in her voice. Ashlyn sighed and a few more tears ran down her face. 

“I don’t want to reject you.” Ashlyn whispered. She said it so quietly she thought that Ali couldn’t hear her for a second. The silence hung in the air again like it had all day.

“I know you don’t.” Ali said, just as quietly, her mouth was centimeters away from Ashlyn’s ear and Ashlyn could feel the hair on the back of her neck raising with each word Ali spoke. “But I want to help you, to take care of you. I want to love you.” Ali said with a deep sigh. The breath went directly into Ashlyn’s ear and her hands started to shake again. She pressed her eyes shut so tightly she felt like she was watching explosions happening behind her eyes. Tears were streaming down slowly even with her eyes clenched shut. Her stomach hadn’t stopped turning all day, but she still felt too weak to even pull away from Ali. She felt like Ali was the only source of warmth for her right now in so many aspects of her life. Ashlyn felt like wet spaghetti in the arms of Ali, languid and weak. After several long moments Ashlyn finally pulled away from Ali in the dark and turned over on her other side, facing Ali. She saw that Ali’s hair was up on the top of her head knotted in a messy bun, she had dark bags under her eyes and what looked like tear stains on her face. Ali lifted up a finger and traced the path of a tear from the corner of Ashlyn’s eye down her cheek before wiping up the water from where it pooled, under her chin. Ali leaned forward and placed her lips where the tear was, the kiss didn’t linger and carried no other sense behind it but concern. 

“I’m sorry. I just don’t know if I’m ready.” Ashlyn said, pressing her eyes closed again. Ali kept her finger on Ashlyn’s face, tracing over her eyebrows, down the curve of her nose, around her lips and to her ears. Ashlyn felt her stomach loosen with each second that Ali’s finger was on her, she was too tired to fight it any more and she was too tired to to keep this wall up. 

“Will you talk to me about it?” Ali asked. Her voice was silken and calm. Her eyes were earnest and focused on Ashlyn’s eyes and expression. Ashlyn’s stomach was tangled and her body was loose and her brain was running a marathon. She let out a deep sigh again and sat up in the bed, she pulled her knees into herself and started dragging her non existent nails up and down her legs, pulling straight white lines across the smooth skin on her shins. The room was mostly dark, it was only illuminated by a small reading lamp on the other side of the room that Ali had flicked on when she entered. But it cast more shadows than anything giving light throughout the room. Ali sat up and faced Ashlyn, she had her legs crossed and her shins were touching Ashlyn’s. Her eyes traced the patterns that Ashlyn was making on her legs. Ashlyn could hear Ali’s breathing and how even and calm it was and tried to get hers to mach Ali’s. But there was still some resistance. She crossed her arms over her knees and put her head into her arms and let her hair drape over her exposed forearms. She felt Ali comb her fingers through her hair and tried to make her brain and body as loose as her hair was. She finally looked up and stared into Ali’s eyes, her eyes were squinted and swollen with tears but she tried to hold Ali’s glance as long as she could. 

After a second she swung her legs off of her bed and stood up. She ran a hand through her hair and fluffed it all the way back off of her face, she walked over to her closet and opened the door and looked inside for a moment before she knelt down. She had a small storage compartment with several drawers in it, she opened up one of the drawers and inside was a shoe box. She sat on her knees for a second holding the shoe box in her lap breathing over the box before straightening herself up and walking back over to the bed. She sat and put the box in between her legs and looked at it for a good long while before she decided that she needed to open it. She had put off opening the box in so many metaphorical and physical forms and now that she was so emotionally exhausted she didn’t know if she was even ready to do it. She didn’t know if she could rip off the band aid, but she knew that Ali was right there talking her through it. She lifted the lid off the box, and as she did it she felt as though her stomach was ripping in half. The first thing in the box was a pressed flower, it appeared to be a lilly at some point. It was dried and still had a wrist-lit attached. She felt the soft texture that the lilly once held and thought flower no longer had any moisture in it. It was still soft and fragile. She lifted the flower to her nose and let it linger there, she inhaled and her brain suddenly felt like she was floating. Her head started to spin and she laid it down on the bed. She reached in and pulled out a small stack of notes written on anything and everything, gum wrappers, sticky notes, sheets of paper napkins and inside of birthday cards. She pulled out a gay pride flag that was folded in a corner of the box and shook her head as she unfolded it and laid it down on the bed. There were trinkets and knick knacks that she pulled out, including a charm bracelet and a ring on a necklace chain and little stuffed animals. The box was empty within a matter of minutes, everything spread out over the bed. Ashlyn looked up at Ali, who wasn’t staring at the items, but was instead staring at Ashlyn. 

“What was her name?” Ali whispered as she picked up the necklace that held a ring on it. The ring had what looked like celtic knots on it swirled around. Ali ran her fingers over each of the the knots while the chain went through her fingers.

“Elizabeth.” Ashlyn whispered. “But I called her “Z”” She lifted a few letters and shuffled them through her fingers before she sighed and put them back down. 

“She’s the one that’s in the pictures, the blonde one right?” Ali asked as she put the necklace down, with the chain stretched out fully. Ali was looking up at Ashlyn’s face, trying not to break eye contact. Ashlyn didn’t want to break eye contact with Ali, but it was hard for her to keep looking at her. Her hands were heavy, her eyes were heavy and her brain was heavy. Ashlyn nodded and looked down, she reached over and grabbed a frame from her night stand with a picture of two smiling blonde girls. She traced her finger over the glass, her finger lingering the smiles that were shown. Her eyes became dark again and a tear spilled out. She put the frame down next to the other items on the bed. “She’s pretty.” Ali said, the tone was factual and short, not questioning or snarky. Ashlyn nodded again.

“She is. She’s gorgeous.” Ashlyn said nodding her head downwards.

“Tell me what happened.” Ali said. She wasn’t trying to push Ashlyn, and Ashlyn knew that. Ashlyn felt so many motions in her body and in her head right now and she wanted them to slow down. She always stopped herself from remembering and now that she was, her brain let the floodgates down and everything was overflowing, her thoughts were all racing and suddenly she was spewing information both to herself and at Ali and she didn’t know how to stop it.

“We met when I was 15. We were both sophomores in high school and she was my best friend. She was one of those people that when we first met, we clicked right away, kindove like you and I did, which is what scared me so badly when we met. She could read my mind without trying. We were always together and I didn’t even know that what I was feeling was romantic towards her until she was the one who told me. She was my first everything, my first kiss, who I lost my virginity to, the first person who had my heart and the first person who crushed it. I feel so dumb because I’m upset about this. But we were together for almost four years when I caught her cheating on me. I don’t open up to people. I don’t talk to them about things that happen to me and I don’t trust them. But I did and I told her everything about my life and everything that was important to me and she threw it away. I hate talking to people and I hate opening up to people.” Ashlyn gushed. 

She said all of this so quickly that she could tell Ali was trying really hard to keep up, her eyes focusing on Ashlyn’s. They were squinted and her brow was formed into the deep v again. 

“I loved her, with everything in me. She was my family. She was the only person that I could trust and she just threw it away. I want to hate her but I can’t. After I caught her she didn’t even want to be with me, she only wanted to be with the other girl. I never got any explanation or an apology from her. She just left. She tried so hard to break through me and get into my life and then she just quit. She just left and didn’t look back.” Ashlyn took a deep breath and leaned against the wall, pillows bracing her lower back. Her eyes here brooding and heavy with exhaustion. She folded her hands into one another and started re-picking the scabs that covered her hands. Ali leaned forward and grabbed Ashlyn’s hands, and Ashlyn tried to move her hands away and keep ripping at her hands. But Ali was relentless again, and wouldn’t let go until Ashlyn settled down. Ashlyn’s back was flat against the wall and she shut her eyes and her breathing was ragged. Tears hadn’t stopped pouring down her face for a second, and she was starting to get a headache. Ali let go of her hands after being sure that Ashlyn had stopped picking at her scabs and stood up and left the room before quickly re-entering with a box of tissues, a glass of water and aspirin and a wet wash cloth. She offered them to Ashlyn one at a time, allowing Ashlyn to blow her nose, then take the aspirin and drink the water, before Ali grabbed the rag and wiped under Ashlyn’s eyes and down her cheeks. Cleaning all the traces of tears away, even as they continued to fall. 

“Shh” Was all Ali said, as the sobs started to take over Ashlyn again. Snot was dripping down her nose and Ali was quick with a tissue to wipe it away, taking care of her almost like she was a small child. “I knew you were beautiful behind the shell.” She said as she pulled her body parallel to Ashlyn’s, she grabbed one of Ashlyn’s hands and intertwined her fingers with hers. Ashlyn scoffed at Ali and continued to let the sobs rack her body as they had all night. She was so tired of tears falling, and she was so tired of hurting and she was so tired of hiding and she was even more tired of this stupid wall in her mind. She slumped down and her ragged breathing took over her body. Ali pulled at her arm that she was holding onto and pulled Ashlyn into her. 

“I won’t hurt you.” Ali said to Ashlyn but she felt Ashlyn shaking her head profusely.

“I don’t know that. I can’t know that.” Ashlyn said trying to pull away from Ali, but Ali was trying to be firm again.

“Ash, stop trying to pull away from me.” Ali said, her voice was strong but still quiet. Ashlyn was still trying to resist and trying to pull away from Ali until she gave up and melted again, limp. 

“I can’t know that you won’t hurt me. Z said she wouldn’t hurt me and she did.” Ashlyn felt more like throwing up than ever and she was feeling scrambled and limp all at the same time.

“You need to trust me.” Ali said, still quiet and hard.

“Why do I need to. I can be fine by myself.” Ashlyn said, trying to rationalize with herself in her mind. 

“Because I know you love me.” Ali said in a matter of fact tone. Ashlyn sat up and pulled away from Ali. And Ali let her this time, she peeled herself away from Ali and grabbed the washcloth and wiped at her eyes again. The tears had stopped falling at this point and she was cooling down her flaming face with the washcloth and then blew her congested nose into another tissue and threw the used one into the slow growing pile on her bedside table. Her head was pounding and she felt miserable. She sat fully up and looked at all of the items that she had scattered all over her bed. Her fingers traced over each letter as she picked it them up and sorted them into the shoe box along with the stuffed animals, and the pride flag, and the bracelet and the corsage. Her eyes stopped at the necklace before she picked it up and felt it all in her hands switching it from one hand to another, letting the chain fall like water between her hands.

“It means family.” Ashlyn said staring at knots around the ring. “She gave it to me after the first time we had sex. I was sixteen and I hated my family and she hated hers, she said that we were the only family that we would need.” Ashlyn said, her chest puffing out with a huge sigh. She put the necklace into the box and shut the lid. Her hands rested on the box again before she reopened the lid and put the picture in the frame into the box and closed it again. She put the box next to her bed on the floor and laid down, curling her body into a ball and closing her eyes again. Ali laid next to her, not touching her, but staring at her unmoving body. Ashlyn felt the eyes on her and was frozen. 

“For the record, Ashlyn. I think I love you too.” Ali said. Ashlyn’s eyes flicked open as quickly as they could. Her stomach on a downward turn again. She looked up at Ali who now had tears of her own in her eyes. “I’m not saying that we have to be together right now and I’m not saying that we have to be. But I want to be, because I love you. You get me. You are part of me. And we can try to avoid that all we want. But it’s the fact Ashlyn. You are a part of me that I’ve been connected to since the first second that we met.” Ali’s voice was as soft as ever and this all came out in a hurried whisper, her own tears were pooling at the pillow that she was laying on creating a growing puddle around her face. She didn’t wipe her tears away and she didn’t stop looking at Ashlyn, her gaze stayed strong. 

Ashlyn watched Ali in front of her slowly crumbling and her insides ached in so many ways. It was her turn to reach up and wipe a tear away from Ali’s eye, her hand lingering on Ali’s cheek. Ashlyn felt like she was fully seeing into Ali for the first time, and she felt like she had finally found the chink the wall that she had been looking for.

“You’re a mess.” Ashlyn said, her glance never breaking away from Ali. Her fingers brushed Ali’s cheek back and fourth. Ali’s legs shifted forward and intertwined with Ashlyn’s, they were locked together for a moment with their legs and their gaze. The silence was comfortable for the first time all day between them. Ashlyn leaned forward and put her nose against Ali’s. Exactly as they had been on the front porch earlier, their faces incredibly close and their breathing matched. Ashlyn could almost taste Ali’s lips again like she could earlier and she closed her eyes and closed the gap between them, until she was actually tasting Ali’s lips on hers. A slow and burning kiss set Ashlyn’s body entirely on fire, and at the same time her body was covered in chills. The kiss didn’t last very long, but when they pulled away they both had tears in their eyes. Ali wrapped Ashlyn into her arms and kissed the top of her head.

“Whatever, I’m you’re favorite mess.” She said before tip toeing across the room and flicking off the light and bringing Ashlyn into her arms again, their bodies completely entangled and connected until they both floated off to sleep.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Everything mentioned in this chapter about pictures was entirely made up.

“Do you have to be so vulgar? No I didn’t “bang her”. We just talked...” Ashlyn said. She had woken up later than normal, almost in the middle of the morning. When she woke up, Ali was still asleep next to her. She woke up with her face near Ali’s. She could hear her shallow breathing next to her. Her eyes felt heavy and swollen and her face felt as though it was puffier than normal. She still felt incredibly exhausted, even though she had let everything off of her chest she still felt incredibly burdened and heavy. She had texted Chris as soon as she had woken up, and he came over before his shift. They were currently sitting on the patio feeling the cool breeze of early fall. Ashlyn’s hands were cupped around a mug of coffee, that she was sipping on occasionally. She didn’t like the taste very much but for some reason it was helping her cope. Chris was sitting across from her, mostly trying to gauge Ashlyn’s reaction to everything.

“So, you just told her everything, and then you two just fell asleep? Just like that?” Chris asked, his eyebrows scrunched. His eyes never left Ashlyn’s and they alternated between serious and joking. 

“I mean, we. Well I kissed her. And. I don’t know.” Ashlyn said. She suddenly didn’t feel like talking so much anymore. She pulled her legs into her and rested her head on her knees and let her hair hang over, her hair fell in thick ropes over her legs. She reached up and combed her fingers through it and ruffled it from the back. She kept her head down for a while before she looked up at Chris, who had a huge smile on his face.

“Dude, I knew she was into you!” Chris said, his eyes were illuminated and almost gleeful. Ashlyn tried really hard not to smile at him. But for some reason, her dry lips cracked into a small smile, and for a second her eyes didn’t feel as heavy as they had before. 

“I know. It’s hard.” Ashlyn shrugged. She sighed and her stomach extended as she let out a deep exhale, as her stomach extended she wrapped her arms tighter into herself trying to make herself as full as possible and fully comfort herself. 

“How are you feeling though, about all of that? You never talk about Z for anyone, and then you kissed her. Just, what are you thinking?” Chris was good at this, switching between a joking ass of an older brother to concerned and protective. His eyes were still focused on Ashlyn and never left her as she shifted in her seat. She was having trouble staying still and she continued to fidget, weather it was playing with her fingernails until they bled, picking at her chapped lips or constantly moving around. 

“I honestly don’t know. She said something weird to me right before we kissed. She said that she knew I loved her.” Ashlyn said this and felt like crying again. But her eyes were dry and heavy again. 

“Well, do you?” Chris said, his face blank.

“I don’t know.” Ashlyn said, honestly. She shifted back in her chair and let her legs relax and fall back to the ground, she ruffled her hair back before she crossed her arms over her chest. “I care for her, I know that. This is all just confusing.” She nodded to herself. She looked back into Chris’ eyes and saw that his expression had changed, right as she noticed this she hard the porch door sliding behind her. 

“Hey Chris.” Ali said as she stepped onto the porch. She was in a pair of gym shorts and her oversized shirt she had worn to bed the night before. Chris nodded in her direction and smiled at Ali. She sat next to Ashlyn on the patio furniture and planted her back against the bench, facing Ashlyn head on. Her face still carried traces of sleep in it, her eyes were heavy after just being woken up and from crying last night, and the rest of her face appeared to be rather puffy. Her hair was knotted on the top of her head again in a loose bun. She looked exhausted, but she didn’t look unhappy. She held her hands around her mug of coffee and Ashlyn noticed a shiver that ran up her spine and watched as Ali’s knuckles turned white around the mug as she clenched it harder. The wind was blowing, and Ashlyn shifted part of the blanket that was covering her legs and offered half of it to Ali, with a tilt of her head. Ali smiled and took the signal to scoot closer to Ashlyn and cover her legs with the blanket. She wasn’t touching Ashlyn but the inches between them were electric. 

“Okay, I have to go to work but I’m off tonight so I’ll be home for dinner. I’ll see you two pretty ladies then.” He said as he stood up and hugged Ali, who gave him a weak one armed hug. He then leaned over and kissed the top of Ashlyn’s head before nudging her in the shoulder. “Text me if you need anything, both of you.” He said winking at Ali, before he slid the porch door shut. The two sat there for a few minutes, the silence was murky, but not dark. Neither of them wanted to be the first to speak, but neither of them wanted to remain in the silence. They sat there, and sipped their mugs and watched as the wind blew the trees in Ashlyn’s back yard. Another stronger wind blew, and both Ali and Ashlyn shivered at the same time. Ali pulled the blanket around her knees tighter and closed the gap between them and leaned into Ashlyn’s side, her head rested on Ashlyn’s shoulder, Ali let out a deep sigh and they both relaxed. The air felt calmer between them with this gesture and Ashlyn felt the heaviness lift a little.

“It’s okay that you talked to me.” Ali said. She didn’t look at Ashlyn and she didn’t move from the position. Ashlyn could feel Ali pressed against her and could feel every breath that Ali was talking, and Ashlyn felt her breath matching with Ali’s. She closed her eyes and felt each breath and how it was affecting her body, how her chest would rise and fall, and how Ali’s stomach would react at the same time. She opened her eyes and watch the trees sway in the wind again, the sun wasn’t rising like it normally does, instead thick dark clouds were covering the sky. 

“I know. I’m trying to tell myself that.” Ashlyn said, her eyes were fixed on the moving clouds, she was identifying more with the dark clouds than she was really comfortable with. She gripped her mug and felt the heat with her fingertips, and even though it was starting to get uncomfortable, she didn’t want to move her hand, it stopped her brain from swimming for a second. “I don’t know why it’s hard for me to talk to people sometimes, or why it’s hard for me to get out of my own head. Logically, it makes sense. But I just can’t. I know you won’t hurt me, but it’s still hard for me to believe.It’s hard for me to commit to someone again.” Ashlyn said, her fingers still pushing on the mug, the heat moving up her hands, and her eyes never left the clouds in front of her. She felt Ali move next to her, and her eyes squinted when she realized that Ali wasn’t stoping, she tilted her head and saw that Ali was silently laughing. “What?” Ashlyn said, as she looked over at Ali, who was still laughing at a silent joke.

“You make it seem like I’m asking you to get married, I haven’t even asked you to date me, Ash.” Ali said with a laugh in her voice, her eyes were illuminated and her nose was crinkled, her eyes locked with Ashlyn’s for a second, showing she wasn’t laughing out of meanness. Ashlyn felt her ears burn with embarrassment and she tore her eyes away from Ali’s and looked down into her half full coffee mug. She could almost see her reflection in the mostly black coffee, and she felt grateful that she couldn’t see how red her face was at this moment, for she was sure that it was blotchy and scarlet. 

“Oh. I mean. I thought. I’m sorry.” Ashlyn said, mumbling. She continued to look down into her coffee and she felt Ali’s hand wind around her arm, her fingers settling around her forearm. Her fingers were cold and Ashlyn squeezed tighter around her mug. Ali wasn’t laughing anymore, but the air wasn’t awkward between the two, it was comfortable.

“This doesn’t have to be hard, whatever this is between us. That’s why we are so connected, it’s easy, and it’s always been easy.” Ali said, her head buried deeper into Ashlyn’s arms and she sighed. “Friendship is all I want for right now, until you’re ready for something more. I’m not going to push you. I care about you Ashlyn, and I don’t even know why I care about you so much, I just do. We’re connected, we knew it the first time we met, and as long as we’re friends I’m okay with that.” Ali had pulled away from Ashlyn, but held onto her arm. Her eyes were attempting to look into Ashlyn’s and her fingers applied a light pressure on her arms, and Ashlyn was aware of every place that Ali was touching and looking at her. She looked at the brooding clouds and the wind blowing the trees and thought of her stomach churning to the same rhythm of the trees bending against the wind and her head as cloudy as the sky. 

“I’m tired.” Ashlyn sighed, she closed her eyes with this statement and felt as though she was still seeing the clouds in front of her, her brain trying to detangle herself and her eyes feeling like there were bricks on top of them. Ali’s fingers pressed silent patterns into her arms. 

“I know, I’m tired too. I didn’t sleep well last night.” Ali said, her eyes were turned downward and she was looking at Ashlyn’s almost non existent fingernails and scabbed cuticles. Her eyes were tracing over each of the fingers, but she didn’t move her hand from Ashlyn’s arms.

“I don’t mean that kind of tired. I mean, I’m sleepy too. But Ali, I’m tired. I just feel like I am stuck in this weird monotonous rut that I haven’t been able to get out of since Z and I broke up. It sounds so petty putting it into words, but I just feel anxious all the time and worried all the time and I don’t feel safe anywhere. And I’m tried of feeling this way. When I first met you, it was one of the first times that I didn’t feel this way anymore and it scared me. I don’t have to fake anything around you. And I’m scared about that. I’m scared to trust people.” Ashlyn had shifted her entire body as she was speaking and now her legs were completely curled under her and she was leaning onto Ali’s shoulder. She was tired, she was in a weird rut and she was sick of it. But she was scared of how Ali made her feel and scared to trust this feeling. She was even more scared that she was being this open with Ali, when she had never had the chance to before. 

“I know you are. I wish I could tell you to blindly trust me, but I can’t. But I’m waiting for you, okay? I won’t pull any more stunts like I did yesterday to get under your skin. It’s easy between us, and that’s okay.” Ali reached down and brushed her lips across the top of Ashlyn’s head, which didn’t even make Ashlyn’s body shiver or twitch, instead she just melted even more. They sat there for a while watching the wind blow and let their coffee cool. The silence was comfortable again and things felt easy for a moment and Ashlyn was almost tempted to let all of her senses give over to this ease. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Whenever Ashlyn had emotional breakdowns like the night before, it took her a while before she felt like she could function properly again. Ali seemed to understand that and the two went back into a comfortable flow, at least as comfortable as it could be between the two of them. It had started raining late into the morning, and it had been pretty persistent through most of the day. The pitter patters were constant and were a reminder that the pair were restricted to the house for most of the day. Ashlyn didn’t mind, she was still processing. And processing made her anxious, but she was trying so hard to battle the anxiety for once, she was almost lost with what to do. Instead of ignoring it she was trying to look past it and she was trying to get past this block. The more she thought about it the more frustrated she was getting.

“What do I have to do to get you out of your head?” Ali asked? It was the middle of the day and neither of the two had changed out of the clothes that they had slept in. They had spent most of the day sitting in Ashlyn’s room, watching movies, neither of them talking very much or paying much attention. Ali had fallen in and out of sleep a few times during the day, which was really out of character for her, but while Ali was taking her cat naps, Ashlyn was wide awake, the wheels in her brain turning between things that seemed to not matter at all, and the only things that mattered. They had kept their distance from each other during the day, not cuddling or leaning on each other, but it’s what Ashlyn thought she needed in order to work through her mind.

“I don’t know.” She shrugged, they were sitting on her bed now, both leaning against the headboard, they each had their knees tucked into them and were watching some mindless movie that Ali had turned on. Ali stood up and walked towards the front of the room and started stretching, first sitting down and leaning in between her open legs. Ashlyn was still focusing on not watching the movie, but also was trying to avert her attention from Ali. Ali stood up and reached down and grabbed her toes. Ashlyn responded by throwing a tissue box at Ali’s butt that was in the air and rolling her eyes. Ali stood up and stuck her tongue out at Ashlyn. She grabbed the ponytail holder in her hair and let her hair tumble down her back as she exited Ashlyn’s room. Ashlyn saw her smile when she entered before she noticed anything else. Ali was standing on the tips of her toes and almost prancing into the room and her face was illuminated. She no longer looked tired or even emotional from the night before, clearly rejuvenated from her naps throughout the day. She reached over Ashlyn and turned off the computer and had a devious grin on her face. Ashlyn turned her eyes towards Ali who looked excited and noticed what she was holding in her hands which made a groan rise out of her throat.

“Where did you even find that?” Ashlyn asked as she turned her face into a small pout, which made Ali giggle. She looked at the pink photo album in Ali’s hands, it had a cloth checkered print cover with a huge bow on the front. There was some sort of horrid bear decal on the front where it was holding balloons. Ashlyn had seen her baby book so many times she practically had it memorized, but now she was almost mortified that Ali had found that in her house. 

“Chris was pretty clear to tell me where it was the other night. He told me that I had to make you show it to me.” Her voice was happy, and though this was clearly a plan to distract Ashlyn, it was going to work and Ashlyn knew it. She didn’t even have time to protest before Ali was shuffling through the first few pages, the book settled in-between her open legs. Ashlyn shifted so she could see over Ali’s shoulder. Ali was almost cooing over the pictures and Ashlyn had to strain herself not to roll her eyes.

“Okay okay that’s enough” Ashlyn said as she reached over Ali’s shoulder and tried to grab the book out of Ali’s lap. Ali swatted her hand away and continued to look at the pictures.

“You were a grumpy baby!” Ali said with her smile on her face. Ashlyn was trying not to groan at the picture that Ali had in front of her. It was a picture where Ashlyn must have only been a few months old, she was on the beach in a swimsuit and a hat that was tied under her chubby baby chin, her cheeks almost overflowing out of the hat. Her eyes were narrowed and her mouth was in a straight line, and she did almost look grumpy in the picture.

“Hey, I’m sure that it was a long day, and I mean with that hat who wouldn’t be grumpy?” Ashlyn said, but Ali had almost a maniacal laugh as she turned the page and started going through more pictures of the same day of Ashlyn at the beach, all of which she had the same expression on her face whether she was playing in the sand with her dad, or if her mom was trying to lead her into the water. Ali’s laughter was almost uproarious when there was a picture of a young Chris maybe four years old who was covering a baby Ashlyn in sand. Ashlyn would grumble occasionally as Ali turned the pages going through Ashlyn’s childhood.   
“Ashlyn Harris, is that a dress?” Ali said, there was a picture of Ashlyn in front of the house that they were staying in now, at about five years old, with a huge toothy grin on her face, her blonde curls pulled back into pig tails, holding a lunch box in both of her hands, with a blue dress on. Ali was cackling at the picture before she looked up and winked at Ashlyn, to show she was kidding.

“It was the first day of kindergarten, I had to look my best!” Ashlyn said, almost defensively but was still joking. Ali was working her way through Ashlyn’s childhood, and the intimacy of this act wasn’t something that crossed Ashlyn’s mind until Ali had gone through all the pages of the book, seeing pictures of Ashlyn playing soccer at age six, sitting on Santa’s lap at age four, on an egg hunt at age 8 and learning how to surf at age 10. 

“You were so cute!” Ali said as she closed the book and sat it on Ashlyn’s bed. Her eyes were illuminated and she had a smile on her face. Seeing her face this bright made the clouds that were in Ashlyn’s head and stomach clear at least a little bit. “And I mean, I guess you’re alright now.” Ali said, shrugging and looking up with grin on her face. 

“I have always been adorable, what are you talking about!” Ashlyn said flicking Ali’s hand and pretending to be offended. Ali smiled and grabbed Ashlyn’s hand that she had just flicked her with and looked into Ashlyn’s eyes. She intertwined her fingers with Ashlyn’s and didn’t break eye contact with her.

“You know I already love you, right?” Ali said. Ashlyn felt the urge to blink away, but wouldn’t let herself do it. She felt tears pooling in her tired eyes and was trying to push them back, she was sick of crying. She was waiting for her stomach to cloud or for everything to start mixing in her brain, but they didn’t. She wasn’t nervous and she wasn’t upset. “I don’t mean I’m in love with you, but I care about you and every part of you, okay?” Ali said. She was entirely genuine with this statement and her face never faltered, and her eyes were steady.

“I’ve never told anyone but her that I’ve loved them before, except for maybe Chris.” Ashlyn said. She held Ali’s glance and didn’t move. It was the truth. She didn’t know that she could feel this way for other people. But she was certain that she loved Ali, and she was certain she was falling for her. She just didn’t know if she could let herself.


	13. Chapter 13

It rained all of the next day, Ashlyn and Ali took advantage of the weather to work on a some homework they had put off for the entirety of the break and on a group project they had been assigned for their German class. It wasn’t an overly strenuous day emotionally for either one of them, which was a nice break for them both. They didn’t talk about anything with much depth, but they were able to be comfortable in silence with one another again, which was a big relief to Ashlyn. Ali didn’t push much of anything on Ashlyn, and Ashlyn didn’t feel pressured to do anything, they felt connected again and comfortable around one another, easy and simple, how it had always been between them.

Ashlyn felt the sunlight the next day before she saw it. She felt it warm on her forearms and on her face as she pulled her eyes awake. Her bedside clock blinked 7:45 and she heard birds celebrating the break of rain just past her window. She was warm, she was covered in blankets up to her waist and had Ali’s arms wrapped around her, Ali’s head resting on her shoulder and Ashlyn silently moved out of the bed and watch Ali’s form shift to fill the space in the bed. Ashlyn stripped to a sports bra and shorts and pushed her earphones in her ears, she didn’t want to think on her run this morning. She knew Ali wouldn’t be upset that she left her out on the run this morning, Ali had been pretty good about giving Ashlyn her space for the past couple of days and Ashlyn really appreciated it. She didn’t pace herself this morning, and sprinted for a good part of her run until her whole body was sore, she had classical music blaring in her ears as loud as it could go and felt her chest rise and fall with the measures. Her calves were burning with the pressure that was being put on them, and her skin was burning all over. The weather cooled down a bit with the rain, and with the pace she was running, her skin couldn’t find an equilibrium and was burning all over. By the time she ended up in front of her house she was clinging to her sides as hard as she possibly could and couldn’t catch her breath. She opened and closed her front door as she entered her house and quickly walked to her back porch, where she laid on the patio furniture and tried to catch her breath and cool off. Her legs and stomach were tingling all over with the run and she was almost dizzy. As though someone was reading her mind, she grunted as a bottle of water hit her directly in the stomach, and moaned as she turned over and saw Ali curl into the patio chair next to her. 

“Nice run?” Ali grinned at Ashlyn, who was still laid out, her lungs pumping in air at almost an embarrassing quickness. Ashlyn tried to hide how out of breath she was in front of Ali, suddenly embarrassed at how out of breath she was. Ashlyn sat up and nodded as she unscrewed the cap off of the bottle of water and chugged it all down in one intake. She exhaled quickly as soon as she finished and sat the bottle down next to her on the patio couch. She felt less dizzy now, but knew that she had to stretch or she would regret it later. She stood up and bent over, feeling the tingling in her thighs lessen as she stretched and heard Ali groan. “Always teasing me, aren’t you?” Ali said, Ashlyn looked up and saw Ali had her tongue stuck between her teeth with a wide smile on her face. Ashlyn didn’t respond any more than just rolling her eyes and leaning all the way over to her side, stretching her hips.

“Want to try the beach again today? It’s supposed to warm up, and you’re loosing a bit of your glow there, Miss Krieger.” Ashlyn said as she sat back down on the couch and pulled her legs into her. Her skin was still a little red between the heat of her run and the coolness from outside, but she had caught her breath and her body was calming down again. Ali didn’t just roll her eyes at Ashlyn, it was more like she rolled her entire body at Ashlyn’s comment, her shoulders rolling in exasperation. 

“Yes, sure, I guess, we can try the beach again.” Ali said, pretending not to be enthusiastic. “I still have a swim suit to try out on the cute beach boys.” She said with a laugh in her voice. As she said this Ashlyn’s whole body tensed up and her face deepened into a scowl, she didn’t look at Ali when she pulled her legs up in her lap and tucked her face into her knees. 

“I’m sorry, that wasn’t nice, I didn’t mean it.” Ali said, Ashlyn still didn’t look up as Ali crossed the patio and sat next to Ashlyn and started poking her in the side, making Ashlyn squirm a little, but still not looking at Ali. “I’m teasingggg, I’m sorry. I promised, no more stunts, I mean it. I’m all yours today.” Ali said. Ashlyn peaked one eye up at Ali who was grinning again and gave an exaggerated wink at Ashlyn and giggled and continued to poke Ashlyn in the side until Ashlyn squirmed enough that she was looking Ali in the eye and finally giggled at the tickling. 

“Okay, stop!” Ashlyn said as she swatted Ali’s hands away. “Fine, we’ll go to the beach!” she scooted away from Ali’s tickling hands and kicked at her with her feet while Ali continued to poke at her. 

“Do I get to go, or is it lesbos only?” Ali and Ashlyn looked up at the porch door as it opened and Chris slid through, holding a bowl of cereal and plopping himself down into the chair that Ali had just vacated. Ashlyn stuck her tongue out at him while Ali simultaneously flipped him off. “Sweet, good thing I packed a swim suit.” He grinned as he shoveled Lucky Charms into his mouth. 

“Don’t you have to work today or something?” Ashlyn said while she continued to swat Ali’s hands away from her sides. “Al, stop!” Ashlyn said as she continued to kick at Ali, who just giggled even more. 

“Can’t a bro hang out with his only sibling on her last day in town? And her weirdly attractive but off limits friend?” Chris said as he laughed at his own joke. “Okay I took the day off because I know how much you miss me at school so I want to bond with you and your friend, who is not at all attractive?” Chris said, trying again. This time Ashlyn took of her shoe and kicked it at Chris, who almost dumped his bowl of milk on the ground as he ducked to avoid it. 

“A little bit better of an answer.” Ali said shrugging at Chris, but smiling in his direction so he knew that she was kidding. Ashlyn stood up and kicked her other shoe off and kicked Chris in the shins for good measure as she walked into the kitchen and made herself a bowl of cereal and walked back out onto the patio and sat criss cross on the bench while she listened to Chris and Ali banter back and fourth about one thing or another, rolling her eyes at the appropriate person whenever they said and scoffing at Ali when she said that she wanted a tattoo. 

“Why are you scoffing! I do!” Ali said defensively towards Ashlyn. 

“Okay princess.” Ashlyn said as she chewed her cereal slowly. She looked over at Ali, whose eyes were begging for an explanation, Ashlyn swallowed and cleared her throat.   
“I don’t know, I just don’t see you with one, I don’t know if you can take the pain.” Ashlyn slumped her shoulders and continued eating.

“I don’t know, she’s probably tougher than she looks.” Chris said, reaching his fist out for Ali to bump it, she smiled and gladly obliged. 

“What would you want to get?” Ashlyn asked looking over at Ali, leaning her back against the bench and facing Ali head on. 

“I think maybe Kyle’s name somewhere on me, even if that sounds lame, he just means a lot to me.” Ali said, she looked down at her hands, and Ashlyn studied her face, realizing that she was being incredible intimate and serious about this. 

“I think about getting this losers name tattooed on me sometimes, but then, I look at him.” Ashlyn said grinning with a mouth full of food towards Chris, who responded by throwing his used spoon towards Ashlyn. “But that would be cool, if you are serious and want me to go with you, I’ll hold your hand.” Ashlyn said, feeling braver and winking towards Ali. She didn’t even blush this time. 

They spent the morning like this, talking and teasing one another on the patio, enjoying the sunshine for the first time in a few days and enjoying the last few days of being together. Ashlyn was already feeling a little anxious about going back to Texas and back to school, but she was happy to spend the last day with Chris. Eventually Ali wandered upstairs to take a shower, leaving Chris and Ashlyn alone to talk for a little while. 

“You really like her.” Chris said, looking Ashlyn directly in the eye. Who just shrugged and adjusted her legs in front of her, she had pushed herself in a weird way on her run this morning and her legs were weirdly tense. She stretched her toes forward and stretched her shins.

“We’re not dating.” Was all she said not looking at chris. She leaned back again and crossed her arms over her chest, though she continued to pick at her hidden hands.

“I know, but she seems like a good catch. I’m just sayin’, baby sis could do way worse.” He said smiling at her. As he said this, Ashlyn’s stomach started to drop, she was already starting to miss him though they hadn’t left yet. “And she digs you, but what are you going to do when you get back to school?” Ashlyn chewed her lip and thought about the answer, slowly picking the skin off of her lower lip and feeling the cracks underneath her tongue. 

“Go back to being friends, I don’t know.” Ashlyn said, she felt Chris’ eyes on her but she knew better than to look at him, he could read her better than she could read herself.

“That’s not what you want.” Chris said. It wasn’t a question. Ashlyn didn’t argue. It’s not what she wanted, but it’s what she could handle right now. She stood up and kicked at Chris again as she made her way upstairs, her bedroom door was closed so she took the opportunity to take a shower. She rushed through it, rather than letting the shower untangle her. She honestly didn’t want Ali and Chris to spend too much time alone, because she had a feeling that the two could somehow get into trouble without adult supervision, so when she padded downstairs in a pair of basketball shorts and a teeshirt she felt like she had walked in the middle of a conversation that was about her. The pair had moved to the living room and immediately quieted when she walked into the room. 

“Who died?” She said as she threw herself on the couch, laying out on top of Chris who moaned and squirmed and tried to move her off of him, but she laughed and persisted by putting more of her weight on him while he attempted to wrestle her off of him. Ali was giggling watching the pair and Ashlyn felt really truly at home with both of them there. She yelped when Chris tickled behind her knees. 

“I’m done with both of you trying to tickle me!” She exclaimed as she straightened herself up on the couch, she saw Ali and Chris exchange a glance and noticed Ali try to stifle a giggle. She knew she was going to have to ask questions later. 

“So, beach now?” Ali asked with a smile on her face. 

“Sounds good, this is probably the last time I’ll get to go before next spring, same for you pale face” he nodded at Ashlyn. “What do you think, should we try to teach Ali how to surf today?” his eyes were illuminated with what appeared to be sheer childhood excitement. Ashlyn nodded excitedly and looked over at Ali who suddenly looked nervous.

“You can’t possibly be nervous at the idea of water, miss “I want to get a tattoo!”” Ashlyn said mimicking Ali who suddenly looked defensive. 

“I never said no to surfing! I just. Never done it before...” Ali said, trailing off, Ashlyn just giggled at Ali who was definitely blushing at this point. She was flustered and Ashlyn couldn’t help but find it adorable. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The group packed up and were in Ashlyn’s jeep with surf boards on top within the next hour. They made their way to the same spot that Ashlyn and Ali had camped out the other day and laid down towels and a cooler. Ali wasn’t as quick to strip off her clothes this time and instead took off her shorts and sat on the same towel next to Ashlyn and leaned into her, her arm linked around Ashlyn’s. Ashlyn saw Chris raise an eyebrow in her direction but stripped off his shirt and sit down next to them. He opened up the cooler that he had packed and pulled out a beer, and offered one to each of the girls. Ashlyn took one but Ali declined.

“Alcohol before you strap me to a piece of wood and expect me to stay steady on top of water?” Was all Ali said as she shook her head.

“Of course not, we totally expect you to bust your ass.” Ashlyn said laughing out-loud as she sipped the beer. Ali just rolled her eyes and shoved into Ashlyn’s side who almost took a spit take of beer on Ali. “Hey!” Was all she said when she looked up at Ali, who was outwardly laughing, and had stripped off her shirt and was running towards the water. She looked back at Ashlyn with an expectant look, who shrugged and put down the beer and stripped off her clothes and chased after Ali. Ali had made it to the water first and was waiting in knee deep water for Ashlyn to splash towards her, as soon as she did Ali took a handful of water and splashed it as hard as she could towards Ashlyn, who held up her hands to try to avoid the water, without much avail. She looked at Ali with an open mouthed expression and Ali took the opportunity to splash Ashlyn again, this time she was greeted with a mouthful of salt water. Ali had reverted back into the 8 year old version of herself and was not giving up any time soon. Ashlyn spat out the water and pressed towards Ali walking careful in the sand. She splashed towards Ali who just grinned and reached out her hand towards Ashlyn, who grabbed it. Much to her disdain Ali had completely pulled her underwater, Ashlyn could still hear her laughing underwater, and when she emerged with her sunglasses askew completely drenched, she had never seen Ali with a more pleased expression on her face. At this point they were in waist deep water and were splashing one another as much as they possibly could and as fast as they could, as though they were toddlers, instead of adults. Ashlyn emerged from underwater again before she felt weight on her back and felt bare legs snake around her waist, suddenly her stomach dropped when she realized Ali was completely on her back with her arms loosely around Ashlyn’s neck and her legs squeezing Ashlyn’s hips as hard as possible. Ashlyn flailed her arms behind her, trying to tickle Ali or splash Ali, but Ali just continued the pressure into Ashlyn’s back which was driving her crazy. Ali reached one arm down and squeezed Ashlyn’s hip with her hand, which made Ashlyn squeal uncharacteristically. She then leaned forward and bit Ashlyn’s earlobe, which made Ashlyn’s whole body explode and made her squeal again, and she heard Ali giggle at this. Ashlyn didn’t know how else to respond to this but to dunk both her and Ali underwater until she felt Ali detangle herself around her. They both emerged and Ali had a huge grin on her face and held her hands in the air, showing a sign of surrender and moved towards Ashlyn. She got as close as humanly possible to Ashlyn and wrapped her legs around her again, but this time facing Ashlyn, her smile just as large as it was before.

“You do not play fair.” Ashlyn said, fake scowling in Ali’s direction. Ali’s grin never faltered as she raised a hand and tucked a lock of Ashlyn’s hair behind her ear.

“I never said I would, I just said no more stunts. But I do enjoy making you squeal.” Ali said, her eyes lighting up, and her smile taking up her entire face as Ashlyn blushed even deeper. Ali leaned her head on Ashlyn’s shoulder and let Ashlyn hold her for a second, and though the two had just been playing around, just as quickly they were really peaceful. Ashlyn felt calm, holding Ali in the ocean for a second, and even though there were people all around them, Ashlyn felt like Ali was the only person there with her. “One day I’m going to make you squeal in a totally different way.” Ali said into Ashlyn’s ear. She whispered, even though no one around them could hear. Her breath on Ashlyn’s ear and her body this close to Ashlyn’s, was rocking Ashlyn’s body with the waves in a different way, and she tried not to let her face show exactly what she was thinking. 

“You’re bad.” She said back to Ali, who just grinned and ran her hand down the side of Ashlyn’s face and kissed her forehead softly, Ashlyn closed her eyes for a second and only concentrated on the warmth of Ali’s lips on her forehead and the warmth filled her entire body. They both turned their heads like obedient puppies when they heard Chris wolf whistle towards the two of them and waving his hands asking them to come back to shore. Ali climbed down off of Ashlyn but entangled her fingers with hers instead and they walked back to Chris hand and hand.

The surfing lesson was less than stellar, and it was not a sport that Ali took to naturally, but she made it through like a champ, taking many spills along the way, and Ashlyn knew her legs were going to look pretty battered in the morning. Even without Ali being a star pupil, the group still had fun on the beach together, drinking beer, kicking around a soccer ball or Ali determined to actually stand on the board for five seconds without falling. One thing was different than their trip to the beach the other day, Ali did not leave Ashlyn’s side the entire time, and proved to stay true to her promise that she wasn’t playing with Ashlyn’s feelings, which made Ashlyn feel even more at home than she had before. It was what she thought was a perfect day, with Ali and Chris and she was starting to feel homesick before she had even left.

The group had trucked back to the house and cleaned up quickly before they made their way out to dinner with Ashlyn’s parents. Ashlyn’s parents had insisted on taking them out for their last night in Florida, and Ali took the opportunity to dress up. She had on a flow-y sundress and her hair cascaded down her back. She didn’t have on any make up but her face glowed with the sun that she had gotten that day and took Ashlyn’s breath away by just entering the room. Ashlyn had settled on just a pair of skinny jeans and a dark v neck and let her hair down, she had also gotten a few new freckles and a hint of a tan, and was glowing by the happiness that she felt. Dinner was bitter sweet, Ashlyn’s parents cooed over Ashlyn, Ali and Chris the whole time and Ali and Chris continued their banter the whole time and it was a good closing meal for the trip. The family got home late and exchanged goodnights as her parents made their way to bed, and Chris kissed Ashlyn and Ali each on the cheek before he arranged to pick them up in the morning before their flight. 

Ali held Ashlyn’s hand as they made their way upstairs towards Ashlyn’s room, and didn’t let go until she started packing her suitcase, setting aside clothes for the next day. Ashlyn watched her pack with almost a sadness in her eyes. This trip had been an emotional journey for her, but she was sad to see it end. Ali exited the room and Ashlyn took this as a cue to start packing her suitcase, following Ali’s direction and leaving out the clothes she was going to wear the next day. Ali re-entered the room wearing a cami and a pair of striped boyshort underwear, and Ashlyn had to try not to audibly inhale when she saw her.

“You just keep wearing less and less clothes, don’t you?” Ashlyn said, shaking her head towards Ali who was crawling into Ashlyn’s bed into her “spot” that she had acclaimed over the past few days. Ashlyn heard Ali giggle and she stripped down to her underwear, and she stared at her suitcase for a second, she racked her mind for a second before she removed the v neck she had on, to reveal a sports bra underneath before she hid a snicker and crawled into bed next to Ali. 

“You’re one to talk. You might as well just sleep naked.” Ali said, her eyes were dark, and avoiding Ashlyn’s gaze. Ashlyn felt pride swell through her body as she saw how flustered Ali was. But as quickly as her courage came, she quickly hid underneath the blankets and tried not to blush. She was never this forward with people and it made her happy and simultaneously made her want to throw up. They pulled out their nightly ritual of a mindless movie played on Ali’s laptop while they fell asleep. Ashlyn’s arm was around Ali’s waist and her fingers quickly brushed the skin between Ali’s tank top and her underwear before she felt her whole body break into a gentle sweat. She got to nervous to do anything but let her fingers pitter patter across the soft skin. Ali sighed beneath her and settled into Ashlyn’s frame.

“You’re a tease. But I’m going to miss sleeping with you.” Ali said, her voice heavy with sleep.

“I mean, you can.. It’s... Me too.” Ashlyn stammered. She didn’t want this to be the last night of their vacation, and she wanted to soak up every second she had with Ali, and she didn’t want to be the last time she had Ali pressed against her, in her bed. Ali grabbed Ashlyn’s hand and kissed between each of her knuckles before she gave into sleep. Ashlyn knew that Ali understood what she was trying to say, but that didn’t make her any less nervous.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is a fluff filler. Please love me.

Ashlyn hated goodbyes, she felt like she was bad at them, but mostly she hated goodbyes with her brother. Her and Chris hugged in front of the airport for an inordinate amount of time, this time he didn’t even tease her about it, and instead just pulled Ashlyn in deeper into him. 

“You’ll come home for Thanksgiving soon” He said as the pulled away. Ashlyn nodded and gave him a sad smile and turned her head away from him, he reached down and placed a peck on the top of her head before turning to Ali.

“Now you, miss thang, treat my sister right. You might be feisty, but I’m not afraid to kick your ass.” he said with a wink as he pulled Ali into a tight hug. Ashlyn saw Ali grin into his shoulder and punch him in the arm as they pulled away. She swung her hand into Ashlyn’s as they both waved away Chris who turned and walked to his car. Ashlyn felt a pang of sadness in her stomach that she tried to push away and ignore. Ali rubbed circles across her knuckles with her thumb in order to console her and offered a small smile to her as the two headed to security. They went through the same pattern that they did on their way to Florida, but this time instead of excited chatter, it was just a comfortable silence between the two of them. Ali wasn’t high maintenance on this plane ride back, she still held Ashlyn’s hand tightly as they took off, moved the arm rest between them so she could cuddle into Ashlyn, and held her hand the entire time, but mostly remained silent while they listened to music between them. Ashlyn pulled her hand upwards to play with Ali’s hair while they long plane ride continued, and let a comfortable smile fall onto her space. The trip was a lot of things, emotionally exhausting, fun, and relaxing. But now, Ashlyn was at a weird place in her mind, where she didn’t know where to go from here, or what she wanted from Ali or where she wanted to go. All she knew was how much she liked Ali’s body pressed against hers right now and how incredibly nervous that made her. She thought back to how well Ali and Chris got along when they were at home, and how it made her stomach flutter. She was a mess, and she knew it. She sighed and let her hand rest on the top of Ali’s hand, her fingers still laced in the dark waves. 

“Everything okay?” Ali said, pulling an ear bud out of her ear, she tilted her head up looking into Ashlyn’s eyes, her own eyes were light and inviting, telling of a restful vacation. 

“Just thinking about midterms this week.” Ashlyn said her voice a little heavy, she saw Ali’s eyes drop a little, it was evident that she was lying, but Ali wouldn’t push her, and Ashlyn knew this well enough.

“That’s right, I’ve barely studied! You’re a bad influence on me!” Ali said as she nudged Ashlyn which brought a smile to her face. “But I don’t mind, this weekend was great.” Ali said with a smile, her eyes still locked with Ashlyn’s. “And you know, that dimple makes it hard for me to even pretend to be mad at you.” Ashlyn blushed a little and turned her eyes away from Ali just a little, but when she turned back she saw that Ali had a wide smile with her tongue sticking between her teeth, she playfully swatted at Ali’s hair, which only resulted in Ali nuzzling against Ashlyn, almost fully reclined in that seat. Ashlyn pointed it out when they were first meeting each other, but this girl did have a habit of making herself at home, and Ashlyn loved that about her. 

The flight attendant made the landing announcement but they didn’t adjust their position much, Ali still reclining into Ashlyn, but lacing their fingers together in preparation for landing. Ashlyn was already anticipating the squeeze of her hand when they touched down, but with Ali, she didn’t mind. 

“I’m glad you really hit it off with Chris.” Ashlyn said not too loudly, it was more of a thought that escaped her mind and wandered out of her mouth. Ali brought Ashlyn’s hand up to her mouth and kissed the back of her hand, softly and surely. Ashlyn’s mind starting swimming the second this happened, as usual. 

“He’s a really cool dude, and provided me with some great input on things.” Ali said nonchalantly, her thumb tracing patterns over Ashlyn’s fingers again. “And I knew how important he was to you, but I’m glad we got along, and now that I have his number, I can always let him know when you’re being a pain in my ass.” Ali said, her eyes playful again, locking with Ashlyn ,who responded by rolling her eyes before focusing them downward on Ali.

“What do you mean, “input on things” what did you two talk about?” Ashlyn asked, but even deep down, she knew that her asking this question was in vain, because Ali just shook her head and shut her eyes while she rested her head into Ashlyn’s chest. Ashlyn rolled her eyes at the girl and flicked the top of her head and laughed at the “ow” that escaped Ali’s lips. 

Kelley was there to pick them up in her car when they arrived at the airport with the rest of the crew in tow. Tobin and Alex practically leaped onto Ashlyn and Ali when they saw them exit the airport, and Kelley honked her horn to show her excitement, resulting in several dirty looks and grumbles from other travelers. The three girls all had a glow about them that was evident from spending a week in California with Alex’s family and were quick to exchange stories about Alex’s sisters and how nice her mom was. Ashlyn and Ali didn’t get a word in edgewise the whole way back to school, nor on the dinner that followed. Ashlyn was thankful for the distraction, and was almost happy to be able to keep her thoughts in her own head for the first time in almost a week. Ali contributed to the conversation of the group and nodded politely with each animated story Kelley told, rolled her eyes when it was appropriate with Tobin, and giggled quietly with Alex. Ashlyn knew that even though she would miss her home, she was feeling just at home with these girls as well. After dinner Kelley was almost bouncing off the walls, excited for the girls to kick the ball around with her like the normally did, and after a few complaints about jet lag, and studying she had convinced Ali and Ashlyn to play with her before they would retreat into mid term mode. 

“So, I promised Tobin I wouldn’t ask this because she keeps telling me it’s not my business, but she’ll forgive me...” Kelly said as her and Ali were playing keep away from one another, she was fast but whenever Ali got the ball she was almost unbeatable and would leave a red faced Kelley in her tracks. Ashlyn stood by the goal post waiting for one of them to take a shot, but was enticed by Kelley’s question. “Did you two finally hook up?” She asked as she shot right at Ashlyn, who was so taken aback by the blunt honesty, she completely missed it and let Kelley score. Ali spun around and locked eyes with Ashlyn for a second before she looked at Kelley.

“And here I thought Tobin was helping you with your manners!” Ali said jokingly kicking Kelley in the shins, who just shrugged and retrieved the ball from the goal and dribbled it between her legs for a second. 

“Can’t a girl be curious?” She asked. “I mean, I can almost cut the sexual tension between you two with a knife!” She made a slashing motion with her hands which made Ashlyn’s face grow even hotter. She didn’t talk about her personal life, she didn’t talk about things with people, and having Kelley so eager to assume things reminded Ashlyn just why she hated relationships, and hated feelings. Ali, who was slightly better in these situations quickly attacked and kicked the ball through Kelley’s legs before having the shorter girl chase her down the field while Ali used her newfound footwork to keep Kelley trying before she could get the ball back. Ali was trying to save Ashlyn, and Ashlyn was thankful, but was also still drowning in embarrassment, she had a few moments to think about what she wanted to tell Kelley, but the idea of the other girls gossiping about her made her even more uncertain about everything. She hadn’t even come out to them yet, and she didn’t know how they would take that, much less if she started dating Ali. She chewed her lip to the point where she could taste blood staring at the ground, she faintly heard shouting right as the ball hit her in the head.

She was seeing stars and hearing echos. She blinked hard a few times before shaking her head and was only faintly aware of Kelley pulling her into her chest and patting back her hair, and almost cooing in her direction. She hadn’t fallen, and she hadn’t been hit hard enough to be injured, but the ball hit her just enough that her ears were ringing and to make the two girls look at her with worried expressions. She rubbed the side of her face where the ball hit and felt the stitches of the soccer ball and knew that she would probably have a black eye tomorrow. 

“Guys I’m fine” She said as she pulled away from Kelley’s grip, who was still looking at her with concerned eyes and wouldn’t taking her hands away from Ashlyn, who was almost swatting them away at this point. Ali’s eyes were worried but her eyebrows relaxed a bit once she saw that Ashlyn wasn’t actually hurt. “Are you sure you aren’t a forward O’Hara, because man that was one hell of a kick.” she said joking which made Kelley’s face relax a little, but not enough to get her to stop petting Ashlyn, which was driving her almost insane at this point. 

“Kelley, she’s fine.” Ali said, pulling Kelley’s hands away from Ashlyn which made all three of them laugh. “Okay, now that Kelley has taken down our keeper, why don’t we go inside, because I don’t think you can procrastinate studying any longer.” She said with a pointed glare to Kelley. The three of them walked up towards the dorm while Kelley whined about her disdain for midterms and Ali shot worried glances back at Ashlyn every now and then. Ashlyn stared down at the ground and resisted touching her swelling face, and instead chewed on her torn lip. When they returned back to the room Ashlyn was relieved to see that Tobin and Alex had retreated to their rooms for studying, she didn’t want to explain the bruised eye just yet. She waved off Kelley while Ali followed her into her room. 

“Okay, so how is your face really?” Ali asked once the door was closed. Ashlyn gave a small smile before she grimaced at the motion, feeling the pull of bruised muscles in her face. “One second.” Ali said as she exited the room and re-entered moments later with a frozen water bottle in her hands. She dug through Ashlyn’s drawer and found an old teeshirt and wrapped the bottle in that. “Here, put this on your eye, and no complaining Miss tough guy.” Ali said with a wink as she handed it to Ashlyn.

“It really fucking hurts.” She said as she pushed the skin on the side of her face, feeling the soreness. 

“I know, she got you right in the eye” Ali said, her eyes still a little concerned. “You were really distracted though, because I’ve never seen you miss a ball like that.” Ali said, as she sat down next to Ashlyn, and started rubbling small comforting circles on her leg. 

“She just caught me off guard when she asked if we hooked up.” Ashlyn mummered, shrugging, not making eye contact with Ali again. 

“Why?” Ali asked, her question wasn’t rude or invasive, but more curious, as if she was trying to fully understand what Ashlyn was thinking. Ashlyn sighed and thought about brushing off the question.

“Because, I don’t talk about my personal life with people, even Alex and Tobin and Kelley. They are all great, but they just don’t know much about me, and I don’t know how much I want them to know.” Ashlyn said, she leaned back against the wall and readjusted her water bottle so it covered more of her face. She felt the ice numbing the sore muscles but it was still uncomfortable to the touch. She was definitely going to have a black eye tomorrow. Ali nodded and reached up and stroked Ashlyn’s uninjured cheek with her thumb, her eyes locked with Ashlyn.

“I told you I’m not going to rush you into anything, and I mean it.” Ali said before she lifted the frozen water bottle off of Ashlyn’s cheek and brushed her lips against the bruising skin. “You can tell people whatever you want whenever you want to tell them, or we can just leave it in Florida.” Ali said, her eyes a little sad. She pulled away from Ashlyn’s face and handed her back the frozen water bottle. “But I do have to study, I have a midterm tomorrow that I haven’t started studying for at all, but I’ll see you around.” Ali said she interlaced her fingers with Ashlyn and kissed the back of her hand again, before she pulled her fingers through her hair and exited the room.

Ashlyn laid back on the bed and felt her head scrambling again, as though it was some sort of breakfast item. She didn’t want to leave the connection her and Ali had made in Florida, but at the same time, she wasn’t even sure what was going on between the two of them. She closed her eyes and felt cold water trickle down her face and her neck while the skin swelled around her eye and cheek. She huffed out a puff of air and picked up her phone.

“So, am I dating Ali now?” was the text she sent Chris. Her phone buzzed back almost immediately. 

“No, but you two are going to have to discuss it, you can only run away from it for a while. And knowing Ali, she’ll force it out of you eventually.” Chris’ response wasn’t what Ashlyn wanted, but at this moment, she wasn’t fully aware of what exactly she wanted in any form. She decided that the best way to deal with her mixed thoughts was to ignore them and study for finals like everyone else had decided to do.


	15. Chapter 15

The next week was a mess, and Ashlyn was regretting not having mandated study hours over fall break. She was a good student, but even with that she still felt underprepared going into her midterms or writing her papers, even though she breezed through them. She spent the week either in her room studying, at work, or in class and barely had time for anyone between. Even Ali. Especially Ali. She wasn’t avoiding her, per-say. The occasion just hadn’t arisen where they two could sit down and hash out their feelings. Which Ashlyn was more than okay with. She was almost happy to have midterms as a distraction for a while, and it was easy for her to settle into the flow of working and studying in order to get away from the over emotional week that was Fall Break. She had been replying to Ali’s text messages mostly with one word responses and had been polite to her every time they had run into each other on campus, but it was a complete turn from cuddling in Ashlyn’s bed every night and even the kiss that they shared. Every time Ashlyn slowed down, her brain would linger on the vacation and how she felt about Ali, and every time this happened she ended up ripping off her finger nails and almost chewing a hole in her lip. Her stomach tightened and continued to perform an olympic gymnastic routine, every time she caught a sent of Ali or thought about holding her close again. Rather than dealing with that, she threw her mind into her studies and settled into completing ignoring her problems and her thoughts. 

She woke up early Friday morning. She had one last paper to edit and turn in, and one final midterm and then she was done with the first half of the semester and her load would lighten at least a little bit. She had been blowing off her morning runs with Ali since they arrived back in Texas, feigning the excuse of midterms, but she missed her stress reliever. Even though she should probably be studying for her test or re-editing her paper she found herself pulling on a clean sports bra and teeshirt and lacing her tennis shoes. She paced herself on her run and timed her steps with the classical music that was blaring out of her headphones. She counted each step she took and enjoyed the tugging of her muscles, already tired from taking over a week off. She enjoyed her labored breathing and how she could feel her chest expanding, and she even enjoyed feeling her calves and thighs tingle. By the time she finished her run she was feeling her body ache and walked through the entrance of her dorm. 

“ow” She heard, along with the crashing of books. Ashlyn pulled her ear buds out of her ears and found herself making eye contact with a smiling Ali, who was half crouched over picking up her small mountain of books that Ashlyn had toppled over. 

“So you didn’t completely fall off the face of the earth!” Ali said as she straightened up and nudged Ashlyn’s shin with her shoe. Ashlyn could tell she wasn’t offended by the light in her eyes, but it made her stomach sink all the less. 

“I just... midterms. I’ve been really busy.” Ashlyn said as she shrugged and put her eyes towards the ground. She scuffed the ground with the toe of her shoe to avoid Ali’s burning glance that was already making the knot in her stomach attempt to rotate. 

“But you’re done after today right? I get to have my partner in crime back?” Ali sad, adjusting the pile of books from her hands to the crook of her elbow. She kicked Ashlyn again softly which made Ashlyn avert her glance upwards. Ashlyn nodded and locked eyes with Ali, but had already started grating her lips between her teeth. “that’s good! Me too!” Ali said “I miss you.” Her voice lowered, and Ashlyn felt the knot in her stomach start to pulsate. She was suddenly aware of the thin layer of sweat covering her face and her body and the whisps of hair surrounding her face. 

“I know, me too. I’m sorry.” Ashlyn forced out as she took a break from chewing on her lip. 

“Make it up to me, go to the party with me tonight?” Ali said her eyes still light, Ashlyn saw the little crinkle around her eyes and her nose with her smile, showing Ashlyn that the invitation was legitimate. Ashlyn felt her lips turn downwards before she felt Ali nudge her with her free elbow “come on, it wasn’t that bad last time, was it? And anyway I know Tobin is dying to get rid of the rest of that tequila.” Ali’s voice was light and not pushy at all, she knew how to ease Ashlyn into situations and before she knew it Ashlyn felt herself nodding. “Good, I’ll see you after classes today! But now I need to go to the library and make sure that I didn’t accidentally plagiarize this entire research paper.” She said with a fake eye roll. She stood up on her tip toes and kissed Ashlyn’s cheek. “See you later, beautiful!” Ali walked away leaving Ashlyn standing in the foyer of her dorm feeling like a sweaty, anxious mess. She almost thought about turning around and running until she passed out, but instead she sprinted up the stairs, nodded good morning to her various suite mates and barricaded herself into the bathroom. 

She went through her same routine of feeling the scalding water pour down her back and blistering her skin and let out each breath slowly and surely. She occupied her mind by focusing on each of the various vocabulary words that she had to memorize for her upcoming test. But even though she had various communication words buzzing around in her head, she couldn’t stop feeling the tingle in her cheek from where Ali had kissed her, she couldn’t get rid of the knot in her stomach that she woke up with every morning when she realized she missed having a second person in bed with her, and she couldn’t stop her fingers from aching to be held with Ali’s. Ashlyn decidedly hated today, and it was only 8 am. 

She breezed through her final and edited and turned in her paper on time. She was done with all of her classes by noon, as she always was on Friday’s and she was trying to decide between literally setting her hair on fire or plucking out each of her eyelashes with the amount of dread she was having over the party that she had agreed to go to this evening. She hated that she had this afternoon free and now that midterms were over, she had no homework that she could even pretend to catch up on. She was bored, and she hated being bored, because when she was bored she would hang out with Ali. She flitted through the afternoon, cleaning her room, folding laundry, playing UNO with Alex and Tobin and tried to not think.

But the more the thought about not thinking the more she thought. The more her brain avoided Ali, the more her nostrils would flare and feel the scent of her. She was love struck. Or something. And she hated it. After spending the afternoon in ball of anxiety, she procrastinated by attempting to call Chris, who colorfully told her to “grow a pair” and “do the deed” with Ali, which she mostly scoffed at, e-mailing her parents even though it was too soon after she had come back to miss them yet, and tried even reading a book for fun. But every line reminded her of Ali, or of something she wanted to share with Ali. 

Her suite-mates noticed her odd behavior but never said much to her throughout the afternoon, instead encouraged the party that was coming that night, and lamented over how rough midterms were for everyone. They ordered take out for dinner and sat around catching up, it felt as though Ashlyn hadn’t talked to any of them for a while with how busy she had been, and even though her mind was almost constantly occupied, catching up with her friends felt good. She should’ve been less surprised that Kelley had thought to invite Ali to eat dinner with them in her room, but the second the door opened on Ali’s grinning face and billowing hair, Ashlyn’s stomach dropped to her knees. She felt Kelley’s eyes on her, while Ali walked in and sat down next to Ashlyn, but she tried to ignore it as she shoved half of an egg roll in her mouth and waited for someone to include Ali in the conversation so she could sink into the couch and ignore her feelings again. Everything was electric. It always was. She couldn’t ignore it. Even six inches away from Ali, she could feel the heat of her body, and smell her shampoo and see the muscles in her abs flex when she laughed, and all of this made Ashlyn a mixture of elated and nauseous. 

The group passed the time, which was painstakingly slow for Ashlyn, watching movies and playing cards and munching on Chinese food until it was a time where they could start drinking, and wouldn’t be abundantly ashamed about it. Ashlyn was always nervous around liquor, she didn’t like the idea of being out of control of her body, when Tobin passed around shots, Ali held hers in her own hand, and grabbed Ashlyn’s free hand with her other. Suddenly, Ashlyn liked the idea of liquor much more. 

“I’ve really missed all of you guys and hanging out, I’m so glad midterms are over for now!” Ali said she winked towards Ashlyn when she said it, and Ashlyn felt her shyness start to melt away again and she smiled and tilted her eyes up at Ali.

“Bro, I know. I’m so happy that there is a party tonight, because I seriously need to blow off steam.” Tobin said, running her hand through her hair and leaning back in the chair. Everyone in the group had serious bags under their eyes and were worn out from midterms, but they were all too stubborn to admit that a party wasn’t the best idea. Alex poured strong drinks and Ashlyn sipped carefully at hers, not drinking too much. She noticed that Ali was doing the same thing, but within about an hour Ali appeared to be nearly as drunk as the other girls, or at least Kelley who hadn’t stopped laughing for at least 3 songs on Tobin’s ipod that was plugged into speakers and was now laying entirely on top of Ashlyn. 

“Will you help me pick out an outfit for tonight?” Ali said, looking over at Ashlyn through a few giggles. 

“You really trust me?” Ashlyn said laughing, she felt her face flush even redder than the tequila had already made it. 

“I mean, who else's opinion am I supposed to care about?” Ali said, her voice was low and Ashlyn knew that she was the only one who heard her. She looked down at the cup in her hand and turned it around in her fingers and she felt the tips of her ears get hot. Ali nudged her. “Come on, they’ll be fine for half an hour.” She grabbed Ashlyn’s hand and pulled her up from the couch. They shut the door behind them with Kelley still giggling loudly and Tobin laying her head in Alex’s lap. Ali lead the way to her room, her fingers still intertwined with Ashlyn’s. She tilted to and fro as she walked, the alcohol working her way through her system, or at least her putting on the impression that it was. She turned back and smiled at Ashlyn, her eyes heavy and dark, but still smiling. Ashlyn made herself at home, laying down on Ali’s bed while Ali stood next to her closet and sorted through the shirts that she would wear. Ashlyn felt a soft smile cross her lips as she watched Ali, again the situation feeling familiar and setting into the comfortable silence that they were used to. Ali flipped a dress off of a hanger, and with the blink of an eye she was stripped down to her underwear and sliding into a skintight black dress. Ashlyn held her breath again and turned her head and closed her eyes. 

“I missed you this week. I know I’ve said it already but I did.” Ali said. Ashlyn turned her head towards Ali who was now standing a few feet from her, her face glowing. There was little slur in her voice as she talked, which Ashlyn only found adorable.

“I missed you too.” Ashlyn said still smiling up at Ali. She sat up in Ali’s bed and Ali leaned towards her and kissed her on the forehead, when she pulled back she stumbled a bit had a grin that Ashlyn could read with every ounce of her body. “You look really good, you’re totally going to turn heads tonight.” Ashlyn said looking into Ali’s eyes, which were still dark, but sparkled. 

“Really?” Ali said, and Ashlyn nodded and Ali wound their fingers together again, and she continued to look into Ashlyn’s eyes. But Ashlyn broke the moment.

“Lets make sure they didn’t manage to break something or themselves.” Ashlyn said, standing up. Ali’s eyes drifted downward and Ashlyn could feel the disappointment hanging in the air, but she tried to ease it by kissing Ali’s knuckles. When they entered the room, Kelley and Alex were also in dresses that appeared to only stay on their body by some sort of witchcraft or incredibly strong tape and Tobin was in a pair of colored skinny jeans and a white v neck. They somehow all appeared to be even more inebriated than when they had left the room.

“Ashlyn get ready, the party’s already started!” Alex wailed in her direction and laughed loudly before missing the straw that was in her drink and accidentally poked herself in the eye. Ashlyn headed towards her room while she watched Ali pour herself another drink and shook her head a little. She found herself in the familiar position of pouting in front of her closet before she threw on a pair of denim shorts and a teal teeshirt that rested above the waistband of her shorts and she slipped on a pair of converse. She shook her hair out and let it rest on her shoulders, before she puffed air out and walked out of her room. She locked eyes with Ali when she walked out, who was holding an empty cup lazily in her hand. Ali’s eyes drifted down to the inch of skin visible above Ashlyn’s waistband and licked her lips. Ashlyn felt her whole body break out into goosebumps and suddenly she wanted to run towards Ali and pull her directly into her room. 

Ali and Kelley had played a game of who could chug a drink the fastest before Ashlyn had dragged the group out and headed towards the party. It was a similar scene as the last party they had gone to, no particular theme except for celebrating the end of midterms and there was a medley of bodies all pressed together in a mixture of sweat and booze. Ali held her hand and lead her through the bodies and meshed with the music, while Ashlyn saw Alex, Tobin and Kelley attach themselves to one another and start dancing right at the entrance of the fraternity house. Ashlyn felt Ali’s hands graze right across the open skin of her torso as they settled into dancing. They faced each other and Ali had her eyes locked in with Ashlyn, her eyes darting back and forth and heavy with liquor. Her hands settled on Ashlyn’s waist on the skin and their hips moved together. Their bodies were pressed together and again it was like the rest of the party had disappeared, and all that mattered was how her skin was craving Ali in every possible way. She shook her head and distanced herself from Ali’s body just a little. 

Ali turned her body again and started grinding against Ashlyn, her fingers tangled in Ashlyn’s hair behind her neck. The way her body moved in front of her was something that Ashlyn had only seen in her dreams and suddenly she was anxious to leave the party and hide alone in her bed. Her breathing was speeding up with the racing of her heart and she was having trouble focusing and she wished with everything in her that she could just let go and enjoy the moment but her mind wouldn’t relax. Ali grabbed Ashlyn’s hands and placed them low on her hips before tangling her own hands in Ashlyn’s hair again and pressing her body into hers. Ali leaned back so her head was touching Ashlyn’s, and their breathing matched. Ali’s heart racing just as fast as Ashlyn’s and suddenly their dancing became less rhythmic and more erratic. Ali suddenly let go of Ashlyn and turned around and faced her, their eyes locking. They shared a message in their eyes that was communicated without words. They had to leave, now. 

They held hands as they walked back to the dorm, their bodies incredibly close to one another and Ashlyn’s breathing hitched. They were in step together, and their breathing was timed. They were one together without even realizing it. They walked wordlessly to Ashlyn’s room before they shut the door behind them as they entered. Ashlyn sat in her chair while Ali sat on her bed and they sat there, in silence and their eyes locked together, neither of them willing to break the connection that was buzzing in the speachless air. 

“You know, I think I liked you the first time I met you.” Ali said. Ashlyn tried with everything in her not to avert her gaze downwards, but something was keeping her eyes connected to Ali’s. She was sure that Ali could hear her heart beating out of her chest from where she was. “I saw you across the room at the soccer meeting and something just dragged me to you. It was like a magnet, I had to talk to you. And then when you started flirting with me, I knew I was right. “ Ali grinned, the liquor was still in her system and her words were moving freely, encouraged by the liquid devil. Ashlyn’s eyes were still connected, feeling the magnetism that Ali spoke of.

“I thought you were gorgeous the first time I met you. You brought out something in me that I didn’t know that I had in me.” Ashlyn shrugged, her fingers were ripping one another apart, hoping that the pain in her cuticles would ease the knot in her stomach. Ali blushed at the comment and her smile was soft and warm. 

“I have a secret, I saw you running the first day of classes, and I wanted to get to know you better so that’s why I invited myself to run with you.” Ali said. Her face was sure and true. “I mean, I thought you were hot, but more than anything I thought you were interesting. That’s why I invited you to the party at the beginning of the year. Because I wanted to see how you acted in different circles and see if you would come out of your skin at all. I didn’t just want to hook up with you.” Ashlyn felt her stomach drop and her lips went dry. Ali had wanted to hook up with her as bad as she had, but the connection that they had felt since the beginning changed everything. 

“I wanted to kiss you, after the first party. But it was hard for me, to let go. Open myself up to you.” Ashlyn’s voice was low, and Ali’s eyes were understanding and welcoming. The more Ashlyn talked the more Ali licked her lips and the more Ashlyn’s body was dangerously close to bursting into flames. 

“I wanted to kiss you too. When you read Persuasion to me in my bed. I knew, that was such an intimate thing for you to do. At that moment I knew I wanted to see every part of you. I wanted our lives to intersect.” Ali admitted, she adjusted herself so her legs were stretched in front of her on Ashlyn’s bed, and she pulled a blanket to cover her legs, much to Ashlyn’s dismay. 

“I knew you were trying to get me into your pants by bringing you back to your room!” Ashlyn said with a wink, which made Ali flush even more and batt her eyelashes at a butterfly like pace. 

“Oh whatever, like you didn’t want me.” Ali said, her cheeks glowing.

“I’m glad you went home with me. I know I’m bad at this whole, emotion thing. This is all, new for me. Everything I’m experiencing with you is something new.” Ashlyn said, her voice was low again and her eyes were serious, almost threatening tears behind them, weather from the alcohol in her system or finally letting out everything that was on her mind and her chest.

“I’m glad I went home with you too, Ash.” Ali said with genuine eyes. “I can’t promise I’m a perfect person, but I know that I will never hurt you on purpose. Ash. I really want to be with you.” Ali said this all so rushed that Ashlyn almost had to strain to hear it. And finally hearing these words in front of her made her stomach twist and turn in ways that she never could’ve imagined. 

She extended herself even more, standing up from her desk and walking over to her bed, she sat down next to Ali and grabbed her hands. Ali’s eyelids were heavy, but her face never moved from Ashlyn’s. She lifted a hand and placed it on the side of Ali’s face and brought her face close to hers, tasting the scents around her, absorbing Ali. 

The second time they kissed was better than the first. There wasn’t hesitation. There wasn’t fear. Only assurance and admiration. Ashlyn felt light for the first time since she had entered college and she felt like everything was making sense and clicking into place. She pulled away from Ali after a second, the gentle kiss still resting on their lips to see Ali smiling with tears in her eyes.

“That was so worth the wait.” Ali said, leaning in and kissing Ashlyn again, the kiss still light, and trusting.

“I have to tell you a secret.” Ashlyn said, pushing her hand on Ali’s chest, separating the two for a moment. “I want to be with you too.” Ali responded by kissing her cheek and wrapping her arms around Ashlyn’s waist and resting her head on Ashlyn’s shoulders. The two finally feeling at peace again together. Adjusting to their new feelings and places for each other. 

As quickly as this moment came, they were interrupted when they heard crashing and swearing from the common room. Ali laughed a little as they pulled away and went to investigate the scene of the noise. They entered the common room hand in hand to see a broken glass on the floor, and were met with the unmistakable sounds of someone puking in the bathroom. Ali looked worried and walked into the bathroom to see Kelley, half on the ground, leaning over the toilet with white knuckles. Ashlyn cleaned up the broken glass and filled a new one with water, while Ali rubbed small circles on Kelley’s back, who responded with apologies and slurred explanations for the night. Which Ali was quick to reassure her. After it was clear that the only way Kelley would heal would be with a full nights rest, the couple ushered her into bed and tucked her in, giving her a few aspirin to take before she fell asleep. 

“Thank you, I’m sorry I’m a mess.” Kelley said, her eyes fluttering.

“I mean, you only interrupted us finally hooking up.” Ali said, with a huge grin on her face, to which Kelley responded with her eyes jerking open. But as soon as she had Ashlyn and Ali both winked and exited the door, right in time to see Kelley fist bumping drunkenly in the air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is it! Thank you for everyone who helped me along with this journey, and for encouraging me and letting me enjoy myself with this story! I hope you all continue to read my work!


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